Someday

I don’t know how I should start this one. I feel like I shouldn’t be posting this for I regretted the last time I posted a not so good article about her. I was guilty for it seemed I made her look like the villain in my not-even-close-to-perfect life story when I knew parts of it were my mistakes too. It takes two to tango, right?

This happened during the Halloween. I was supposed to be hosting a dinner for my friends. We kind of regularly meet each other and the venue’s always been the house for numerous reasons only my friends could ever think of. Anyways, I really didn’t want to. I begged them hard, made stupid excuses in order for the dinner not to be held at my place. When it seemed like I couldn’t convince them, I finally asked my dad’s permission. And he agreed. When I got home, I also informed her about the dinner. She didn’t said anything so I took that as a yes. Later in the afternoon, when were about to start cooking, she had gone up all wild acting so different. I would have remained silent the way I always do when she goes too far and unbearable. And for the whole years I lived with her, this wasn’t rare. And I don’t usually say ‘hey, my aunt and I had a fight again’ or ‘hey, my aunt just nagged me again’. Not to anyone, not  to my friends nor to my parents. Coz if I did, I would just bore them every day. But that time, my friends were the ones who came up to me and told me they’re afraid of her because she’s acting rude.

So at that moment I realized she really had gone too far. But what can I do?  It’s as if I can tell it straight to her. In her eyes, she’s always right.

Am I really that difficult to love or care about? After the operation, I  thought things are gonna change. I pledged to straighten every relationship I have. Let go of the ones I don’t and can’t have and be grateful and give importance to the ones left. As to her, I wanted to make up for the wasted times and replace the not so good memories with good ones. After all, we’re family. Well, at least she is to me.

That makes me wonder whether things would ever be fixed between us. If ever time will come when she’ll realize that maybe at some point, I had been right also. I know I did some terrible things during my younger days. Maybe it’s the price I have to pay. And I’m not fully paid yet.

One wish

i'm in love... definitely in love.. with.. the eiffel tower!

Among the good and best places on earth, the tower hits the #1 spot in my heart.. if only i can see it, feel it..  if only it's that easy.. if only i'm rich enough to travel for it. well, at least it's not that impossible. right?

haaay, when can i see it.? i promise, before i reach 25, i definitely must see it.. even if i have to work my *ss off to earn that plane ticket and extra expenses.. problem is, i don't have any work right now.. lol.  must have a work soon.! *fingers crossed*

    

tagalog

sa aking perpektong mundo, magaapply ka sa trabahong gusto mo.. Magpapasa ka ng resume sa kumpanyang gusto mong maging kabilang. Magtratrabaho ayon sa kursong tinapos mo. Pero hindi ito ang aking perpektong mundo, kaya nag-aaply ako sa trabahong hindi ko masyadong gusto at nagpapasa ako ng resume sa mga institusyong hindi ko gaanong gustong mapabilang. At ang aking mga pinag-aralan malamang hindi ko masyadong mapapakinabangan.

ganyan nga yata ang buhay.. hindi perpekto. at hindi umaayon sa kung paano mo gustong paikutin ito.

New-Found Old Friends

tropang I</-\I)!=

I bumped into each of them every time. Oftentimes, we didn't even bother recognizing each other and just go on pretending we're not acquainted. I've known them even before i understood what friendship means. Some I've even known long before i learned how to write the word FRIEND.

Durng my most prideful days, I didn't want to be friends with them, get acquainted nor be oriented in their ways. I didn't want to get involved simply because i was prideful. I felt i was too perfect for them. I was too invincible. Like I've  worked myself out to make sure I'll grow up being better than them. And now, when everything else failed, when everyone seemed to abandoned me. When the people I considered the most important act like they never met me at all. And all I could turn to for happy hours and fun times are my family and some relatives. When blogger seemed to replace the role of the people I used to call friends. I end up turning to these people whom I've overlooked through the years.. whom I judged and ignored .

Fortunately or unfortunately, things have to happened this way for me to know them. And I should be glad. I am glad. You know, all just seemed to be different this time. Like things had been a little (or much, i must say) sentimental. I wasn't really this type of a person who checks her friends up making convos that don't really matter. Funny now how I make these extra efforts to make sure things are still intact and that I haven't lost any member of the group yet. Maybe because they are the ones I call as my first friends in this second chance. That's why I treasure them a lot.

I hope these ones wouldn't be like the others, who forgets when things get difficult  and a little too different. Keep the faith..

LIVE.. LAUGH.. LOVE..

