i just wanna scReam On you.. dOn't you reaLLy caRe about mE? evER? i knew i got ovER you aLreadY,. i know, my feeLingS aren't the same as it was befoRe.. i already accepted you not being with me as a fact aLready.. i'm not hoping you'd come up one day and tell me how you feel about me.. i knoW all the thinGs happened between us two were just heLL of a pAst aLreaDy.. but why in the heLL woRLd can i not FORGET you??
why do i find myself lonely in the middle of a happy crowd searching for your glance, silently wishing you're with me or i'm with you.. why do i find myself jealous of the couples surrounding mE, wishing it could have been you i was with.. why do i find myself writing entries about you in my bLog, pouring out my sentiments and heartaches.. i thought being apart from you would be easy for mE.. i thought staying away from you would make a difference.. i thought hating you would save myself from pain..
thEn i found myself in the middle of these thinGs, confused.. maybe i'm over you already, its just that i wasn't able to find somebody nor something else as your replacement.. mAybe now i only got an empty souL which is much Worse.. which may be the reason why it seems to be hard to understand.. which maybe the reason why i feel lonely in the midst of the unproven relief i could ever get from your inaccurate love.,
i wanted to free myself from you... i wAnted you out.. i wAnted to turn away, Leave if possibLe, if thAt's the onLy soLution i got.. FoRGEt... pRobLem is.. i dOn't knoW hoW... woRsE, i just cAn't..
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
i'm gEttinG thEre..
juSt go oN.. moCk me thEn iGnoRe mE,. do whAt you do.. someday i'll gEt tired LovinG u
Monday, November 10, 2008
whEn you dOn't corrEct them whEn thEy upSet you, thEy wiLL neveR Learn how to tReAt you with Respect..
i don't know if it wAs my fauLt when i Let thEm upset me.. whEn i just Let them do and taLk cRazy stuffs about me that even though i'm beinG embarrassed aLready, i stiLL acted finE just beCause i don't wAnt any troubLe to happen.. i just don't wAnted to hAve theSE drAmatic confrOntationS exchAnginG apoLogiEs after a stupid fiGht of childishness.. i was just avoiding seRious conversaTions pOinting ouT strengths sLAsh weAknesses of peopLe.. i'm reaLLy noT a fan of that stuff thAt's why i just remain siLent OR throW thEm bAck Lines whiCh wouLd rather make the situation funny instead of discriminating.. i oftEn teLL thEm i unDerstAnd becauSe i reaLLy do.. some peopLe are just Like thAt.. they do crazy and stupid thinGs out of simpLe oneS.. they are just making fun ouT of thE boRinG woRLd they're Living in.. i, myseLf aLso benefits from it.. mAking my duLL woRld coLorful on thaT pArticuLAr momEnt.. thAt's why i'm no aginSt thieir natuRe..
it's just kindA difficuLt to understand now becAuse they have been usEd to discriminate me evEn in fRont of stRangers whOm i'm stiLL eaRning foR respect.. and it's heartbreaking whEn thEy aLready hAd the imprEssion of mE beinG the thinGs these peopLe say even bEfore i stArt opEninG my mouTh to sAy a woRd and pRove thEm othErwise.. woRse, i evEn doubted mysELf too muCh thAt it's beginning to cruSh my seLf-respect that i hAd buiLt and eArned foR my entiRe Life,
wAs it my fauLt to unDerstAnd thEm and Let thEm cross through tHe bounDarieS.? wAs it my fauLt whEn i readiLy foRgive thEm even beFore the offense hits their consciousness? is it too Late now tO LEt thEm reaLize hoW bAd thEy've been huRting mE.. hoW baD he's been huRting mE?
i decided not to taLk to you to avOid hurts that you've been doing to me repeatedLy.. it's just sad that out of the 5 times you said sorry to mE foR the embarrassments (and heartaches probabLy) you've caused, you've repeated the same mistaKes moRe than 7 times., makes me think twice whether your apologies were actually sincere or not., of aLL the thinGs you've said and donE, how much of it wAs true? how can i say those were tRue?.
i just waNt you to knoW, that the onLy biggest Lie i've done wAs whEn i tRied to conceAL my feeLings for you and pretenDed thAt i don't caRe much oF you.. though if you onLy Look deeper into how i acted generally, i faiLed.. thERe were theSe timeS whEn i aLmost admitted it aLready not through woRds but through my actionS.. i can definiteLy say i've done my pArt aLready,. i've showed you more thAn what i expect i couLd actually show..
about you? you remain to be vague.. too stupid of me i considered those insults of you as your way of getting my attention.. you've got my attention aLready, now what? what a dumbass i actually was, i sugarcoated those offensive statements you've told me making myself believe it could lead into something better.. it had been past 1 and a half year and things remained the same.,. got even worse.. i just gave you the right and privilege to hurt me more and more.. you've showed me the sweetest gestures that i could ever felt in the entire world,. the first time i ever feLt comfortable, the very first time i felt crazy.. the very first time i ever felt excited waking up in the morning and preparing myself to school treating every subject as a witness of our blooming relationship.. the very first time i admitted i'm madly in love.. the very first time i ever felt that way.. and now, it's the very first time i hoped for so much.. i thought it couLD happen.. i mean, for the past few crushes i had i knew they were like "suntok sa buwan" becuase they were like prince charmings and i was just this mere CindereLLa.. it was kinda easy for me to let go because at the first pLAce i knew it was impossible.. but you, you were Like within my reAch.. they made me feeL small but you made me regard myseLf untouchable.. you were not like them but you had hit me the greatest impact..
funny thing is that i fooled myself too much.. i thought you were true.. were there momEnts when you have been true to me? no doubt though, you're actually an actor foR God sake.!
weLL maybe, it'S time foR me to gRow.. i'd rather cut the connection between us.. coz i feeL Like the worLd is so small for the both of us.. i knew peopLe who are actuaLLy connected to you.. and i feeL like the more i stay the more id be suffocated.. id rather cut them off before i found myseLf helpless from these tAngLes..
if i reaLLy matter to you, if you reALLy care, it won't be difficult for you to reALize my SEntimEnts.. it's aLL up to you nOw..
it's just kindA difficuLt to understand now becAuse they have been usEd to discriminate me evEn in fRont of stRangers whOm i'm stiLL eaRning foR respect.. and it's heartbreaking whEn thEy aLready hAd the imprEssion of mE beinG the thinGs these peopLe say even bEfore i stArt opEninG my mouTh to sAy a woRd and pRove thEm othErwise.. woRse, i evEn doubted mysELf too muCh thAt it's beginning to cruSh my seLf-respect that i hAd buiLt and eArned foR my entiRe Life,
wAs it my fauLt to unDerstAnd thEm and Let thEm cross through tHe bounDarieS.? wAs it my fauLt whEn i readiLy foRgive thEm even beFore the offense hits their consciousness? is it too Late now tO LEt thEm reaLize hoW bAd thEy've been huRting mE.. hoW baD he's been huRting mE?
i decided not to taLk to you to avOid hurts that you've been doing to me repeatedLy.. it's just sad that out of the 5 times you said sorry to mE foR the embarrassments (and heartaches probabLy) you've caused, you've repeated the same mistaKes moRe than 7 times., makes me think twice whether your apologies were actually sincere or not., of aLL the thinGs you've said and donE, how much of it wAs true? how can i say those were tRue?.
i just waNt you to knoW, that the onLy biggest Lie i've done wAs whEn i tRied to conceAL my feeLings for you and pretenDed thAt i don't caRe much oF you.. though if you onLy Look deeper into how i acted generally, i faiLed.. thERe were theSe timeS whEn i aLmost admitted it aLready not through woRds but through my actionS.. i can definiteLy say i've done my pArt aLready,. i've showed you more thAn what i expect i couLd actually show..
about you? you remain to be vague.. too stupid of me i considered those insults of you as your way of getting my attention.. you've got my attention aLready, now what? what a dumbass i actually was, i sugarcoated those offensive statements you've told me making myself believe it could lead into something better.. it had been past 1 and a half year and things remained the same.,. got even worse.. i just gave you the right and privilege to hurt me more and more.. you've showed me the sweetest gestures that i could ever felt in the entire world,. the first time i ever feLt comfortable, the very first time i felt crazy.. the very first time i ever felt excited waking up in the morning and preparing myself to school treating every subject as a witness of our blooming relationship.. the very first time i admitted i'm madly in love.. the very first time i ever felt that way.. and now, it's the very first time i hoped for so much.. i thought it couLD happen.. i mean, for the past few crushes i had i knew they were like "suntok sa buwan" becuase they were like prince charmings and i was just this mere CindereLLa.. it was kinda easy for me to let go because at the first pLAce i knew it was impossible.. but you, you were Like within my reAch.. they made me feeL small but you made me regard myseLf untouchable.. you were not like them but you had hit me the greatest impact..
funny thing is that i fooled myself too much.. i thought you were true.. were there momEnts when you have been true to me? no doubt though, you're actually an actor foR God sake.!
weLL maybe, it'S time foR me to gRow.. i'd rather cut the connection between us.. coz i feeL Like the worLd is so small for the both of us.. i knew peopLe who are actuaLLy connected to you.. and i feeL like the more i stay the more id be suffocated.. id rather cut them off before i found myseLf helpless from these tAngLes..
if i reaLLy matter to you, if you reALLy care, it won't be difficult for you to reALize my SEntimEnts.. it's aLL up to you nOw..
Monday, November 3, 2008
it aLL boiLs doWn to rEspEct..
about 2 weeKs ago, you hAd me feeLing stupid.. you hAd me humiLiated in fRont of pEopLe i knoW even the onEs i don't.. mAybe up to this timE you stiLL cAn't fiGure ouT thAt i am embarrassed when you do thAt.. you taLk about my LackinGs to mY frienDs (to the onEs who knoWs mE best) and i feEL so smaLL in fRont of theM.. teLL me, who arE you to juDge me.? why do you Act as if you know me most, when i knoW deep doWn insiDe of mE thAt you dOn't.. woRse, it' affectinG me as much as im expecting it to bE.. you Get my thinGs, against my wiLL.. you hAd my hAndkerchiEf, my pictuRe.. and you teLL thEm i gave it to you just beCause i nevEr exerTed too muCh effoRt to recovEr it bAck.. you know why? bEcause i dOn't wAnt to bEg you too muCh and mAKe you feeL so impoRtant.. i Can aLways have a rePLacement, i thought.. i thought.. but i was actuaLLy wRong,. thEre ain't no repLacements in this woRLd.. even hAndkerchiefs can't be repLace by hAndkerchief same as the oLd onE.. i aLso thouGht i couLd repLace you just Like that.. i thought i couLd,. i was wrong..
