n0t well t0day

times like this really makes me s000 sad., 3 m0nths ag0, i was scared and th0ught i c0uldn't g0 0n. i was l0st and tried hard t0 find my way.. n0w that i finally f0und it, it's b0unded t be l0st again..

i've never really been as affected bef0re 0ver my new f0und friends c0z i always secure myself fr0m disapp0intments.right bef0re i meet them i w0uld always set up a barrier f0r me n0t t0 get s0 attached and end up feeling like this when the time c0mes that we have t0 part ways.. i did. in fact, i 0nly knew s0me 0f them. i 0nly g0t t0 b0nd with s0me 0f them. i never even g0t the chance t0 be with s0me 0f them in duties.. but i c0uldn't understand why im feeling s0 sad n0w i w0uld even want t0 cry.. g0sh! what happened t0 me.

i'm feeling all sentimental n0w,. a l0t f things running thr0ugh my head, i d0nt even kn0w which is which. b0tt0m line 0f all 0f these: i'm al0ne. carreer, l0ve, family, friends.. i'm by myself n0w. and i d0nt kn0w fr0m where sh0uld i start fixing myself..

funny thing is, i'm n0t even br0ken t0 start with. i feel like i'm just l0sing all 0f it. i want a hug. i wish s0me 0ne c0uld tap me in the sh0ulder and tell me i'm g0nna be fine. and i'ts all g0nna be alright.. i wish s0me0ne can sincerely d0 that.. even if it's just a text message..

t0day, i'm n0t really feeling well. i might as well l0g 0ut and have g00d cry h0ping it c0uld s0meh0w help.. :'(

maybe being bitchy isn't always bad..

i don't want to sound like a rotten bitch nor a possessed victim here.. i don't want to be sensitive or melodramatic.. in as much as possible i don't want to create a drama out of mere feelings and vibes. i'm a very objective and optimistic person but maybe times like this strikes me and i can't help it.. it always seems like i'm the rudest person here but if they only knew how considerate i'm trying to be.. you see people, i have this disease.. a self-diagnosed one. GERD. it usually attacks in the middle of the night, especially when i eat too much dinner and goes to bed early. so as much as possible i go to bed 3 hours after dinner.. i'm that kind of person who has the least tolerance to pain. no one knows how much i suffer when it comes.. as they were all sleeping deeply while i cry myself out of pain in the middle of the night.. it lasts for hours, 5 hours the least. and i end up purging trying to ease the pain. i've told her about it. she seems to care, but she doesn't. i wish she knew how it feels like so she doesn't have the nerve to insist to me that i should eat much at dinner or to eat very late. i'm tired of the same dialogues refusing to eat more or asking her to eat early. i'm tired of it..

and now i decided to blog instead of having my dinner. because it's too late to have one and i don't have the energy to force a smile and fight over taking another bite when i'm already full.. i don't want to say it coz i don't want to recognize it. i don't want to name what i'm feeling right now coz i'm afraid it may not exactly be it. but i feel like i'm gonna explode if i won't. so i'll say it anyway.. i'm pissed.. though i know i don't have the right to be but i am. and i can't help it. it just comes out naturally. i'm pissed coz she always seems to know all things and that she understands all of it. but truth is, she doesn't. and she doesn't care a bit.. she always act like the pathetic victim. she always make me feel like i'm a burden. and it troubles me coz i've never felt like i am. just now..

y do i care so much on what she thinks of me anyway? i've always been a free spirit. i do what i want to do and get it done when i want it done.. i'm trying hard to be nice here.. maybe it's time i show her how brat of a person i can be..

No one said it's gonna be easy

These were the times when life hasn’t changed yet. when life was uncomplicated. You eat, you breathe and have fun. roam around, talk about everything and laugh together. If only it’s possible to hold and stop the sun from setting down, even if it’s just for a while. Now life has changed its direction. as normally as it occurs, things happen. Whether it’s for the good or bad, it happens coz it’s part of the process. The sun still sets at the end of the day no matter how hard you chase after it. Good thing is, it rises up in the morning. People need to grow up. And so we did.