It’s been quite a while since my last hopeful post!. I’ve read my entries last year and I felt a pinch of dismay. In as much as I don’t want to feel it at some point I just couldn’t help it.

A lot of things happened since THAT day last year. It was a big turning point for me… and it lead me to doubting over the things that I hoped and dreamt for over the years.

I GOT SICK. Remember I was blogging over my self diagnosed disease GERD? Well, it wasn’t actually it. I’ve been rushed in and out of the hospital. For 2 weeks, I was rushed three times. Then after a week of temporary recovery, we decided to move back in my hometown. I lost almost 7 kg in three weeks time.

Back home, I thought I would be better, but the pain crushed me again and had to ‘celebrate’ CHRISTMAS at the HOSPITAL. I was discharged after 2 days but pain was playing a trick on me so I was rushed back again and stayed for another 3 days. I underwent through tubes inserted in the mouth so the doctor can visualize and detect problems of the stomach and intestines. No lesions nor tumors were found, nothing abnormal except the excessive acid. So I just have to take some medications.

Luckily, I didn’t spend my New Year at at the hospital. But it wasn’t much of a happy ending coz I ended up crying out for pain at home. While neighbors were setting up fireworks and shouting HAPPY NEW YEAR!! on the streets, my family was so damn worried and contemplating whether they’ll gonna rush me again at the hospital. It was horrifying!

I wished to be well. I wanted to be well so I could attend my cousin/brother’s WEDDING.  He was counting on me, on us, his self proclaimed family to be able to enjoy with him this once in a lifetime finally happy moment of him. And I dread to be well so I couldn’t disappoint him too. Thank God I was able to attend and i never let him down! Coz I’ve seen him smile but I never truly seen him happy since that day.

Nearly two weeks passed and I felt a little better. I was determined to be better as everyone else was praying hard too that I’ll recover soon. I was on the road of recovery. Or just as I thought.

Thursday. on the 12^th of January I felt it again. I hoped it’ll leave me soon so I endured it for couple of hours. But it never left. So again for the 6^th time in a month, 6pm, I was rushed in the hospital.

You know the feeling when the doctors and nurses knew what you’re complaining at already upon entering the emergency room? And you see the sympathy or pity in their eyes. Gastric medicines are of no help. BP is low. Pulse is weak. Pain relievers don’t work. Best possible pain reliever only lasted for 45 minutes. And it continued to conquer me. Having the knowledge on situations like this, I was very damn worried and scared! But you know the worst feeling of all? It’s when the admitting PHYSICIAN surrendered possibility of cure on you already when you’re trying so hard to keep the faith that everything’s gonna be better. Can’t believe she was actually having doubts of whether she’ll gonna admit me despite of how I looked like that night.

At 11pm, I was admitted to my room. I cried the whole night, but tears weren’t visible. It felt like years and the pain was non-stop.

Friday, I was round up by my ‘real doctor’ and ordered some tests for me. Pain did subside a bit but the agony lived stronger.....

Saturday. I had my schedule for UTZ of the whole abdomen. The radiologist said I have stones in my gall bladder but advised me to wait for my attending physician for details.

Sunday. Yes, its confirmed, I have stones in my gall bladder.  I was referred to my uncle who is a surgeon  and he scheduled me for operation the following day. That night, thoughts were running through my mind. I can’t organize which of them I have to think of first. It felt like there’s little time left.

 Monday. While waiting for my turn in the OR, I wanted to pray hard. But I couldn’t say any other word except God and Mama Mary. I don’t know what to say or what to ask. I wanted to ask Him to continue to bless and watch over my family. I wanted to ask Him to give them courage for whatever’s gonna happen. I wanted to ask for his forgiveness. I wanted to ask Him to let me wake up after a few hours. But I think I wasn’t able to do so. Coz deep in my heart I was doubtful of whether I have the right to ask Him anything. And so I ended up saying this , “Thy will be done. And whatever it is, I’ll accept it.” It was the first time I felt how to live.

I hoped I won’t die, but if I will, I will be ready. 3 pm, I was transported to the OR. The anesthesiologist explained to me things I used to understand but not at that particular moment. I didn’t care any of it. I was given a drug and I went blank.

Wednesday. I was discharged from the hospital.

Post operative pain and hurdles followed. It was difficult. It’s like being born the second time only you have some memory stored already. Turning and getting up from bed requires other people's help. Same through with walking, taking a bath and other activities. All were difficult but who am I to complain?  I may be exaggerating or something but waking up was more like a MIRACLE. And I would always thank God for granting me another chance.