Just beCause i Let you do thinGs doEsn't meAn i wAnt you to do thEm.. somEtimes you juSt cant do anything even if you tRy.. haven't you thought thAt mAybe i'm too tiRed of these games aLready thAt i don't even cAre to protEst.. thAt mAybe i'm huRting too muCh to even objEct.. i handed you my phone.. when you gave it bAck, my kEycHain was gonE.. finE! it's a KEYCHAIN.. A @!$#&\@! DAMN KEYCHAIN.. you teLL, they teLL me it'S immatuRe to act the way i did.. mAybe i overreacted.. i don't know.. buT why do you do thAt.? Why can'T you be carefuL when it comEs to my stuff.. whEn it comEs to mE.. you Lost my simpLe keychain in just a shoRt momEnt, hoW crushed wouLd i bE if i hAd trusted you my Love.. wouLd you Care foR it? you couLd have droppEd mE off just Like that aLso.. to you, to somE peopLe it's so simple.. it's chiLd-Like..
if i wEre i chiLd an ice creAm wouLd have soLved the heaRtache.. but i'm not a chiLd.. i'm a giRL who Learned to LovE somebody as hEatLess as you.. so i decided to snob you foR as Long as i wanT... foR as Long as i Can.. coz being kind to you wouLd mAke you do thEse thinGs repEatedLy.. wouLd onLy mAke waY foR moRe humiLiatiOns and emBarrAssments on my pArt.. i needed to rEvive myseLf.. i wAnt my seLf bAck.. maybe somEtimes i needed to dO these thinGs foR you to Learn hoW to respect mE aLso.. its juSt sAd that you hAve to Learn hoW to do it the hArd way.. you dOn't have any iDea how it kiLLs me insiDe, whenevEr i Look away when you smiLe at me.. whEn you appRoach mE.. but mAybe i reaLLy hAve to do this.. i just hope i wont regRet it somEday.. i hopE you wouLd somEday unDErstand,.
but iF it wOn't, mAybe this aCt couLd heLp me to gEt riD of you.. if i cAn't gain your respEct, mAybe it wouLd be better noT to hAve you anymoRe (at aLL..)
Just beCause i Let you do thinGs doEsn't meAn i wAnt you to do thEm.. somEtimes you juSt cant do anything even if you tRy.. haven't you thought thAt mAybe i'm too tiRed of these games aLready thAt i don't even cAre to protEst.. thAt mAybe i'm huRting too muCh to even objEct.. i handed you my phone.. when you gave it bAck, my kEycHain was gonE.. finE! it's a KEYCHAIN.. A @!$#&\@! DAMN KEYCHAIN.. you teLL, they teLL me it'S immatuRe to act the way i did.. mAybe i overreacted.. i don't know.. buT why do you do thAt.? Why can'T you be carefuL when it comEs to my stuff.. whEn it comEs to mE.. you Lost my simpLe keychain in just a shoRt momEnt, hoW crushed wouLd i bE if i hAd trusted you my Love.. wouLd you Care foR it? you couLd have droppEd mE off just Like that aLso.. to you, to somE peopLe it's so simple.. it's chiLd-Like..
if i wEre i chiLd an ice creAm wouLd have soLved the heaRtache.. but i'm not a chiLd.. i'm a giRL who Learned to LovE somebody as hEatLess as you.. so i decided to snob you foR as Long as i wanT... foR as Long as i Can.. coz being kind to you wouLd mAke you do thEse thinGs repEatedLy.. wouLd onLy mAke waY foR moRe humiLiatiOns and emBarrAssments on my pArt.. i needed to rEvive myseLf.. i wAnt my seLf bAck.. maybe somEtimes i needed to dO these thinGs foR you to Learn hoW to respect mE aLso.. its juSt sAd that you hAve to Learn hoW to do it the hArd way.. you dOn't have any iDea how it kiLLs me insiDe, whenevEr i Look away when you smiLe at me.. whEn you appRoach mE.. but mAybe i reaLLy hAve to do this.. i just hope i wont regRet it somEday.. i hopE you wouLd somEday unDErstand,.
but iF it wOn't, mAybe this aCt couLd heLp me to gEt riD of you.. if i cAn't gain your respEct, mAybe it wouLd be better noT to hAve you anymoRe (at aLL..)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
a messAge to aLL stuDents nuRsE hAters out there - kindly reAd this one
yEs, wEre student nurseS.. just student nuRses.. we may not be as knowledgeable as what you think you are.. we may not know everything as a registered nurse doEs.. yes, i admit.. we are so much less that what you people think of us in the society.. in the medical fieLd.. we are dReAmers of a dirty work.. we thrive haRd to be Like what people thinks of as "nannies with collegE degrees." because nurSes do diRty works, caRe providers and doctor's foLLowers.. anD we, stuDent nuRses are even beLow thAt LeveL.. i don't reaLLy wonder why peopLe won't beLieve and tRust stuDent nuRseS.. what shocks me then was how peopLe cOuLD actuaLLy be ruDe to studEnt nuRses.. i don'T givE a damn if peopLe oR patiEnts won't respect us the way they do to nuRses and doCtoRs.. they are hiEraRchy aLready,. who aRE we to be compAred to them?. that'S a fAct and i hAve nothinG against iT.. what huRts though is how peopLe couLd be mEan to the point oF noT respEcting us even onLy as a humAn bEing who couLd be huRt by thEiR woRds and aCtionS.. we onLy aim foR ouR drEams and Striving hArd to get through it., iT's ouR Least intention to huRt and hArm paTienTs.. why cAn't they gEt thAt.? why cAn't thEy reALize that? iT couLd hAve been Easy foR us to Overdose a patiEnt anD Let the cLinicAL instruCtor's license to suffEr.. whAt moRe significant Loss Can we have thaN suspension of somEone eLse License and hArdworK? wE won't suffER much thAn what othERs wiLL.. it wouLd aLL be Easy.. buT as i hAve saiD, StudEnt nuRses aRe humAns aLso.. we hAve theSe thinG in uS caLLEd conscienCE.. wE're onLy doinG aLL of theSe pRerequisitEs of what we couLd becomE in the futuRE.. sAdLy, thEse arE the pRErequisites.. to deAL with aLL of you..
ouR inStructoRs oftEnLy say thAt nuRsing is a humbLe profession.. but they never warned us how hEaRtbReaking it couLd actuaLLy be to bow youR hEad down whEn you are beinG judGed by peopLe who never seemed to understAnd your puRposE.. and unhesitatingly accept and understand their pOint even if it is vague.. to tRy to Let go oF youR pRide without Losing confidence and seLf esteem..to try tO LovE what you do whEn everybody eLse criticizes your woRk..
Yes, itS ouR choice to bE nuRses.. we prefeR to get through these.. we shouLd have known how hard it would be when we decided to take it.. but i never expected that i wouLd be this much affected and huRt.. i thought i couLd get through it.. and i never thought peopLe couLd actuaLLy be that mEAn.. couLd actuaLLy degrAde you in such a little effort, in such a short moment.. and makE you doubt on youR own capabilitiEs., mAkes you want to surrEndEr..
to aLL of you, im just sayinG onE thinG.. Try to RespeCt peopLe no matter who thEy aRe.. i know aLL of us have huRts.. but wouLd it heLp to puT somEone down to cover up your own pain? even a little respect count much to somEone who aims biG..
ouR inStructoRs oftEnLy say thAt nuRsing is a humbLe profession.. but they never warned us how hEaRtbReaking it couLd actuaLLy be to bow youR hEad down whEn you are beinG judGed by peopLe who never seemed to understAnd your puRposE.. and unhesitatingly accept and understand their pOint even if it is vague.. to tRy to Let go oF youR pRide without Losing confidence and seLf esteem..to try tO LovE what you do whEn everybody eLse criticizes your woRk..
Yes, itS ouR choice to bE nuRses.. we prefeR to get through these.. we shouLd have known how hard it would be when we decided to take it.. but i never expected that i wouLd be this much affected and huRt.. i thought i couLd get through it.. and i never thought peopLe couLd actuaLLy be that mEAn.. couLd actuaLLy degrAde you in such a little effort, in such a short moment.. and makE you doubt on youR own capabilitiEs., mAkes you want to surrEndEr..
to aLL of you, im just sayinG onE thinG.. Try to RespeCt peopLe no matter who thEy aRe.. i know aLL of us have huRts.. but wouLd it heLp to puT somEone down to cover up your own pain? even a little respect count much to somEone who aims biG..
Sunday, October 12, 2008
dated 09/25 : 2 somEone i'vE been micinG so much
Am i hurting u already? I'm sorry for treating u the way i do., i just can't help it.. Im sorry.. Coz if i won't treat you bad, i would only find ways 2 appreciate you more, 2 love you more, expect more of what fairytales may bring me.. I just wanted to save myself and the only solution i could ever think of is to hurt you.. And make myself believe that its as easy as that.. But then, it feels like its hurting me more than it hurts you.. Sometimes i wonder am i such a great liar and pretender that i cud make you believe i'm not interested at you at all? Or.. Am i such a great fool believing all of these could affect you.. Was it just you who doesn't care after all?
Friday, September 26, 2008
beLieve me, i didn't ask for this..
2days life is no lyf at oL.. i was insulted all day long.. u know, in someone's life i believe there would always be this time, this day, where you could be all Lyk STUPId.. wen you wud ask questions that are nonsense.. you would know from the bottom of your heart that you're making no sense at all but you just can't help it.. ds was indeed my lucky day and i became lyk that.. so pitiful of me, nbody seemed to notice that i'm undergoing through that meaningful stage of my life today.. dey were bragging on me, mocking of me because i raise and answer questions that are beyond human's intelligence and capacity to understand.. they felt like i was an alien with negative IQ.. and it's just heartbreaking that their taking this somekind of involuntary shits negatively.. their mocking on me bigtime.. that even at the wittiest question i have ever made this day seemed to be like a hell of a bullshit question..
i'm not stupid,. i know i'm doing stupid this day but that doesn't guarantee you that i really am stupid.. i was just undergoing somekind of mental stagnation today. or let's just put it like i was just overloaded with thoughts that my mind could not comprehend no more, that it tends to overanalyze simple things formulating to stupid questions,. that's just it! so don't make it a big deaL, a big issue of it.. if it's hard for you to understand me, can't you imagine how much harder it is for me to deaL with it? i can't even understand what i'm trying to say, then how could you possibly know what it really is? all i wanted for you is to SHUT UP! i don't need your opinion this time.. i'm NOT ASKING YOU TO UNDERSTAND.. i just want you to KEEP QUIET.. it would only be for a day, coulDn't you just bear with me.? i made you laugh for couple of months already, i'm just asking for this day.. just let me be stupid for i can't help it.. if i could stop it, then i probably would had.. but i can't.. just this day.. could you? would you?