I’m not being bitter of life changing here, maybe i’m just being nostalgic. Who would ever thought that a year ago, things were as simple as that. No pretensions, no worries. Just smiles for having fun.

now, we’re all bounded by responsibilities. Some have to look after their own families. Others are committed to work. And I am here. In a foreign city. trying hard to be independent. hoping things will work out for me here.

I don’t have any regrets for moving here nor them having their job nor them being married and having kids. In fact, I’m glad it happened. Come to think of it, those were few precious treasures life offers not to everyone. The reason why I’m blogging it is because I was just amazed of how life could actually turn out in a year time. A year ago, we were inseparable and now we don’t even have the chance to see each other. Nor text each other =(

See, life surprises you. You don’t know what’s gonna happen in a year or in a second. It comes and you have no way of preventing it. Maybe you just have to brace yourself all the time. And be glad for anything that comes along.

Stumbled upon this quote and it popped to my mind just now “you’ll never be prepared when an opportunity comes. When you think you are, it’ll be too late.”

things really are bounded to change. And I would like to think that every change of direction is an opportunity to become better. Everything must have their reason. I may not know it for now, but someday I will understand.

I’m wondering what life would turn out after another year. I’m scared but honestly, I’m excited. I can’t wait to explore life. I’ll just gonna have to grab on every opportunity even if I’m not ready. Bravery, it is. maybe I just need to be brave enough.

after 3 years...

i've known your name for 4 years now..3 years had passed.. life has changed for good. i know i can't go back coz i knew i was willing to move on.. i did.. i did try. i found new friends, new likes and dislikes, new ambitions, new love interests, new crushes, new acquaintances, new me.. or so i thought. through the years, i honestly felt like i was over you. and up to now i would want to think that i really am.. i wish i am.. i don't wanna mess up your life anymore. i don't wanna jump in after throwing you off. i don't wanna confuse you with your almost perfect life.. the kind of life i know you were so ambitious about.. Or, is it just that really? or am i just making excuses coz i couldn't admit that i'm scared? i'm scared of facing you off. i'm scared, still for all these years damn it, that i may get caught.!

i thought leaving you without saying any word would make me feel better.. i thought it would be easier to just creep out of your life and pretend that nothing happened.. to the point when we could pretend that we don't know each other anymore.. after 2nd year college, we've never seen each other the way we did on that year. 2nd year, i could easily erase it on my memory the way i easily forget someone else's name in a few minutes.. the way i forgot how the year went for me when i was 14 or 15.. the way i forgot most of the year's events in grade school. but i couldn't forget 2nd year college, just maybe because you were there.. the moments when i thought i lost my friends, someone lost like me appeared and i've found my way.. it was you.. you were the first person who made me feel that i'm stupid, i could be stupid and it's okay to be stupid.. you're that very first person who made me feel that a stranger could trust me with his simple secrets and childish pains.. you were that person who showed me that even the strongest person can be insecure, hurt and disappointed.. that a cool front act is just a front act.. i couldn't name all those things i felt i learned from you coz some were learned consciously while some, you taught me subconsciously.. most importantly, i would not forget that you were that person who for reasons i still couldn't figure out made me feel happy in a totally different way and intensity.. when i could wake up in the morning feeling not hazy at all. and going to school was almost like a task i was glad of doing and looking forward to every night before i go to sleep.. as if living would always turn out to be easy!.