Yes, it was difficult. But through all these I learned a lot of valuable lessons. Most importantly I learned about FAMILY and... UNCONDITIONAL

In our family I’m NOT the favored child and I knew that.  i ACCEPTED that. That’s why I always try to be PERFECT coz I knew that for any failure I commit, I might lose them all. I tried to be strong, look after myself and rejected help coz I presumed all of those will be bullets to be fired back against me in the end. I only knew about conditional love coz I was used to being compared and judged. I NEVER FAILED in any matter other than failing to win the heart of my titos and titas against my relaxed competitor, my brother.  I was so consumed on becoming perfect.

But then I FAILED. I got sick and all the cool and strong front went down. The thing that I was scared the most happened. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how I could help my dad. I didn’t had any solution coz I was, in the first place, the problem. Though I hoped for the best, I expected the worst. But it didn’t happen. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the concern from the people I least expected to care much about me. I prepared myself from resentment but I never heard any single word from them. Instead they embraced me with laughter and acceptance I’ve always wished I had through the years. And I was happy. So happy.

The people I never tried to care before were the ones beside me. The cliché, ‘Only in times of difficulties that you’ll discover the people true to you’ was a proven fact. I realized that I paid too much attention to the things that were temporary. I loved my friends too much that I loved my family less. I gave too much time to perfecting my grades but paid a little attention to making real relationships. I’ve met a lot of people but I only saw a few when I stumbled and fall.

And so I’m not PERFECT, even if I try the hardest. 

And it’s a relief to know that even if I’m not and I won’t ever be, there are people who will be willing to walk beside me. Maybe I’m not much of a bad person after all. Maybe I must have done something good for them to believe in me.

So after the fall, i’ll rise again and continue to believe and dream. Now equipped and motivated with a whole and renewed principles, I’ll take it step by step. Like when I started walking again, it’s hard but I managed.   THINGS  ARE  ALWAYS DIFFICULT  IN  THE  BEGINNING,  ANYWAYS..

memories

nearly 7 months has passed, but i still found myself shedding tears over what happened. i know i shouldn't feel sorry for anything coz a lot of good things happened right after. a lot of lessons were learned. and i came to meet the people who truly cares for me. but as i travel back, i can't contain the sadness that i chose to ignore these past few months. life was moving forward and i was excited of what's gonna happen next, then i reached for a sudden stop. i wanted to move, i wanted to continue life as it is and use every strength i have left to go on but to no response. none of it even mattered coz to some people, they believe i'm not strong enough. they were convinced that i wasn't fighting back at all.

it came to a point when i thought i was fighting the battle alone. and it's really sad. i don't wanna be back to that time. when i was helpless and hopeless. and alone..

  

HOME.. is where my heart is.. and where it should be..

I used to love this place. I used to adore living here. Back when I was young, I equate this place to happiness. It’s a perfect place. A happy playground with lots of kids I get to play along with. With grandparents, uncles and aunties cheering me up and flattering me with toys and compliments. I couldn’t ask for more. Whenever I go back home I always wonder why I can’t stay any longer. And be happier.

I grew up and still feel the same way. In fact, after my operation I chose to stay here. And further use my recovery as an excuse to stay a little bit longer.

When I was away, I often think of this place. The place where my parents live. Where my cousins live. Where family could be found. Where happiness lies.

It still is though.. happy.. Knowing that my parents are here, I’m happy. But thinking that they live here, makes me a little sad. Thinking that the people I love lives here makes my heart upset. Coz this place grew to be shallow. I thought this is where family lies but I was wrong. I found out that selfishness, pride, ignorance and mediocrity are buried into the soil of their land. That a dream of someone is a nightmare of somebody else. And vice versa. It’s never a family here. It’s a competition. That explains why the way of living here is still substandard. Coz people don’t wanna move on.

I don’t know if it’s just me not being contented of what I have, searching for something I couldn’t find that I begin to see this place a little too different from what I used to believe in. Eventually, in as much as I don’t want to, I grew tired of it. I’ve found a different side of it and also found an urge to move out. You know the feeling when you wanted to keep an image of something then comes to a point when you could clearly see the picture and it wasn’t at all similar to the image you have in mind through the time?  Disappointing.

But you see, I don’t want to entirely shut the perfect vision of this place from my mind. I don’t wanna see it as entirely negative one. Maybe it’s a solution to move out. 

Coz even if it’s only an illusion, I’d still want to see it as a perfect place. Anyway, it’s still the one thing I think of whenever I hear of the word HOME..