Monday, September 15, 2008
new Life.. nEw me.. neW friends.. new wishes.. new crushes.. same feeLing?
i feLt this thinG just when my bAg was kidnapped by still an unknown citizen of my school.. aLL my Life were in that bag,. my phone, my zen, my treasured waLLet, my watch and my bAg.. aLL those thingS were gone at an instant.. just Like that.. and it maDe me reaLize that any other thing couLd also be gonE as easy as that., i needEd to bRing my Life bAck., i need to get bAck to schOoL, before everything eLse faiL..
mAybe, Losing my baG, my Life was a good thinG after aLL..
mAybe, Losing my baG, my Life was a good thinG after aLL..
Friday, August 1, 2008
im hurting so much..
ive always acted to be okay, to be so fine.. it was just then that i realized everything seems to be out of hand and its hurting me already.. i've got so much problems, well everybody does, but it was just at this minute that i was able to think about all of them.. and i was shocked when i found myself in the middle of all these troubles..
i'm failing at my studies.. i have so many dreams and all of these depends on how well i can be at my studies.. i needed to finish my studies., i've always been so confident about passing my subjects.. not that i feel so smart i can do it all, its just that I'M FAILING ALREADY and no matter how hard i try to put all these items, concepts, informations and all into my head, they just can't be absorbed.. i never had any difficulty focusing and reviewing before.. i can even review a 10 page handout 30 mins before the exam, be confident about it and still get a satisfactory grade.. but now, i read my noteS for 2 hours already, be confident about it.. but to find out, i failed at exam..! damn.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
my mom just got back from the hospital like a week from now,. she's been ill for 2 years now.. she was recovering from a mild stroke and as far as i can see, she had recovered from that already.. then my dad just told me they got back to the hospital because she has gastritis and anemia.. and now, she has to recover again.. she feels weak like she had her 2nd stroke.. oh gosh, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i'm so deeply hurt and worried about that.. i fear so much of losing my family.. nobody knows what i can do for them.. they just thought i'm just this bratt kid who needed to be in school for obedience sake.. for my sake.. nobody knew all my plans for them.. nobody knew how much i'm priorotizing my family more than myself.. i don't even have a fixed plan for myself but i've already established all my plans for them.. what am i gonna do without them?..
then i feel so alone.. i come home from school with nobody to talk to.. we just had a fight with my brother 5 days ago and we haven't talk since then.. am i a bad sister when i just wanted him not to spend all his time sitting in front of the computer, playing computer games until 2 in the morning and not sleep because he has to rush his project? would that make me bad??. he just yelled at me because i needed to type a report to be passed the following day.. because i had to disrupt him from playing.. and, for the sake of everybody to know, i don't have a good relationship with my aunt ever since i was born.. we talk, but not that much.. i just can't pretend no more.. i've been trying to reach out but it always ends up that way..i just thought it would be better for us that way..though it never seemed right but i don't know.. i just can't get along.. aNd so, my brother and my aunt talks togetehr, laugh together, makes crazy talks together.. and i? i just sleep.. i cry.. and sleep..
it's just so damn painful not to belong and at the same time fail on things you thought you could succeed.. and to make it worse, you just have nobody as in NOBODY to tell it to because they are so damn busy with their own probLems.. i just can't open up to my mom and dad about all of these things because they have bigger problems than what i have right now.. i can't afford to see them suffering because of me.. just because i'm too young and immature to handle simple problems.. i don't want anybody to think i'm such a bratt i'm crying over these petty things..
i don't know how long i can handle these pain.. everytime i think of these i can't help but cry and pity myself for having such fate.. im trying as much as i could not to think about it because the more i think about all these things, the more i feel alone and lonely.. when i'm out, i laugh as hard and as much as i can.. that's why everybody thought im fine with no worries nor troubles at all.. they thought i'm just this jolly, outgoing girl who has all the time in the world enjoying things not thinking much about life and what it brings to humankind.. that's why they never bothered to ask me what the hell is happening into my life.. they thought i'm strong enough i could handle it all.. but they never knew, from that moment when we have to go on our ways back home, i'm starting to cry already.. (TT)
i'm failing at my studies.. i have so many dreams and all of these depends on how well i can be at my studies.. i needed to finish my studies., i've always been so confident about passing my subjects.. not that i feel so smart i can do it all, its just that I'M FAILING ALREADY and no matter how hard i try to put all these items, concepts, informations and all into my head, they just can't be absorbed.. i never had any difficulty focusing and reviewing before.. i can even review a 10 page handout 30 mins before the exam, be confident about it and still get a satisfactory grade.. but now, i read my noteS for 2 hours already, be confident about it.. but to find out, i failed at exam..! damn.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
my mom just got back from the hospital like a week from now,. she's been ill for 2 years now.. she was recovering from a mild stroke and as far as i can see, she had recovered from that already.. then my dad just told me they got back to the hospital because she has gastritis and anemia.. and now, she has to recover again.. she feels weak like she had her 2nd stroke.. oh gosh, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i'm so deeply hurt and worried about that.. i fear so much of losing my family.. nobody knows what i can do for them.. they just thought i'm just this bratt kid who needed to be in school for obedience sake.. for my sake.. nobody knew all my plans for them.. nobody knew how much i'm priorotizing my family more than myself.. i don't even have a fixed plan for myself but i've already established all my plans for them.. what am i gonna do without them?..
then i feel so alone.. i come home from school with nobody to talk to.. we just had a fight with my brother 5 days ago and we haven't talk since then.. am i a bad sister when i just wanted him not to spend all his time sitting in front of the computer, playing computer games until 2 in the morning and not sleep because he has to rush his project? would that make me bad??. he just yelled at me because i needed to type a report to be passed the following day.. because i had to disrupt him from playing.. and, for the sake of everybody to know, i don't have a good relationship with my aunt ever since i was born.. we talk, but not that much.. i just can't pretend no more.. i've been trying to reach out but it always ends up that way..i just thought it would be better for us that way..though it never seemed right but i don't know.. i just can't get along.. aNd so, my brother and my aunt talks togetehr, laugh together, makes crazy talks together.. and i? i just sleep.. i cry.. and sleep..
it's just so damn painful not to belong and at the same time fail on things you thought you could succeed.. and to make it worse, you just have nobody as in NOBODY to tell it to because they are so damn busy with their own probLems.. i just can't open up to my mom and dad about all of these things because they have bigger problems than what i have right now.. i can't afford to see them suffering because of me.. just because i'm too young and immature to handle simple problems.. i don't want anybody to think i'm such a bratt i'm crying over these petty things..
i don't know how long i can handle these pain.. everytime i think of these i can't help but cry and pity myself for having such fate.. im trying as much as i could not to think about it because the more i think about all these things, the more i feel alone and lonely.. when i'm out, i laugh as hard and as much as i can.. that's why everybody thought im fine with no worries nor troubles at all.. they thought i'm just this jolly, outgoing girl who has all the time in the world enjoying things not thinking much about life and what it brings to humankind.. that's why they never bothered to ask me what the hell is happening into my life.. they thought i'm strong enough i could handle it all.. but they never knew, from that moment when we have to go on our ways back home, i'm starting to cry already.. (TT)
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
i sti\\..
i said terrible things about him, a called him names and badmouthed him.. when i met him this afternoon, i had a chance to talk to him and we chatted like the old us.. childish, crazy and brutal.. we talked just the way we talk, no hesitations.. i just wonder how he does that, i've liked so many people in my life already but he's the only guy whom i can talk to with such a little effort and felt like i had the lightest conversation ever..
he knew that i'm liking somebody else.. he told me he had noticed it even before we separated ways.. he was smiling.. i don't know if it was just me but i felt like there was something bitter in his voice when he told me that.. when our instructor came, i have to go to our room but he grabbed my hand and i just felt like it wasn't just a grab as grab that he used to do to me before.. i felt like he meant it already.. i could feel his lonely heart when he talked to me.. i could feel sparkles in his eyes when we tried to remember our crazy "fights." i could feel him, not as the person who always teases me and make fun of me.. i could feel his sincerity in everything he said this time.. i could feel all his touches, the way he grabs my hand, the way he slaps my thigh, the way he pinches my arms.. i could feel like all of those things meant something to him.. that he misses me, just the way i'm missing him so much.. if he only knew what i really feel.. was it just me? was it actually him, or were those just my feelings?
oh, how i miss him...
he knew that i'm liking somebody else.. he told me he had noticed it even before we separated ways.. he was smiling.. i don't know if it was just me but i felt like there was something bitter in his voice when he told me that.. when our instructor came, i have to go to our room but he grabbed my hand and i just felt like it wasn't just a grab as grab that he used to do to me before.. i felt like he meant it already.. i could feel his lonely heart when he talked to me.. i could feel sparkles in his eyes when we tried to remember our crazy "fights." i could feel him, not as the person who always teases me and make fun of me.. i could feel his sincerity in everything he said this time.. i could feel all his touches, the way he grabs my hand, the way he slaps my thigh, the way he pinches my arms.. i could feel like all of those things meant something to him.. that he misses me, just the way i'm missing him so much.. if he only knew what i really feel.. was it just me? was it actually him, or were those just my feelings?
oh, how i miss him...
Monday, June 23, 2008
don't want anything else
when you wanted to stop a feeling that has been confusing you for so long, when you wanted things to change coz it doesn't feel so right.. when you wanted to put an end to a friendship just so you could easily go on, just so you could protect yourself from further damage.. when you wanted to divert your attention just to forget him.. you fail..
we're not together now.. i'm busy minding my own life and so are you.. we became strangers at a single snap,. its just sad because i already considered you as my friend.. and it just ended that way.. were so naive with each other now., why do you do that ba kasi? you're making paramdam and then it feels like you're so true to what you're texting me.. then when i met you the day after you didn't even approach me.. okay, so maybe it's my fault because maybe i'm so mailap.. i don't want to talk about all those things becasue i'm too afraid and its very iLang naman diba?.. what if you don't really feel that way.. you once told me that i'm just your friend,. and that somebody else is occupying your heart... i still remember that.. then all of a sudden you're saying all those things and you're flirting with me.. what the hell am i supposed to feel.. how the hell am i supposed to act.? i know, once in a while you felt it too.. you knew i liked you, but look what you did, you never said nor done anything.. you left me hanging.. i hate you.. i wish i could just erase you just like that..
we're not together now.. i'm busy minding my own life and so are you.. we became strangers at a single snap,. its just sad because i already considered you as my friend.. and it just ended that way.. were so naive with each other now., why do you do that ba kasi? you're making paramdam and then it feels like you're so true to what you're texting me.. then when i met you the day after you didn't even approach me.. okay, so maybe it's my fault because maybe i'm so mailap.. i don't want to talk about all those things becasue i'm too afraid and its very iLang naman diba?.. what if you don't really feel that way.. you once told me that i'm just your friend,. and that somebody else is occupying your heart... i still remember that.. then all of a sudden you're saying all those things and you're flirting with me.. what the hell am i supposed to feel.. how the hell am i supposed to act.? i know, once in a while you felt it too.. you knew i liked you, but look what you did, you never said nor done anything.. you left me hanging.. i hate you.. i wish i could just erase you just like that..