BUT, sh*t happened! and i was the one who threw the first punch! now i regret it. for the longest time, i admit i regret it.. i was hurt coz i felt like time was travelling past us and we're still standing at the same line. i was anxious. i was thinking what would happen if we won't see each other often anymore. i was scared..or maybe you don't really like me that much so you couldn't take the next step.. maybe, i was just taking your gestures personally.. and that maybe i was just plain stupid for leading myself on.. so after a year of knowing each other very well, with secrets only the two of us shared, i decided to backed off.. and i know it was sudden for you.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry if i treated you just that way. I was thinking, maybe i just wanted to know if i mean anything to you.. and see if you'd care to chase after me. i don't know, maybe you tried.. i but i never had the chance to prove you did.. i thought maybe forgetting you and what i thought we had would be better.. so the next day, it’s as if i don't know you anymore. and for a while, it felt good. before i knew it, you've treated me the same.. and we became strangers.. 3 years had passed, and we're still strangers. i wonder if i ever crossed your mind all these years?. just before closing your eyes to sleep, weren't there a time when you'd think of me and how things went by for us? have you ever thought of us being friends again? it may have been less than a year, and though things never get the way i wish it could have been but i knew the friendship we had was something real and the closeness we had wasn't superficial.. someday, maybe, you'll gonna read this.. or maybe you won't. that would depend on me having the guts to face you and accept that i was wrong and stupid.. in any case, i still hope someday you would.

i wonder how would you react if you knew all of this? i remember what you're reaction was when everyone were teasing us and threatened us that we might actually end up together. you said “someone is occupying my heart already.” and i was crushed. coz i knew however informal the setting is, and no matter how we always make fun of things and people around us.. no matter how you made the situation funny and made it look like you were just fooling around. i knew from the bottom of my heart that that statement was half-meant.. and i was crushed.. if i remember right, that was the final straw for me giving you up. and it still hurts me now. coz i did give you up..

maybe i could have got you. maybe you could have been with me.. maybe i could have known how to be happier and have been more secured with you.. i know that you're girlfriend now wasn't really your first choice but seeing how you've made it so far now, i'm getting jealous whenever i think about her and you. you're on your 3rd year of your relationship now.. it could have been me.. but i wasn't.

when i see you now on your facebook telling 'i love you' to your girlfriend and telling her how much you miss her makes my heart ache. seeing how you've grown up but still having that aura i've always liked about you, it makes my heart ache. thinking of the past, how well and how bad you treated me makes me smile and makes my heart ache.. seeing you achieving your ambitious dreams, reaching the life you've wanted without me makes my heart ache the most.. coz i realize, maybe it was actually the best decision to drop it off in order for you to have all these things with you.. in order for you to be happier. just like now.. :'(

a month after

a month had passed and things remained to be vague. at some point i still see things in a blur like that when you wake up in the morning and you spend time blinking rapidly as if reorienting yourself to your own room.. to what a blanket and pillows look like. re-memorizing your wall color. remembering what you're name is, the date and what you have to do for the day.. as for me, i'm on the phase of blinking rapidly.. and yes, lately I've been reorienting myself every morning to the room i always find myself waking up.. things aren't crystal clear yet though i know it has to be.. in time.. 5 weeks has passed and i'm still adjusting.. though still a bit lost but it's quite tolerable.. it has to be manageable in 5 weeks coz another 6 weeks to go and i would again wander.. i don't have any plan yet after the training. though i'm pretty much confident i'm one of the best trainees here. and i could outperform most trainees, i'm not pretty sure if my human resources could back me up to be hired at this institution..

i've met a nurse here and from the way he carries himself i can easily smell the scent of intelligence overflowing.. and i wasn't wrong coz i found out later on that he was the top notcher on his batch during his training.. i felt a pinch of losing hope when he told us "it's not what you know that gets you in the institution, it's whom you know." Apparently, his co-project nurse (project nurse: employed as part of a program but not an employee of the institution) told me that Ivan weren't hired immediately but was rather passed to a program as a project nurse because 'there are no vacant position.' i was totally wrecked when i learned that my co trainee's brother used to be one of Ivan's batch mate and was ranked 25 but had been hired immediately and stayed in the institution for 4 years before leaving for Canada.. to make this unfair story short, Ivan do not have some human resources that could back him up to be employed in the institution and thus waited a lifetime until the fully-backed up rank 25 leaves the country before he could finally get in.! not to mention rank 10 and rank 15 landed on the job faster than him.. i don't get it!!! or maybe, yes i get it, it's called injustice and inequality.. and i'm hurt!

