oftentimes i wonder, am i talking nonsense already.. am i overreacting already? am i only thinking about my pain? am i just being paranoid and melodramatic? do i think much of myself already..? can anyone tell me if it is selfish to keep secrets for myself? am i selfish if i pour out my sentiments and heartaches on this internet-based blog with an unknown identity? am i unfair when i trust the internet more about confidentiality than normal people around me.. can u blame me if i do..
i really don't how hurt i really am now for i've always been denying it for the whole years of my life.. i try to open up to myself and bring out to consciousness all the pains and sorrows and everything that might have been responsible for the emptiness i feel inside.. i often evaluate myself and acts as a perfectionist in front of other people, i mean in front of all the people on earth.. i just don't know how to feel anymore.. i'm overwhelmed by the emotions i'm feeeling inside.. sometimes i asked, am i just burrying myself out from self-pity.. i mean not all the haertaches in the world are mine, still there are those who are more unfortunate than me.. but i just feel so empty..
i feel like i have no one to talk to.. i carry my own load just because i don't want to depend on anybody else for they are too busy with their own lives.. it's always been easier to be a child.. i never thought growing up would be this difficult.. i often tell myself that its okay, that i'm fine.. that i have been used to all of these.. being alone.. minding my own bussiness.. i never really disclose myself to anyone for i believe they would soon leave me afterwards.. people get tired, they grow up.. and in the process they may always outgrown you, before you knew it, you're left behind.. they meet other people who are more interesting because memories are still fresh and there are a lot more of experience on the way..
people are like gadgets.. they are "in" when they are new.. you care for them, you love them, you'll fight for them because it is new.. but sooner or later you begin to find other else.. why? because people tend to adapt.. and once they had adapted, they begin to search for another adventure..
relationships are like puzzles, they are good when they are new.. you give your time into it.. you learn how to deal with it.. you'll do everything to know the twists and turns.. but once you discovered the secret behind it, no more adventures to look forward for.. you begin to decline.. you begin to withraw.. you begin to forget.. and leave it behind.. things are just like thAt.. SadLy, it's Just as easy Like thAt..
that's why before i find myself being left behind, i leave them first.. when things seems to be boring already it's a signal for me to exit.. yeah i know, it's insensitive.. it's unhuman but iv'e been the hell of a loser since i was i child.. it's about time that i should feed my ego with pride.. i've been punishing myself for so long.. i've been hating myself too much just because people were trying to put me down.. they've been instilling me how bad i look like, how bad i act, and how bad i really am.. and i believed thEm.. frustatingly, i believed thEm.. i think it's about time that i have to begin fighting for myself.. i've been demanding for respect and love and care.. but i never really cared and loved myself.. i believed them too much.. it's about time i should begin loving myself.. i don't know how, i don't know if i can.. but i know i have to try..