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
you were this and i was that but i became like this just becasue you were that.. i thought it was cool but actually it was stupid..
you know what i've just realized now?? thAt i'm such a mothAfuCkin sTupiD asshoLe.. dAymm.. i cAnt bELievE i did those aLL shiTs foR you.. owkei to some people it may seem like its nonsense that i may be ovEractinG oR exagerratinG, whatever the hell they may call it but Daimmn, i was stupiD.. i was onCe this person wHo hAd heR prinCipLEs irrEversibLe,. a happy-go-lucky giRL who hAd gainEd respEct frOm pEopLe who Are known foR theiR wits anD inteLLigence.. Lets sAy i bELonG to a woRLd fuLL of iDeas anD knowLedgE.. i couLd minGLe with these smArt peopLe..
then i havE to mEet peopLe Like you,.. you'Re dumb.. i mEan not too dumb thouGh but you'Re onLy a piEce of shit in mY woRLd.. buT i trEated you noT LikE whAt you'Re suppoSed to bE.. i pRetended to bE somEboDy bELonGinG to youR society,. juSt bEcause i'm LivinG with you pEopLe.. i hAve to DeaL with you just so i couLd suRviVe,. iT's whEre i have to bE noT unTiL my gRaduAtion dAy.. and i fuLLy undERstand that i have to bLend with other peopLe who arEn't LikE mE.. who aRen't LikE the peopLe i usEd to mingle and lived with for all my life.. and i accepTed that chAllengE with all my hEaRt.. i evEn Loved you pEopLe and i enjoyEd youR compAny.. buT why am i feELinG this way now.?
did i loved you too much that i nEver reALized i bEcAme somEbody whom i never imagineD noR dreAmt mySeLf to bE Like?? i Said soRry to you whEn you WeRe oveRreActionG on somE stupiD thinGs abouT LiFe.. i mEan, i said sorry to you becasue you said i was insensitive to your sensitivity?! you were focusing much on what the hell your parents taught you about perfection! damn it.. you wanted a perfect perSon! weLL then you nEed a doLL dArLinG noT a humAn.. shit.. you think much of the viRtuEs and goodness, mY God i unDerstand that we shouLd be good at aLl timEs.. but good peopLe arEn't onLy thE onEs who go to chuRch every sunday, say 'po' and 'opo' to eLders, people who don't badmouth other people, who doesn't masturbate, who doesn't chEat.. i teLL you goodness and perFection are diffeRent.! and that is the heLL you don't understand because you think people are like you.. when you don't smoke, you think people are bad becasue they do.. when you don't say fuckin baD words, you think people are 'SomekindA' baD becasue they do.. you're too shallow not to realize individual differences amonG peopLe.. peopLe have reAsons, that they weren't raised the way you were raised by your parents.. try to understand that!..
another thinG, you have the nerve to tell me what to do?? it's who i am and you're trying to change me.! hEck, i'm not a chiLd.. i act like onE but i have my minD.. in case you haven't noticEd i'm a humAn bEinG.. not a toy.. you call mE nAMes like you know me more than i know myself.. you have only known me for a year and that's nothing.. we nevr even had any serious conversations foR God sake.. those communications were all fuckin 'jokEs' you can't even differentiate which are lies and which are not.. so why do you judge me like you do? you think you know me that muCh.? when i can only count the facts you know about me with my fingERs., what do you know about me that i noR mY fRiEnds doesn't know?
And daimm, you're Criticizing me.. well, its finE with me if you do.. but can't you put some intellect on your criticisms?? those are destructive criticisms, they are mEan, ruDe.. i never learned anythinG, noT a sinGLe lesson from iT.. so stop that fuckin judgements when you don't even have any idea on what is beautiful and what is not.. you came from the world of ugliness, you came from hell and you have the nERve to try to manipulate mE like im some kind of a parasite in this fuckin worLd??? who the hECk you thinK you arE!..???
ican't beLieve you're doinG this to mE.! i hate this feeLinG!. it's fine with me if you were bRad piTt or johnny depp, but you're not!.. so stop acting like onE!, what the heck!! i've treated you like a human being even though you look like a bull,. i left my nature as a critic of evrythinG just so i could live up to your level.. i adjusted too much and i'm not happy anymore.. knowinG i never gained any respect from these kinds of people.. from you.. i was tryinG to approach you, yet you seem to think much of yourself.. i was trying to understand but you're pushing me away like i'm a bacteria.. i was trying to lift myself up from embarrassments you're giving me everytime you're with me.. i was trying to keep myself intact when you call me names and make it sound like a joke but turns out everybody ends up laughing at me.. i'm always trying to pick up my confidence of which i built for years when i'm with you.. i was trying to understand.. i respected you, but you never seemed to noticed!.. i was full of pride then but i decided to lessen it, halved it even, just so you won't think i that i'm insensitive.. so that you won't think that people like me are mean.. so you could realize we are human beinGs and not pigs nor wolves like what other people who never seemed to care about us (just like you) thinks of.. i tried to be nice, i tried to be good just the way people who knew me never thought i could be.. you did nothinG.. you still stood up to your belief.. to what you think as to what they think of us.. of me.. just when i gave you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you're not like them at some reason, you proved me otherwise.. you only have different approach but you're just like them.. :( now, it seems like it came to an end,. i nevr thought i could lose patience.. i never thought i could grow tired of trying.. i never thought i could do all this things.. i never thought i could like somebody like you or worse love you.. i never thought that we should be separated first before i realize all these things.. before i could come back and waken up my senses.. i thought i was being true to myself and to the people around me, only to find out i was actually fetching for your compliments.. of which i failed., now i know, you Are different, just what i thought of you before i met you and just what you're proving me right now..
i thought this is it, i thought it's a fairytale.. but sadly turns out to be a nightmare.. i should wake up soon.. i have to, coz i only have 2 choices.. either i have to live or die.. and i chose to live..
then i havE to mEet peopLe Like you,.. you'Re dumb.. i mEan not too dumb thouGh but you'Re onLy a piEce of shit in mY woRLd.. buT i trEated you noT LikE whAt you'Re suppoSed to bE.. i pRetended to bE somEboDy bELonGinG to youR society,. juSt bEcause i'm LivinG with you pEopLe.. i hAve to DeaL with you just so i couLd suRviVe,. iT's whEre i have to bE noT unTiL my gRaduAtion dAy.. and i fuLLy undERstand that i have to bLend with other peopLe who arEn't LikE mE.. who aRen't LikE the peopLe i usEd to mingle and lived with for all my life.. and i accepTed that chAllengE with all my hEaRt.. i evEn Loved you pEopLe and i enjoyEd youR compAny.. buT why am i feELinG this way now.?
did i loved you too much that i nEver reALized i bEcAme somEbody whom i never imagineD noR dreAmt mySeLf to bE Like?? i Said soRry to you whEn you WeRe oveRreActionG on somE stupiD thinGs abouT LiFe.. i mEan, i said sorry to you becasue you said i was insensitive to your sensitivity?! you were focusing much on what the hell your parents taught you about perfection! damn it.. you wanted a perfect perSon! weLL then you nEed a doLL dArLinG noT a humAn.. shit.. you think much of the viRtuEs and goodness, mY God i unDerstand that we shouLd be good at aLl timEs.. but good peopLe arEn't onLy thE onEs who go to chuRch every sunday, say 'po' and 'opo' to eLders, people who don't badmouth other people, who doesn't masturbate, who doesn't chEat.. i teLL you goodness and perFection are diffeRent.! and that is the heLL you don't understand because you think people are like you.. when you don't smoke, you think people are bad becasue they do.. when you don't say fuckin baD words, you think people are 'SomekindA' baD becasue they do.. you're too shallow not to realize individual differences amonG peopLe.. peopLe have reAsons, that they weren't raised the way you were raised by your parents.. try to understand that!..
another thinG, you have the nerve to tell me what to do?? it's who i am and you're trying to change me.! hEck, i'm not a chiLd.. i act like onE but i have my minD.. in case you haven't noticEd i'm a humAn bEinG.. not a toy.. you call mE nAMes like you know me more than i know myself.. you have only known me for a year and that's nothing.. we nevr even had any serious conversations foR God sake.. those communications were all fuckin 'jokEs' you can't even differentiate which are lies and which are not.. so why do you judge me like you do? you think you know me that muCh.? when i can only count the facts you know about me with my fingERs., what do you know about me that i noR mY fRiEnds doesn't know?