although i know someone here and she's the one pursuing me to come over and try my luck in the institution, upon learning all of these i couldn't help but get upset and question of whether i should still perform better..i feel heartbroken as i see my co-trainee being complacent because she's acquainted with the head of surgery dept.. (deeep sigh!)

i have to be optimistic.. maybe these are all part of the plan.. maybe, i have to know these truths not to be hurt and surrender but to be aware and perform better.. in this cruel world, i have the greatest back up master and that is HIM.. i trust him too much to let him carry on what's good for me.. Keep the faith!

.....

Feel God's light shining within you and take a step to inspire someone else to shine. As you share this vision today with just one soul, that reaches ten lives that touch a thousand.

a year and a half...

i found this entry from my documents and it written i think when i just turned 20. And it feels awkward coz im supposed to gaze back and reminisce the feeling. but i ended up relating to it still.. as if nothing happened for a year and a half..

Nothing is permanent.. Nothing that you have today will be yours forever.. I’ve lost some of the important things through the course of my college days.. my gadgets, cellphones, money, receipts, id’s, bags and clothes. . I’ve lost them as if they would be too easy to be replaced.. as if they have their own minds of leaving me to remind me of how I needed to be responsible enough.. yeah, at some point I’ve forgot about them and moved on but times like this reminds me how much I still regret of losing them.. but you know what actually hurts me more than anything else now is the fact that material things aren’t the only ones intended to be lost or separated.. sometimes, it kills you bigtime when you see the people you value living their own life without you now.. and you see yourself living your own, happy yet incomplete still..

Today, I wanted to share some emotions which I intend of keeping coz I feel like no one could understand me better when everyone seems to have found what they needed in life.. and it’s too damn frustrating that I’m here sitting alone with no one on my side and still haven’t made up my mind on how will I run my life.. I’m left with, well, my family whom will soon take me for granted or the other way around.. I was so ambitious, and now I can’t even think of any dream to motivate me further.. I’m stuck with relatives and family.,. I’m not saying that its bad, but you can’t blame me when sometimes I search for someone else.. and the sad part is, I could find no one.. you see, I only have these people who are owned by somebody else.. hey, a LOYAL SECOND PRIORITY awardee is in the house.. OR sometimes it goes this way.. today you have them.. you can relate with each other.. you share the same stories, the same views and opinions.. then the right one for them comes along, they fall in love.. and you’re left with that same vision ALONE.. maybe ready to find another person whom at the end will do the same thing.. Am I cursed or something?? What the hell Is wrong with me???

hopeful

i'm about to log off, bury my head on bed, stare into the darkness and wonder how my life will turn out 2 months from now.. but i came across a blog post from a stranger and i began to remember how ambitious i was 4 years ago.. how i clearly pictured myself leaving home, heading for my dream.. but like a real photograph, the image seemed to fade off in time.. now i couldn't really see the person in it, nor the dream she is after for. if only i could be that person again. optimistic. independent. brave. ambitious..

i wish that person is still here, buried inside a body with a weakling faith. and in this 2 months, i hope i could and i need to retrieve her back. coz the first step towards my dream is just 2 months away.

funny how i have to come across that blog post this time. maybe to remind me that i have to stand back up and get on track. and i will.

My Prayer

God's message for me on this day:

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

i'm scared starting life in the city.. away from the ones i love.. away from the luxury of life i used to have.. i'm scared that i might get lost in track. i'm scared i couldn't make any friends.. i'm scared i would be bullied at.. i'm afraid i couldn't make it at lung center.. and i'm afraid that i would surrender the battle..

