i don't wanna fall for someone who happens to be my fRienD., i mEAn, he isn't just a friEnd to me, fROm day 1 i looked up to him as a bRothEr.. except frOm the fact that he has some resemblance with my brothEr, his gestures was all like him.. thAt couLd bE the rEason why i bEcame so cLose thAt i opEn up mostLy everythinG to him.. noW, i don't know what is happeninG coz it feeLs like i'm driftinG awAy frOm him.. maybe because there's nobody eLse around that's why i'm kinDa afraid that i myt faLL.. i don't wanna love him.. i do, i mean as a frienD, like the way a sister loves her brother.. the way a sister cares for a brother.. but other than that, i don't want to consider anything eLSe.. that's just the way it is.. and i don't want to go neaR the border to risk somethinG.. come on, falling for him would be like an incest..

maybe, i'm just a bit jealous because he has found her girL.. OMG, thAt mEans, i'm a possessive sister?! ahaha.. well yeah maybe.. because he has found his, and i haven't found mine.. that makes me feel like i'm left behind.. and it makes me sad..

what if, everybody else has found the love of their lives? i would be left.. alone.. diba? yes, i can manage somehow, i have some friends still.. but at the end of the day, i would be still be going home alone.. sleeping with nobody to tell goodnight to.. gosh, i'm starting to hate this.. why does everybody seemed to have their love life, some even have love lives, making empahasis on the plural form of it, ad its so pity of me that i don't even have any..

i'm beginning to fail on thinGs.. love.. (hell yeah, been failing the whole time).. friends ( like my old barkada starts to disintegrate already).. studiEs (the one thinG i thouGht i wouLd always be best at).. daughter (i think i'm beginning to).. sister(one thinG i'm most afraid to fail at).. dream of becoming a doctor (i still want it, but i'm not xur if i have to continue dreaminG for it..) OMG! thinking of all these, it makes me sick!..

i want to concentrate! i want to focus.! but it seems i can't!.. how can i motivate myself?? when my drEam seems to turn its back on me..

thinGs definiteLy had chAngEd..

now i can see him through the eyes without worryinG that i may get caught., i did like him too much,. and now, i don't know.. all i know is that he remains to be special to me and i don't have any hard feelinGs towards us enDing up as fRiends and sometimes just mere acquaintances.. i'm happy for him if ever he's happy.. i'm happy for knowinG him, and definitely i had the greatest time bonding with him.. sometimes, when i see him we taLk the way we used to and by the moment he walks away, i draw a smile on my face thinking how i was able to move on and be happy on the thinGs that had happened.. i knw from the bottom of our hearts, we may not be the best friends ever but we know we've been real fRiends at somE point..

right now, i'm still searching for that one perSOn.. that person i can count on.. the one whom i can tell all my stories with.. all my aspirations, my failures and worries.. my sentiments.. why can't finD him? why can't he finD me? im not demanding for a heart poppinG love stoRy, i just want a true fRiend, someone who wouLd stAy with mE and Listen to me without worryinG that he may be Late for his date with her girlfriend.. you know what i mean.. without me worrying that someone may get angry with me nor with him.. am i waiting for too lonG?? i'm losinG my patiEnce and i'm losing my faith..

supEr iLanG.. gRabe

you know the feeling na kung pwede lng mgmigrate nlang bigla at maglaho na lng na parang bula.. because you can't comprehend onto the things that's been happening already.! super unwanted ang mga feelings that you would rather prefer not to make an action anymore..

lately, super sad na aq.. it feels like i dont have anyone left.. i feel so alone and nobody is there to even accompany me.. yeah, i can do it maybe i have to be independent but is being independednt means you have to be sad and alone?

ayoko nA!.. i wanted to be at peace n muna.. stop n muna ako jan!. withrawal na 'to!

hopEfuL..

hAd beEn a LonG time na nGbLog ako,. and as i read my posts, i think back and wonder how i valued him too much..

now, i don'T know if i hAd moveD on, but one thinGs foR xuR.. i accepted the Fact aLreAdy.. he's noT minE.. mAybe at some poinT he did like mE, but that Was just it.. and the thing between us, whatever it is remains to be a mystery.. unsaid.. i still finD myseLf haunting the oLd dayS, but those were ovEr.. onE thinG i'm scared about though is that if ever we cross pAths aGain, and tHat actually this feeLing of yEsterdAy didn't actually fade., it just sLept..

i don't know, but i'm hoPinG thinGs wouLd be differenT.. if it's nOt him, i hoPe "destiny" wouLdn't pLay a gAme with me..

thinGs aren't supposed to be thE sAme..

oftentimes i wonder, am i talking nonsense already.. am i overreacting already? am i only thinking about my pain? am i just being paranoid and melodramatic? do i think much of myself already..? can anyone tell me if it is selfish to keep secrets for myself? am i selfish if i pour out my sentiments and heartaches on this internet-based blog with an unknown identity? am i unfair when i trust the internet more about confidentiality than normal people around me.. can u blame me if i do..

i really don't how hurt i really am now for i've always been denying it for the whole years of my life.. i try to open up to myself and bring out to consciousness all the pains and sorrows and everything that might have been responsible for the emptiness i feel inside.. i often evaluate myself and acts as a perfectionist in front of other people, i mean in front of all the people on earth.. i just don't know how to feel anymore.. i'm overwhelmed by the emotions i'm feeeling inside.. sometimes i asked, am i just burrying myself out from self-pity.. i mean not all the haertaches in the world are mine, still there are those who are more unfortunate than me.. but i just feel so empty..

i feel like i have no one to talk to.. i carry my own load just because i don't want to depend on anybody else for they are too busy with their own lives.. it's always been easier to be a child.. i never thought growing up would be this difficult.. i often tell myself that its okay, that i'm fine.. that i have been used to all of these.. being alone.. minding my own bussiness.. i never really disclose myself to anyone for i believe they would soon leave me afterwards.. people get tired, they grow up.. and in the process they may always outgrown you, before you knew it, you're left behind.. they meet other people who are more interesting because memories are still fresh and there are a lot more of experience on the way..

people are like gadgets.. they are "in" when they are new.. you care for them, you love them, you'll fight for them because it is new.. but sooner or later you begin to find other else.. why? because people tend to adapt.. and once they had adapted, they begin to search for another adventure..

relationships are like puzzles, they are good when they are new.. you give your time into it.. you learn how to deal with it.. you'll do everything to know the twists and turns.. but once you discovered the secret behind it, no more adventures to look forward for.. you begin to decline.. you begin to withraw.. you begin to forget.. and leave it behind.. things are just like thAt.. SadLy, it's Just as easy Like thAt..

that's why before i find myself being left behind, i leave them first.. when things seems to be boring already it's a signal for me to exit.. yeah i know, it's insensitive.. it's unhuman but iv'e been the hell of a loser since i was i child.. it's about time that i should feed my ego with pride.. i've been punishing myself for so long.. i've been hating myself too much just because people were trying to put me down.. they've been instilling me how bad i look like, how bad i act, and how bad i really am.. and i believed thEm.. frustatingly, i believed thEm.. i think it's about time that i have to begin fighting for myself.. i've been demanding for respect and love and care.. but i never really cared and loved myself.. i believed them too much.. it's about time i should begin loving myself.. i don't know how, i don't know if i can.. but i know i have to try..