And daimm, you're Criticizing me.. well, its finE with me if you do.. but can't you put some intellect on your criticisms?? those are destructive criticisms, they are mEan, ruDe.. i never learned anythinG, noT a sinGLe lesson from iT.. so stop that fuckin judgements when you don't even have any idea on what is beautiful and what is not.. you came from the world of ugliness, you came from hell and you have the nERve to try to manipulate mE like im some kind of a parasite in this fuckin worLd??? who the hECk you thinK you arE!..???
ican't beLieve you're doinG this to mE.! i hate this feeLinG!. it's fine with me if you were bRad piTt or johnny depp, but you're not!.. so stop acting like onE!, what the heck!! i've treated you like a human being even though you look like a bull,. i left my nature as a critic of evrythinG just so i could live up to your level.. i adjusted too much and i'm not happy anymore.. knowinG i never gained any respect from these kinds of people.. from you.. i was tryinG to approach you, yet you seem to think much of yourself.. i was trying to understand but you're pushing me away like i'm a bacteria.. i was trying to lift myself up from embarrassments you're giving me everytime you're with me.. i was trying to keep myself intact when you call me names and make it sound like a joke but turns out everybody ends up laughing at me.. i'm always trying to pick up my confidence of which i built for years when i'm with you.. i was trying to understand.. i respected you, but you never seemed to noticed!.. i was full of pride then but i decided to lessen it, halved it even, just so you won't think i that i'm insensitive.. so that you won't think that people like me are mean.. so you could realize we are human beinGs and not pigs nor wolves like what other people who never seemed to care about us (just like you) thinks of.. i tried to be nice, i tried to be good just the way people who knew me never thought i could be.. you did nothinG.. you still stood up to your belief.. to what you think as to what they think of us.. of me.. just when i gave you the benefit of the doubt that maybe you're not like them at some reason, you proved me otherwise.. you only have different approach but you're just like them.. :( now, it seems like it came to an end,. i nevr thought i could lose patience.. i never thought i could grow tired of trying.. i never thought i could do all this things.. i never thought i could like somebody like you or worse love you.. i never thought that we should be separated first before i realize all these things.. before i could come back and waken up my senses.. i thought i was being true to myself and to the people around me, only to find out i was actually fetching for your compliments.. of which i failed., now i know, you Are different, just what i thought of you before i met you and just what you're proving me right now..
i thought this is it, i thought it's a fairytale.. but sadly turns out to be a nightmare.. i should wake up soon.. i have to, coz i only have 2 choices.. either i have to live or die.. and i chose to live..
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
i thinK i'm givinG up
4/30/08
wArninG: whAt I'm sayinG now iS whAt i'm fEeLin riGht at thiS momEnt..
i waNt to givE up.. ayoko nA, maxado nA aKonG nasa2kTan sA mgA ginAwgAwa niyA... hE's mAkinG fun oF mE, so muCh aNd it'S huRtinG mE biGtimE..
hE cAn't evEn rEspeCt mE, hoW couLd he LovE mE thEn?? suCh An iDioT,. i'vE mAde seVerAl artiCLes abouT him.. suCh a wAstE of timE, i couLd hAve reviewEd mY hAndouTs anD impRovEd my gRadEs fOr thE Last 2 semEsters.. buT stupiD mE, i wAstEd my timE imAgininG, dAydrEaminG abouT him.! hopinG, wAitinG!..
i tRiEd chANginG.. if hE onLy knEW who i Was bEfoRE hE mEt me.. hE couLd hAve cuRsed mE to deATh.. whAt thE hEck!
iF you peOpLe onLy knEW whAt iT feELs LikE to finALLy hAve thE stRength to chAnge anD frEe youRseLf fRom sAdnEss.. iT feELs gReAt!.. iT feELs so aLivE.. iT feeLs so LighT!.. thEn a stRangER waLks inTo youR LiFe anD mAkes you fALL in Love foR him.. mAke you beLieve thAt you couLd actuALLy bE LovED!.. beForE you knEw it, hE's puShinG you bAck to whEre you wEre bEfoRe,.. aNd i don'T wAnna go bAck!.. i don'T wannA go bACk!., buT oftEntimEs, i wouLd finD mySELf actinG thE way i wAs bAck thEn.. i'd finD mySeLf in thE pLAce whEre i'vE beeN foR suCh a LonG timE.. i'd finD mySeLf wanTinG so muCh moRE.. i'd finD mySeLf so inSecuRe of othER peopLe.. i'd finD mySeLf so pessimiStic.. i finD mySeLf so LonELy.. i'D finD mysELf crYinG!.. i'd finD my oLd seLf.. why cAn't i go aWay!.??
wArninG: whAt I'm sayinG now iS whAt i'm fEeLin riGht at thiS momEnt..
i waNt to givE up.. ayoko nA, maxado nA aKonG nasa2kTan sA mgA ginAwgAwa niyA... hE's mAkinG fun oF mE, so muCh aNd it'S huRtinG mE biGtimE..
hE cAn't evEn rEspeCt mE, hoW couLd he LovE mE thEn?? suCh An iDioT,. i'vE mAde seVerAl artiCLes abouT him.. suCh a wAstE of timE, i couLd hAve reviewEd mY hAndouTs anD impRovEd my gRadEs fOr thE Last 2 semEsters.. buT stupiD mE, i wAstEd my timE imAgininG, dAydrEaminG abouT him.! hopinG, wAitinG!..
i tRiEd chANginG.. if hE onLy knEW who i Was bEfoRE hE mEt me.. hE couLd hAve cuRsed mE to deATh.. whAt thE hEck!
iF you peOpLe onLy knEW whAt iT feELs LikE to finALLy hAve thE stRength to chAnge anD frEe youRseLf fRom sAdnEss.. iT feELs gReAt!.. iT feELs so aLivE.. iT feeLs so LighT!.. thEn a stRangER waLks inTo youR LiFe anD mAkes you fALL in Love foR him.. mAke you beLieve thAt you couLd actuALLy bE LovED!.. beForE you knEw it, hE's puShinG you bAck to whEre you wEre bEfoRe,.. aNd i don'T wAnna go bAck!.. i don'T wannA go bACk!., buT oftEntimEs, i wouLd finD mySELf actinG thE way i wAs bAck thEn.. i'd finD mySeLf in thE pLAce whEre i'vE beeN foR suCh a LonG timE.. i'd finD mySeLf wanTinG so muCh moRE.. i'd finD mySeLf so inSecuRe of othER peopLe.. i'd finD mySeLf so pessimiStic.. i finD mySeLf so LonELy.. i'D finD mysELf crYinG!.. i'd finD my oLd seLf.. why cAn't i go aWay!.??
Monday, April 28, 2008
anooo baaa???
ano bA kASi Ang sa2bihin mo?? bakEt anGHdami-dami monG paSakALye..? bAket d mo mAsabi... sabi mo mAy guSto kAng sabihin dibA?.., mAy guSto kAng sabihin nA noon mo pa binabALak sabihin sa akEn.. why? do you feeL it ALreAdy.? cAn you feEL na guSto kita? haVe you noticED aLreAdy?..
i jusT cAn't gEt it!.. i'vE knoWn you to bE somEboDy who aLwayS crAckS jokEs.. any timE oF thE day!.. whEn you stArtinG to gEt seriouS, i aLwayS preSumE thAt you'rE stiLL jokInG.. especiaLLy whEn iT comEs to mE., Lagi mo AKonG tinutukSo nA mAy guSto ako sA'yo.. yEs! you'Re too dAmn Right!! mEron ngA.. anD i decidEd to keeP it to mYseLf beCauSe of sevRaL reAsonS..
1. beCauSe i'm afrAid oF commitmEnt.
2. i'm afrAiD thAt you don'T feeL thE saMe
4. beCausE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!
5. beCause you LikE oR you're still inLovE with you'Re beStfrieNd despiTe of you hAvinG your giRLfriEnd
6. becAuse you aLways mAkE fun oF me.! daMn it! you aLways teAse mE that i'm inLovE with you anD iTs too damn fRustraTinG coZ it'S tRue!! i do.! buT you'RE maKinG fun of iT..! anD i juSt pity mySeLf foR thaT..
7. becAuse i feEL LikE your'E noT inTereStED..
anD noW, i've gathERed moRe reAsonS why i shouLd keeP it as a secRet..
1. beCauSe i don'T knoW iF i shALL beLieve you.. you teLL mE you wAntEd to SAy somEthinG to me.. you started to gEt seriouS anD thEn you Say i lovE you to me.. after aLL thoSe fooLishneSs, you thinK i wOuLd beLievE you juSt LikE thAt??
2. becAuse i thinK you'Re pLayinG saFe.. you'Re sayinG io LoVE you to me whEn in fAct you hAve a GIRLFRIEND.. whAt thE hECk wAs thAt.?? you wAntED to be sAfe?? okAy FinE, eithEr wAy, you win.. muSt i appLauDe you foR thAt??
3. i don'T thinK tou mEan iT whEn you saY i lovE you.. you reALLy don't.. why?? bEcauSe you Say i Love you even if you'Re noT.. right? you don'T reaLLy Love youR giRLfriEnd, do you??
So why shouLd i bELieve you noW? okAy, noT unLess you'll bReak up with your giRLfriEnd now!! as in noW.! see, you don'T... you won'T... why?? beCauSe you'Re afrAid daRLinG.! afrAid to bE Left aLonE.. afrAid to bE rejEctEd.! aNd so am i..
i jusT cAn't gEt it!.. i'vE knoWn you to bE somEboDy who aLwayS crAckS jokEs.. any timE oF thE day!.. whEn you stArtinG to gEt seriouS, i aLwayS preSumE thAt you'rE stiLL jokInG.. especiaLLy whEn iT comEs to mE., Lagi mo AKonG tinutukSo nA mAy guSto ako sA'yo.. yEs! you'Re too dAmn Right!! mEron ngA.. anD i decidEd to keeP it to mYseLf beCauSe of sevRaL reAsonS..
1. beCauSe i'm afrAid oF commitmEnt.
2. i'm afrAiD thAt you don'T feeL thE saMe
4. beCausE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!
5. beCause you LikE oR you're still inLovE with you'Re beStfrieNd despiTe of you hAvinG your giRLfriEnd
6. becAuse you aLways mAkE fun oF me.! daMn it! you aLways teAse mE that i'm inLovE with you anD iTs too damn fRustraTinG coZ it'S tRue!! i do.! buT you'RE maKinG fun of iT..! anD i juSt pity mySeLf foR thaT..
7. becAuse i feEL LikE your'E noT inTereStED..
anD noW, i've gathERed moRe reAsonS why i shouLd keeP it as a secRet..
1. beCauSe i don'T knoW iF i shALL beLieve you.. you teLL mE you wAntEd to SAy somEthinG to me.. you started to gEt seriouS anD thEn you Say i lovE you to me.. after aLL thoSe fooLishneSs, you thinK i wOuLd beLievE you juSt LikE thAt??
2. becAuse i thinK you'Re pLayinG saFe.. you'Re sayinG io LoVE you to me whEn in fAct you hAve a GIRLFRIEND.. whAt thE hECk wAs thAt.?? you wAntED to be sAfe?? okAy FinE, eithEr wAy, you win.. muSt i appLauDe you foR thAt??
3. i don'T thinK tou mEan iT whEn you saY i lovE you.. you reALLy don't.. why?? bEcauSe you Say i Love you even if you'Re noT.. right? you don'T reaLLy Love youR giRLfriEnd, do you??
So why shouLd i bELieve you noW? okAy, noT unLess you'll bReak up with your giRLfriEnd now!! as in noW.! see, you don'T... you won'T... why?? beCauSe you'Re afrAid daRLinG.! afrAid to bE Left aLonE.. afrAid to bE rejEctEd.! aNd so am i..
