maybe being bitchy isn't always bad..

i don't want to sound like a rotten bitch nor a possessed victim here.. i don't want to be sensitive or melodramatic.. in as much as possible i don't want to create a drama out of mere feelings and vibes. i'm a very objective and optimistic person but maybe times like this strikes me and i can't help it.. it always seems like i'm the rudest person here but if they only knew how considerate i'm trying to be.. you see people, i have this disease.. a self-diagnosed one. GERD. it usually attacks in the middle of the night, especially when i eat too much dinner and goes to bed early. so as much as possible i go to bed 3 hours after dinner.. i'm that kind of person who has the least tolerance to pain. no one knows how much i suffer when it comes.. as they were all sleeping deeply while i cry myself out of pain in the middle of the night.. it lasts for hours, 5 hours the least. and i end up purging trying to ease the pain. i've told her about it. she seems to care, but she doesn't. i wish she knew how it feels like so she doesn't have the nerve to insist to me that i should eat much at dinner or to eat very late. i'm tired of the same dialogues refusing to eat more or asking her to eat early. i'm tired of it..

and now i decided to blog instead of having my dinner. because it's too late to have one and i don't have the energy to force a smile and fight over taking another bite when i'm already full.. i don't want to say it coz i don't want to recognize it. i don't want to name what i'm feeling right now coz i'm afraid it may not exactly be it. but i feel like i'm gonna explode if i won't. so i'll say it anyway.. i'm pissed.. though i know i don't have the right to be but i am. and i can't help it. it just comes out naturally. i'm pissed coz she always seems to know all things and that she understands all of it. but truth is, she doesn't. and she doesn't care a bit.. she always act like the pathetic victim. she always make me feel like i'm a burden. and it troubles me coz i've never felt like i am. just now..

y do i care so much on what she thinks of me anyway? i've always been a free spirit. i do what i want to do and get it done when i want it done.. i'm trying hard to be nice here.. maybe it's time i show her how brat of a person i can be..

No one said it's gonna be easy

These were the times when life hasn’t changed yet. when life was uncomplicated. You eat, you breathe and have fun. roam around, talk about everything and laugh together. If only it’s possible to hold and stop the sun from setting down, even if it’s just for a while. Now life has changed its direction. as normally as it occurs, things happen. Whether it’s for the good or bad, it happens coz it’s part of the process. The sun still sets at the end of the day no matter how hard you chase after it. Good thing is, it rises up in the morning. People need to grow up. And so we did.

I’m not being bitter of life changing here, maybe i’m just being nostalgic. Who would ever thought that a year ago, things were as simple as that. No pretensions, no worries. Just smiles for having fun.

now, we’re all bounded by responsibilities. Some have to look after their own families. Others are committed to work. And I am here. In a foreign city. trying hard to be independent. hoping things will work out for me here.

I don’t have any regrets for moving here nor them having their job nor them being married and having kids. In fact, I’m glad it happened. Come to think of it, those were few precious treasures life offers not to everyone. The reason why I’m blogging it is because I was just amazed of how life could actually turn out in a year time. A year ago, we were inseparable and now we don’t even have the chance to see each other. Nor text each other =(

See, life surprises you. You don’t know what’s gonna happen in a year or in a second. It comes and you have no way of preventing it. Maybe you just have to brace yourself all the time. And be glad for anything that comes along.

Stumbled upon this quote and it popped to my mind just now “you’ll never be prepared when an opportunity comes. When you think you are, it’ll be too late.”

things really are bounded to change. And I would like to think that every change of direction is an opportunity to become better. Everything must have their reason. I may not know it for now, but someday I will understand.

I’m wondering what life would turn out after another year. I’m scared but honestly, I’m excited. I can’t wait to explore life. I’ll just gonna have to grab on every opportunity even if I’m not ready. Bravery, it is. maybe I just need to be brave enough.