Lord, please help me.. give me strength that i would be able to face these alone. i know you have better plans for me than i have for myself. whatever it is, i'm asking you to give me wisdom to understand even if it's beyond human reason and strength to endure the battle.. i could just stop here but i trust you too much to surrender. or maybe i'm ambitious enough to dream that i can make it. at the end of the day, it will always be your will my Lord that i have to obey. what i'm truly asking for is to let me not regret the life i chose to have, the life i chose to live when the time comes that i finally have to kiss my tomb and bid goodbye to the world.

you're effin doin it again!.. you won, now i'm pissed!

its early in the morning and i'm fuckin pissed off!! i wonder how you'd ever get sooo mean and rude and heartless!.. f*ck you bitch.! i hate you too much.. stop bothering me!

you talk like you don't need any of us.. well let me tell you this, i quited living with you so long time ago and the reason why i've been putting up a show is because of my family who also happens to be your only family... damn it! you see, i don't want to hate you anymore.. believe me, i don't want to.. coz, i intend to not care about you!. i don't care, what you do, i don't care what you say!. for the last 21 years of bullying me, i'm done with you.. oh my, i can't wait to be done with you!.

oh so i see, i suddenly begin to realize why you're being mean with my father these days.. you're done messing with my mom, you're done ruining my life and so now it's my father's turn?? well, there really is something with you!!

i've been hearing you mumbling rubbish at me at 4 in the morning.. i've been hearing you complaining about me to my father.. so now, i'm awake!! why can't you tell all those sh*ts in front of my face? thinking about it, i just wanna barge on the tv set in your face!. Forgive me Lord, but i just can't help starting my day being violent!.. i can't believe, that even before i opened my eyes, you already made me feel worthless!. you have that magic in you, huh? what a TALENT! damn it!. come on! the time when you were messing with me, i cried.. a lot.. now, i got over it.. but now that you're messing with my dad, i just wanna slash of your neck.. if it's just me, come on, bring it on!. but why does it have to be my parents now??

you act as if i'm the worst kid ever raised up by their parents.. why do you make them feel like they are incompetent parents? for me their one and only biggest mistake was letting me not to fight back when someone tries to bully me.. you complain about me as if you did something good to me.. well maybe, there's one thing good that you've contributed.. you are the sole person that reminds me how eager i am to get out of this place, leave everyone and become someone.! if one day, i'll die before someone else in the family, before you.. i wish someone would retrieve the articles i wrote in my blog and read this.. to the person the society would refer to as my aunt, my father's sibling next to him, the one who was unfortunately there ever since childhood.. you, my "aunt", YOU RUINED MY LIFE!! happy??? coz i think it's just now that i'm admitting it.. that my life has once been ruined and that is you who is responsible for it!. i hope you're happy!! you nailed it bitch.! like TOTALLY!.

get a life!

i want to live!.. i want to enjoy life.. i can't live the way i've been living lately.. i don't want to face the world and bow down at every person i meet.. hey! i'm a nurse for God sake!.. i should also be respected.. i want to face the world.. enjoy it.. live with it.. i don't want to stay where i've always stayed and wait for death to rescue me.. i have to face what the world has prepared for me.. i need to conquer it!.. and i will!

the wedding..

a lot of things happened today and i'm quite overwhelmed on what i should blog right now.. realizations and thoughts just came popping out anytime and anywhere.. whether it be the on wedding, the accident or just as rest my head on the window of the car, i ponder on how life could change in an instant..