Sunday, April 27, 2008
dAmn it!
hE'S too dAmn ewAn tLgA.! why thE hEck iS hE acTinG thAt wAy.??. why DoEs it fEeLs LikE hE wAnteD to sAy somEthinG to me.?? why iS hE LikE thAt.? i mEan, hE hAS hER giRLfriEnd foR GOd Sake, anD hE's sAyinG i Love you to me.. ???? whAt's hiS gaMe?? i cAnt compRehEnd..
why iS hE huRtinG me thiS wAy??
why iS hE huRtinG me thiS wAy??
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
hE's chANgED..
it's fRustratinG..
he onCe askEd mE a fAvoR if i couLd reSeaRch somEthinG foR him sinCe i hAve mY inTerNet conNeCtion aT homE.. oF couRsE i Can't saY no.. why wouLd i sAy no to a fAvoR? evEryboDy askS mE foR a faVor to sEArch somEthinG in thE nET, so whY wouLd i sAy no to him? OnLy to finD ouT juSt a whiLE ago thAt thE rEsEArch wAs foR thiS giRL whom hE hAd fALLen inLovE wiTh.. shE waS hiS bEstfriEnd in hiGh schoOL and hE feLL in LovE with hER., buT thE giRL rejEctEd him.. thAt rEsEarch wAS foR hER buT i wAs thE onE who did it., who am i?
although, hE hAs a giRLfriENd.. buT he conFirmEd juSt thiS aftERnoon thAt he stiLL LikEs thE giRL, his bestfriend,. hiS fiRst LovE.. ofcouRsE, thE feELing is stiLL thErE knoWing thAt hE's noT seriouS with hiS girLfriEnd., hE toLd mE thAt, i juSt don'T knoW if hE reALLy mEAnt it.,
buT hE's LikE my fiRst Love.. i think.. is hE? i'vE hAd seveRAL crushEs alReady buT thiS onE is so difFerEnt.. maybE beCausE he mAkeS me feEL LikE hE's intEreStED in mE, at timEs.. beCauSe at thE fiRst pLace thEre waS no afFection oR somEthinG whEn i fiRst sAw him.. hE waS a puRe stRangER anD i nEver intEndEd to be friEnds with him.. hE wAs juSt a cLassmAtE.. buT soOn enouGh, hE drEw cLosEr anD cLosEr to us.. to mE.. yEs, espEciALLy to mE.. i tRiEd so hArd to gEt mySeLF awAy fRom him.. i evEn tRieD haTing him anD saY neGativE thinGs abouT him juSt so i couLd givE mySeLf rEasOnS whY i shOuLd stAy awAy fRom him.. noW, mY beStfriEnds don'T LikE him beCausE of whAt i sAid 8 monthS ago.. i wAntEd to gEt aWay anD pRotEct mySeLf buT unFortunAtELy anD obviouSLy, i fAiLed,. i'm trAppEd.. hoW cAn hE do it? juSt whEn i deCidEd to acCept thAt i'm faLLinG foR him, hE droppEd mE..
hE hAd no fRienDs thEn, i wAs thE onE who intRoduCed him to evERyboDy.. i wAs his fiRst rEsoRt.. i wAs thE fiRst onE to unDerstAnd him.. i waS hiS fiRst friEnD.. anD i'vE faLLen foR him.. And i thouGht hE wAs too beCauSe we wErE cLosE anD hE waS so swEet.. hE oftEn teAsEs mE, hE givEs mE huGs oF whiCh i wAnt to conSidER as friEndLy huGs.. hE ofTen mAKEs eyE conTact.. hE mAkes fun oF mE moSt of thE timE anD stArts by stArinG at mE foR as LonG as i suRrEnDer to stArE at him bAck.. hE evEn conTinuEs staRinG at mE aftEr i suRrEndeR.. hE'S aLwaYs nEar mE., hE's aLwayS thERe.. oR was i just hALLucinAtinG oR somEthing?
noW everYthinG hAs chAngEd,. wAs it beCauSe i hAng ouT wiTh the pERsonS whOm hE doeSn't LikE.? thoSe pERsonS who happEnEd to bE my fRienDS foR yEars.? i cAn't stAy awAy wiTh my fRienDS.. i cAn't stAy aWay wiTh thEm juSt foR hiS compAny.. i mEan, hoW muCh assuRanCe do i hAve? i couLd stAy aWay.. of couRsE i cOULD, buT foR whAt? fOr whAt rEason? i don'T evEn knoW if hE LikEs mE oR noT.. hoW couLd i stAy? why shouLd i stAy? anD as timE pasSes by iT feELs LikE hE's founD somEbody as my repLacemEnt., i feEL LikE hE's hAppy witH hiS nEwfounD fRienDS.. althouGh we aRe stiLL fRienDs buT iT's noT LikE thAt anymoRE.. i don'T knoW,. noW hE hAs hiS fRienDS aLrEaDy anD iT fEeLS LikE hE doEsn't nEeD mE anymoRE.. so whY shouLd i stAy, whEn hE'S staRtinG to givE mE rEasonS whY i shouLd go aWay..
he onCe askEd mE a fAvoR if i couLd reSeaRch somEthinG foR him sinCe i hAve mY inTerNet conNeCtion aT homE.. oF couRsE i Can't saY no.. why wouLd i sAy no to a fAvoR? evEryboDy askS mE foR a faVor to sEArch somEthinG in thE nET, so whY wouLd i sAy no to him? OnLy to finD ouT juSt a whiLE ago thAt thE rEsEArch wAs foR thiS giRL whom hE hAd fALLen inLovE wiTh.. shE waS hiS bEstfriEnd in hiGh schoOL and hE feLL in LovE with hER., buT thE giRL rejEctEd him.. thAt rEsEarch wAS foR hER buT i wAs thE onE who did it., who am i?
although, hE hAs a giRLfriENd.. buT he conFirmEd juSt thiS aftERnoon thAt he stiLL LikEs thE giRL, his bestfriend,. hiS fiRst LovE.. ofcouRsE, thE feELing is stiLL thErE knoWing thAt hE's noT seriouS with hiS girLfriEnd., hE toLd mE thAt, i juSt don'T knoW if hE reALLy mEAnt it.,
buT hE's LikE my fiRst Love.. i think.. is hE? i'vE hAd seveRAL crushEs alReady buT thiS onE is so difFerEnt.. maybE beCausE he mAkeS me feEL LikE hE's intEreStED in mE, at timEs.. beCauSe at thE fiRst pLace thEre waS no afFection oR somEthinG whEn i fiRst sAw him.. hE waS a puRe stRangER anD i nEver intEndEd to be friEnds with him.. hE wAs juSt a cLassmAtE.. buT soOn enouGh, hE drEw cLosEr anD cLosEr to us.. to mE.. yEs, espEciALLy to mE.. i tRiEd so hArd to gEt mySeLF awAy fRom him.. i evEn tRieD haTing him anD saY neGativE thinGs abouT him juSt so i couLd givE mySeLf rEasOnS whY i shOuLd stAy awAy fRom him.. noW, mY beStfriEnds don'T LikE him beCausE of whAt i sAid 8 monthS ago.. i wAntEd to gEt aWay anD pRotEct mySeLf buT unFortunAtELy anD obviouSLy, i fAiLed,. i'm trAppEd.. hoW cAn hE do it? juSt whEn i deCidEd to acCept thAt i'm faLLinG foR him, hE droppEd mE..
hE hAd no fRienDs thEn, i wAs thE onE who intRoduCed him to evERyboDy.. i wAs his fiRst rEsoRt.. i wAs thE fiRst onE to unDerstAnd him.. i waS hiS fiRst friEnD.. anD i'vE faLLen foR him.. And i thouGht hE wAs too beCauSe we wErE cLosE anD hE waS so swEet.. hE oftEn teAsEs mE, hE givEs mE huGs oF whiCh i wAnt to conSidER as friEndLy huGs.. hE ofTen mAKEs eyE conTact.. hE mAkes fun oF mE moSt of thE timE anD stArts by stArinG at mE foR as LonG as i suRrEnDer to stArE at him bAck.. hE evEn conTinuEs staRinG at mE aftEr i suRrEndeR.. hE'S aLwaYs nEar mE., hE's aLwayS thERe.. oR was i just hALLucinAtinG oR somEthing?
noW everYthinG hAs chAngEd,. wAs it beCauSe i hAng ouT wiTh the pERsonS whOm hE doeSn't LikE.? thoSe pERsonS who happEnEd to bE my fRienDS foR yEars.? i cAn't stAy awAy wiTh my fRienDS.. i cAn't stAy aWay wiTh thEm juSt foR hiS compAny.. i mEan, hoW muCh assuRanCe do i hAve? i couLd stAy aWay.. of couRsE i cOULD, buT foR whAt? fOr whAt rEason? i don'T evEn knoW if hE LikEs mE oR noT.. hoW couLd i stAy? why shouLd i stAy? anD as timE pasSes by iT feELs LikE hE's founD somEbody as my repLacemEnt., i feEL LikE hE's hAppy witH hiS nEwfounD fRienDS.. althouGh we aRe stiLL fRienDs buT iT's noT LikE thAt anymoRE.. i don'T knoW,. noW hE hAs hiS fRienDS aLrEaDy anD iT fEeLS LikE hE doEsn't nEeD mE anymoRE.. so whY shouLd i stAy, whEn hE'S staRtinG to givE mE rEasonS whY i shouLd go aWay..
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
dated 4/7/08 1:27 pm
thE sAd pArt oF dReAminG iS whEn youRE rEaDy to AccEpt anD bELievE in iTs sTory, you suDdEnLy WakE up.. :(
-tissue_paper03
fRom phonE dAtEd 14/03/08
I always wondered if you really lyk me or not.. I always ask why youre acting that way.. Why youre always teasing me.. Why suddenly sweet? Why youre acting differently towards me than the rest of the group.. Why you often calls my name.. When it feels like you integrate my name for every simple and stupid jokes you hear.. I've always been like a psychologist coz i read people and most of the time, im right.. And i assumed that somehow at the back of your mind, you like me too..
But why can't i read you now? Why cant i understand things now? Why can i be so sure of my predictions now? Why can't i comprehend with these things which i've always been so relaxed to deal with before? Why have you changed so suddenly? Why does it hurts me? So much i haven't even known it could be this hard.. Now i don't know anything.. It feels like i'm a stranger in the field where i've always known its ups, downs and turns.. I feel like i'm a kindergarten starting to learn things..
It upsets me so much. You've done something sweet yesterday that i felt like ive been right all along.. Then came this morning and felt suddenly different.. Way far different.. I felt like i've missed a century. I cant merge in anymore..
When you thought you knew something even at the back of your hand, you suddenly wake up and realized you were actually sleeping..
dated 4/7/08 1:05 pm
i Am conVincEd and i mAde uP mY minD.. :( hE's noT inTo me.. hE hAs hiS gF anD fLirtinG somEboDy eLsE aLReaDy pLus hE diDn't gReeT mE on mY biRthdAy.. hE hAs founD his nEw giRL comPanion, a wAy muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding.. anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him.. my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
dated 4/7/08 1:05 pm
i Am conVincEd and i mAde uP mY minD.. :(
hE's noT inTo me.. he has his gf and flirtinG with somebody else already plus he didn't greet me on my birthday.. he has found his new girl companion, a way muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding..
anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him..
my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
hE's noT inTo me.. he has his gf and flirtinG with somebody else already plus he didn't greet me on my birthday.. he has found his new girl companion, a way muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding..
anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him..
my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
dated 3/29/08 6:40 pm
i onCe agAin askEd foR a siGn!
i asKed God fOr a siGn on mY biRthdAy.. iT's quiTe impoSSibLe, buT mAybE thAt's why i CaLL it a siGn.. if hE wouLd cALL me On my biRthdAy anD grEet me.. i onLy askEd foR a cALL, noThinG eLSe. i don'T nEed a teXt oR gReEtinGs on fRiendster,i jUSt neEd a phOnE cALL fRom him.. iF noT, thiS thinG im fEeLing fOr a Long time is hoPELess.. imA foRgEt aLL abOut thoSe tEaSings anD pRetEnsionS.. imA foRgEt aLL my hopEs fOr him, fOr us.. why? coz it'S huRting mE.. so mUch thaT i'M aFrAid i cOuLdn't bEaR it fOr a Long timE.. i'm noT uSeD to thEse FeeLings bEfore and i don'T hAve any idEa hoW to dEAL with it., thAt's whY it huRts..
i aLwayS askEd God foR siGns anD he aLwayS givEs me poSitivE onEs.. i'm conFusEd.. mAybE, im juSt LikE impAtiEnt oR somEthing.. mAybE i juSt nEed fAith.. i knoW it'S so kuLet na, pEro ok, thiS is thE Last.. iF hE LikEs me thAt muCh and hAs pLans on tELLing mE thAt hE LikEs mE and if i'M SpEciAL enouGh foR him, hE wouLd cALL me anD gReEt mE on thiS sPEciAL dAy oF minE.. imAgine, it'S my 18th biRthDay and i'm ExpEcting oR hoPing For a Guy to GreEt me.. anD it'S him.. so sPeCiaL dAy oF minE.. so whY cAn't he GrEet mE?
mAybE i cAn gEt thRough.. i juSt nEed to knoW.. i juSt nEed a siGn.. God pLeaSe hELp me.. thiS is thE Last, rEgArding thiS matTer.. it'S a moRe pErsonAl siGn now, juSt givE me thiS siGn.. eiThER hE'LL cALL mE oR noT.. juSt thiS onE.. pLeasE.. i'LL waiT..
i asKed God fOr a siGn on mY biRthdAy.. iT's quiTe impoSSibLe, buT mAybE thAt's why i CaLL it a siGn.. if hE wouLd cALL me On my biRthdAy anD grEet me.. i onLy askEd foR a cALL, noThinG eLSe. i don'T nEed a teXt oR gReEtinGs on fRiendster,i jUSt neEd a phOnE cALL fRom him.. iF noT, thiS thinG im fEeLing fOr a Long time is hoPELess.. imA foRgEt aLL abOut thoSe tEaSings anD pRetEnsionS.. imA foRgEt aLL my hopEs fOr him, fOr us.. why? coz it'S huRting mE.. so mUch thaT i'M aFrAid i cOuLdn't bEaR it fOr a Long timE.. i'm noT uSeD to thEse FeeLings bEfore and i don'T hAve any idEa hoW to dEAL with it., thAt's whY it huRts..
i aLwayS askEd God foR siGns anD he aLwayS givEs me poSitivE onEs.. i'm conFusEd.. mAybE, im juSt LikE impAtiEnt oR somEthing.. mAybE i juSt nEed fAith.. i knoW it'S so kuLet na, pEro ok, thiS is thE Last.. iF hE LikEs me thAt muCh and hAs pLans on tELLing mE thAt hE LikEs mE and if i'M SpEciAL enouGh foR him, hE wouLd cALL me anD gReEt mE on thiS sPEciAL dAy oF minE.. imAgine, it'S my 18th biRthDay and i'm ExpEcting oR hoPing For a Guy to GreEt me.. anD it'S him.. so sPeCiaL dAy oF minE.. so whY cAn't he GrEet mE?
mAybE i cAn gEt thRough.. i juSt nEed to knoW.. i juSt nEed a siGn.. God pLeaSe hELp me.. thiS is thE Last, rEgArding thiS matTer.. it'S a moRe pErsonAl siGn now, juSt givE me thiS siGn.. eiThER hE'LL cALL mE oR noT.. juSt thiS onE.. pLeasE.. i'LL waiT..
dated 3/24/08 10:58 pm
nali2to na nmAn ako!
hindi ko pa xa nKi2ta ngAun.. ahmm, nKitA ko pLa xa kAninA anD posSibLy nkItA din niYa ako pEro d kAMi nAguSap kAsi mALayo xa., i miSs him! so muCh.. hehehe.. hnd, totoo nAmi2S ko tLgA xa!. snA mAtapoS n LhAt nG mGa 'to pRa wEr okAy nA nmAn.. hAaays.. snA..
hindi ko pa xa nKi2ta ngAun.. ahmm, nKitA ko pLa xa kAninA anD posSibLy nkItA din niYa ako pEro d kAMi nAguSap kAsi mALayo xa., i miSs him! so muCh.. hehehe.. hnd, totoo nAmi2S ko tLgA xa!. snA mAtapoS n LhAt nG mGa 'to pRa wEr okAy nA nmAn.. hAaays.. snA..
dated 3/22/08 11:33 pm
wAtDAhEck!!
okay, the last time na ngsuLat ako diti, di ko pa siya pinapansin at kinakausap.. ngayon friends na kami, i don't know kung gaano kafriends, basta friends.. i just can't get it na,. i always wished for something better between the 2 of us, pero bakit parang ntatakot naman na ako ngayon.. well, i kiNdA feel some pasaring kasi coming from him and i just can't confirm if he's trying to tell me something.. i don't know.. people say that you could just tell if he's into something and i feel that.. kaso ayoko naman na magjump into something, baka masaktan lang ako Lalo..
well, the past few days kasi we don't have time to talk that much because our skedulE don't match, even though we're klasmeyts we have different committee, that's why.. we don't even have a chance to see each other actually.. then one time, during one of the few meetings we had this week, he asked me kung pwede ko ba siyang samahan magpagupit and i said yes.. for the rest of the day he kept on mentioning about that pagupit and i said yes.. came afternoon and my friend asked me if she could join us on the ride since we have the same route and i said yes.. all the while i noticed that him and this other friend was like making a way that i would accompany him to that parlor and it feels like there's something that should be going.. i really felt like they wanted to get rid of this friend of mine out of my side.. our side.. and when they felt like they couldn't, he decided to postpone the parlor thing and i would just accompany him the day after.. so again i said yes..
morning after, and i saw him on our duty and he never mentioned about that topic anymore.. Like days after, i've never seen him,.. During the play, we didn't talk nor smiled at each other.. we went home saying nothing to each other.. And we're bound not to see each other for the rest of the Holy week.. Last night there was a Text message saying that there would be a free call, so i asked for a sign that if there would be a free call and he would call me then he's really up to something.. that night, he sent me a text message.. a quote first.. a non-sense quote.. and i don't reply on to quotes sent to me.. afterwards, he sent me another text message that says: (hE mEntionED my nAme, so it wAs inTenDed fOR mE) i miss you so much.. i replied to him casually likE i was trying to make fun of that statement.. and i kinda smell some seriousness in his text messages.. i just don't know.. maybe i have to wait until monday to find out what he meant with his text messages.. i hope he really meant what he said though...
okay, the last time na ngsuLat ako diti, di ko pa siya pinapansin at kinakausap.. ngayon friends na kami, i don't know kung gaano kafriends, basta friends.. i just can't get it na,. i always wished for something better between the 2 of us, pero bakit parang ntatakot naman na ako ngayon.. well, i kiNdA feel some pasaring kasi coming from him and i just can't confirm if he's trying to tell me something.. i don't know.. people say that you could just tell if he's into something and i feel that.. kaso ayoko naman na magjump into something, baka masaktan lang ako Lalo..
well, the past few days kasi we don't have time to talk that much because our skedulE don't match, even though we're klasmeyts we have different committee, that's why.. we don't even have a chance to see each other actually.. then one time, during one of the few meetings we had this week, he asked me kung pwede ko ba siyang samahan magpagupit and i said yes.. for the rest of the day he kept on mentioning about that pagupit and i said yes.. came afternoon and my friend asked me if she could join us on the ride since we have the same route and i said yes.. all the while i noticed that him and this other friend was like making a way that i would accompany him to that parlor and it feels like there's something that should be going.. i really felt like they wanted to get rid of this friend of mine out of my side.. our side.. and when they felt like they couldn't, he decided to postpone the parlor thing and i would just accompany him the day after.. so again i said yes..
morning after, and i saw him on our duty and he never mentioned about that topic anymore.. Like days after, i've never seen him,.. During the play, we didn't talk nor smiled at each other.. we went home saying nothing to each other.. And we're bound not to see each other for the rest of the Holy week.. Last night there was a Text message saying that there would be a free call, so i asked for a sign that if there would be a free call and he would call me then he's really up to something.. that night, he sent me a text message.. a quote first.. a non-sense quote.. and i don't reply on to quotes sent to me.. afterwards, he sent me another text message that says: (hE mEntionED my nAme, so it wAs inTenDed fOR mE) i miss you so much.. i replied to him casually likE i was trying to make fun of that statement.. and i kinda smell some seriousness in his text messages.. i just don't know.. maybe i have to wait until monday to find out what he meant with his text messages.. i hope he really meant what he said though...
dated 2/8/08 9:59 pm
hindi ko xa kinAkaUsAp nGayOn...