20, 15, 10, 1, or half a year ago, our relationship was a little bit boring. just plain stable when its unstable. we used to play games, quarrel about it then ends up playing the same game again.. when little girls need to have a buddy in order to play bahay-bahayan more realistically, you were my buddy.. when girls needed to have a buddy to tell something about their crushes on and kilig encounters, you were that buddy to me..

you were my buddy when we talk about our parents, what we like and we don't like about them. and how a monster transforms when they scold us.. you were my buddy when we started talking about our first real crush, first love. YOU, talking about your first kiss and.. your first encounter.. haha.. remember how we used to hate our girl neighbors? janet and emy? and the fact that we never even tried to befriend them even if they actually did nothing wrong to any of us.. how we used to dream about the future? about our prince charming? The life we dream of having..

we were not inseperable, but were actually there for each other.. see the irony? and i only began realizing this just now? we weren't sisters, but we are.. it wasn't a must to take care of each other, but we did..

never did i thought i would be writing this sort of thing to you.. coz i was used to having you just there.. JUST THERE.. just there when i need you.. just there when i don't.. just there when i want to talk? just there when i want to be alone..

maybe, some family issues tore us apart. but even i, doesn't have any idea why i always come running back to you in the end.. when i wanted to choose the ones close to me and my family, breaking the bond between us, i still found myself retreating and ends up healing that bond..

i cant name all the worst and happy memories i had with you.. all i know is that you, after all that happened, the heartaches, the issues, you were my first bestfriend..

now, tears suddenly fall from my eyes remembering the things and memories we once used to share.. the times when i felt okay even if i wasn't because you were there.. the times when you would rather stay at my place even if your mom/dad wants you to stay at your home.. when i was confined at the hospital, and you were sleeping beside me and was mistaken to be the patient.. how you always scold me when you see me drinking soda.. and even now, as is see you sitting there with the man you have married, and i carry towards you your wedding gifts, you still manage to make scolding-face at me for having a plastic bag of soda on my other hand..

honestly, when i heard the mayor saying "i now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. BLANK".. i got the chills, i got the fear, i got scared, i got lonesome, i felt alone.. because you, being Mrs. BLANK, means that you need to have your family as your priority.. that even if i wanted to chat with you and bond with you, there would be times when i should't and i couldn't anymore.. it means, you will not always be Just There.. just there when i need you.. like the old times.. it means, i have to grow up and fix myself.. look after myself , even if i couldn't, i should.. coz i can't drag you in it anymore.. someone else's owns my first bestfriend.. but i love you, so i decided to be happy for you.. because now, you have found a reason to live.. i should live on in as much as you do.. you're a sister to me more than a cousin,, even sisters don't own each other..

i still have too many things to say, but i can't go on.. for now.. i'm getting too emotional.. someday i'll find time to finish this letter..

what god wants me to know..

You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere.

this is an article in the newspaper which has been re-posted by someone i know.. it strikes me this much for its what i'm feeling and been praying exactly for the past few months..
Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TVset.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me

sometimes, life sucks!!

dated Feb. 9, 2011, a night after a terrible incident at MICU.. ( i never even hesitated to cry it out at bedtime)

when i close my eyes, the more i see tings clearly.. what people don't know is that being a nurse or a doctor requires a lot more than mere intelligence.. to become one, you must have a strong will to overcome conscience bugging experiences.! what i hate most about it is the fact that you go to work half knowing that you can kill a person unintentionally.. i hate closing my eyes everytime i go to sleep and see the faces of patients dying of hope and literally dying.. as you cram to save their life, only to find out afterward, it was actually your fault of missing to check their oxygen status.. (what a pain!) And suffer from unending blames and dignity degrading looks from the relatives.!!

i hate to think that in as much as how hard i try, a person like me could never be perfect, as i risk someone else's life in order for me to grow up professionally,. coz in dis job, UNFORTUNATELY, putting someone's life in the brink of death is the most effective way of learning a lesson..

i would like to believe though that every killing episode isn't solely my fault and fate has something to do with it.. besides, they wouldn't be in the hospital if they aren't dying anyway.. but how more often could i insist that to my conscience.? how more often will i push away my drive of quitting? considering that i haven't even started anything yet, and i'm totally depressed right now.. i wonder how may faces of dying and died person will i yet to see until i reach my dream.. sigh

way back then, i said nursing is the easiest way out of the country.. yes, for greener pasture, what the heck was i thinking?! now, i'll say nursing is the easiest way to go out of your mind.. perfectly insane!.