bKit?? hnD ko aLam, hnD ko aLam kunG pAno xA kA2usapIn.. wLa nMan xAng ginAgaWang mAsaMa sa to2o Lng kAso, hnD ko aLam.. pRang nPa2God Lng akOng kAusApin xa.. anO b yAn, saB ko sa SaRiLi ko ka2uSapin ko xa pRa kHt papano hinDi mAn niyA ako gUsTO hAppy nMan ako kSi anDyan Lng xa sa Tabi ko.. pEro bKit nMAn nApa2God nMan aKong mKiPagTwaNan at mKiPgLokohAn.. aLam ko nMan na gAnun tLga xa na mAhiLig mAgbiRO kAsi Ganun din nMAn ako, pEro nKa2pAGod!..
pRang ayOko nMan ng siTwasYon nmin ngAyon na sObRang cLose pERo aYaw ko nMan na hnD kami fRenDs na hnD kAmi ngPapancNan.. hnD ko tLga mainTindiHan, bSta aYaw ko 'toNg nAra2mDaman ko., hnD ako nAsisiyahAn sa nAraramDaman ko, nAhi2Rapan tLga Ako.. kUnG aLam Lng niya....
bKit?? hnD ko aLam, hnD ko aLam kunG pAno xA kA2usapIn.. wLa nMan xAng ginAgaWang mAsaMa sa to2o Lng kAso, hnD ko aLam.. pRang nPa2God Lng akOng kAusApin xa.. anO b yAn, saB ko sa SaRiLi ko ka2uSapin ko xa pRa kHt papano hinDi mAn niyA ako gUsTO hAppy nMan ako kSi anDyan Lng xa sa Tabi ko.. pEro bKit nMAn nApa2God nMan aKong mKiPagTwaNan at mKiPgLokohAn.. aLam ko nMan na gAnun tLga xa na mAhiLig mAgbiRO kAsi Ganun din nMAn ako, pEro nKa2pAGod!..
pRang ayOko nMan ng siTwasYon nmin ngAyon na sObRang cLose pERo aYaw ko nMan na hnD kami fRenDs na hnD kAmi ngPapancNan.. hnD ko tLga mainTindiHan, bSta aYaw ko 'toNg nAra2mDaman ko., hnD ako nAsisiyahAn sa nAraramDaman ko, nAhi2Rapan tLga Ako.. kUnG aLam Lng niya....
dated 2/6/08 1:28 pm
must i hope for something??
she has a girlfriend already.. though, he admits na he doesn't love the girl at all it still hurts.. hnd ko alam kng ma-ha-happy ba ako or matuturnoff kasi at the first place pang-play lng niya yung girl.. i believe na no matter how a person flirts the whole day, there's still this special person whom she thinks about before going to bed at night.. unfortunately for me i don't think im that special to him.. he treats me extraspecial most of the time but i know i'm not that extraspecial in his life.. i'm just a friend and a mere friend..
although sa totoo lng i dnt consider him naman na extraspecial sa buhay ko.. he's my friend.. sabihin na lng natin na special friend ksi nga dba i feel something different about him..
ewan ko, hindi ko alam, bkit parang nafafall out na ako sa kanya.. he's too mature to act and think naman.. kung gusto talga niya ako, he could have done something na diba? napapagod na akong maghintay sa kanya.. konti n lang talga.. sa barkada, hes often the one who advises our friends about their love life's.. about what seems to be right to do., and he's most of the time right naman,. so why can't he do anything about his 'reAL' lovelife then.. if ever that lovelife would pertain to me.. he's not doing anything, except the things he's been doing for the past 9 months.. that's a clear clue!.. i'm not of his interest.. i think he knows what he should do if ever he really likes somebody because he sounds too mature about decisions in relationships, and he's not doing it to me.. probably, he's doing it for somebody else..
i'm SUCH a friend!..
can i ask for another clue? i just wanted to feel loved at valentines day.. i hope could find love on that day.. sana maging happy ako that day.. sana hindi ako madissapoint that day.. sana...
she has a girlfriend already.. though, he admits na he doesn't love the girl at all it still hurts.. hnd ko alam kng ma-ha-happy ba ako or matuturnoff kasi at the first place pang-play lng niya yung girl.. i believe na no matter how a person flirts the whole day, there's still this special person whom she thinks about before going to bed at night.. unfortunately for me i don't think im that special to him.. he treats me extraspecial most of the time but i know i'm not that extraspecial in his life.. i'm just a friend and a mere friend..
although sa totoo lng i dnt consider him naman na extraspecial sa buhay ko.. he's my friend.. sabihin na lng natin na special friend ksi nga dba i feel something different about him..
ewan ko, hindi ko alam, bkit parang nafafall out na ako sa kanya.. he's too mature to act and think naman.. kung gusto talga niya ako, he could have done something na diba? napapagod na akong maghintay sa kanya.. konti n lang talga.. sa barkada, hes often the one who advises our friends about their love life's.. about what seems to be right to do., and he's most of the time right naman,. so why can't he do anything about his 'reAL' lovelife then.. if ever that lovelife would pertain to me.. he's not doing anything, except the things he's been doing for the past 9 months.. that's a clear clue!.. i'm not of his interest.. i think he knows what he should do if ever he really likes somebody because he sounds too mature about decisions in relationships, and he's not doing it to me.. probably, he's doing it for somebody else..
i'm SUCH a friend!..
can i ask for another clue? i just wanted to feel loved at valentines day.. i hope could find love on that day.. sana maging happy ako that day.. sana hindi ako madissapoint that day.. sana...
dated 12/31/07 mnla
a week from now, im gonna see him again..how does he look like now? yeah, i wanted to see him soon but seeing him would mean i have to attend my classes, do and possibly pass my requirements, take exams, perform unending return demos.. in short, seeing him and having his company would bring me to a mental suicide.. in order for me to satisfy my emotional needs, i have to deal with all those s***s of mental suffering.. yet all through this vacation i never got the chance to worry about schoolworks.. all i ever think of is him and the sweet company he's giving me..
my worries are for myself coz i'm starting to fall for him.. i worry that i'm gonna fall so deep for him.. i've been protecting myself from hurts that i could get from loving people of the opposite sex. i've been covered up by the people around me whom have been hurt by what they call love and prevented me from getting into it.. they were deeply hurt. upon breakups or conflicts, they would all come to me. i could almost imagine how frustrated and sad they are. they would all look the same. teary eyed, full of silence. you could even smell the tension they're into. then they would bow their heads down as if its the only resort to catch themselves up from losing their self-esteem. sits quietly, run their fingers through their hair and cry. they pour out their sentiments i cant barely understand.. they talk about LOVE..
i always try to say something, but as far as everyone could see it, my words are worthless, they're nothing.. for they came from somebody who knew nothing about pains in love. but i wanted to keep them company, if thats the least thing i could do to lessen their pain.. they often tell me afterwards how grateful they are to have me as their friend., and i'm not even aware of what i did.. but then they come to me when love crisis strikes them again... and again.. and again..
through all these experiences i've witnessed, i came to realize loving is hard and painful. i'm aware of where i stand and i know i'm not that strong.. everyone could have also expected me to be weakling.. that's why i don't, in as much as THEY don't want me to fall inlove knowing that i can't handle the pain it would bring.
my worries are for myself coz i'm starting to fall for him.. i worry that i'm gonna fall so deep for him.. i've been protecting myself from hurts that i could get from loving people of the opposite sex. i've been covered up by the people around me whom have been hurt by what they call love and prevented me from getting into it.. they were deeply hurt. upon breakups or conflicts, they would all come to me. i could almost imagine how frustrated and sad they are. they would all look the same. teary eyed, full of silence. you could even smell the tension they're into. then they would bow their heads down as if its the only resort to catch themselves up from losing their self-esteem. sits quietly, run their fingers through their hair and cry. they pour out their sentiments i cant barely understand.. they talk about LOVE..
i always try to say something, but as far as everyone could see it, my words are worthless, they're nothing.. for they came from somebody who knew nothing about pains in love. but i wanted to keep them company, if thats the least thing i could do to lessen their pain.. they often tell me afterwards how grateful they are to have me as their friend., and i'm not even aware of what i did.. but then they come to me when love crisis strikes them again... and again.. and again..
through all these experiences i've witnessed, i came to realize loving is hard and painful. i'm aware of where i stand and i know i'm not that strong.. everyone could have also expected me to be weakling.. that's why i don't, in as much as THEY don't want me to fall inlove knowing that i can't handle the pain it would bring.
note from phone.. dated: 31/12/07
does it actually have to feel this way? everyday i think of him.. about the things we've been through, imagining things i want us to go theough, how he looks lyk wen w/ me. his family, his friends, his exes, his crushes.. whoever, whatever that is about him.. even the worst things about him.. i kinda feel lke i'm missing him.. of course i can't see him, it's xmas vacation.. though i'm hoping there's this divine intervention that would happen between the 2 of us, but i guess it wont.. of all crushes i had, hes the only one whom had failed me regarding those hopeful coincidences i'm talking about.. you know, i alwys have this strange feeling that i'm going to meet my crush at a certain place, that's why my whole consciousness drags me to that place.. then i'm gonna see him.. but when it comes to him, i fail.. well maybe im just a bit paranoid hir coz i got to see him everytime, he's my classmate and my friend you know so its actually not a need for a divine intervention.. ryt??. i'd better think about that more often to wake myself up..
dated 1/24/08 11:14 pm
Potah!!.. ayoko na!..
why can't he like me back?? why can't they like me back?? cno ba may diperenxa? yes of course, i know, it's me.. well then what am i supposed to do?? must i get tired? do i have the right to be disappointed at the first place?
why can't he like me back?? why can't they like me back?? cno ba may diperenxa? yes of course, i know, it's me.. well then what am i supposed to do?? must i get tired? do i have the right to be disappointed at the first place?
sEntimEnts oF a tiSsuE pAper..
dated Tuesday, December 04, 2007, 7:19:07 AM
One rainy day, I got up early to do my usual activity. Take a bath, eat my breakfast, fix my things and go to school. I only have 2 subjects in the morning and later that afternoon, I would be free. While I was waiting for the jeep to be filled up, a woman on her late 40’s came by with a roll of tissue paper on her left hand and a dark blue umbrella on her right. She actually reminded me of my super strict teacher way back in grade school. She had the why-don’t-you-move-over-I-am-a-tiger-and-I’m-going-to-eat-you aura that made everybody moved forward leaving her a space on the seat that is usually occupied first in jeepneys. You know what I mean. But when she’s about to invade the sanctuary we were in, the roll of tissue got out of hand, fell on to the ground and was sunken into the water. Like a sweet potato smashed on to the floor. That created murmurings from the mouth of the old lady.
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