liking

i think i'm liking someone.. is it even real?

i often ask God to let me have someone whom i will love and who'll love me. i usually ask Him to let me meet that person. but since that day, i began to ask Him a different favor. why do i think of him more? why do i ask God for him? why did I beg my now resting in peace grandparent's blessings to help me ask God so i can be with him? why do i wish it's him i've been waiting for?

is it even real?

and why does my heart skips a beat and aches when i see his photos from the networking site? i'm thinking a lot about him more than i should. i'm wondering how he feels. And though i know he's busy minding about her girlfriend, i couldn't help but hope that maybe a day will come.

maybe i can't be that girl he'll ever like. or maybe he's thinking i'm not the girl he'll ever get. and it's a little sad coz if he only knew. i don't really care about whom to please now. i don't really care about what people might say now. i only wish to be happy. just say you the word and for sure things will be different.

choices

you always have a choice. even when it seems like you're on a one-way road, you can still choose the other direction.

hopeless post.. DON'T READ! i'm not liable for your conscience.

remember on how i used to write about the things we once used to love suddenly disappears.

i'm ashamed of myself for having these thoughts. but i guess i never really understood anything before. i always act like the brave one. that everythings gonna be fine and theres a light after all of these. that better things comes to those who doesn't quit. Now i wonder if all of those were all bullshit! i'd stay out comforting friends and goes home alone and suicidal at thought.

coz, honestly, nothings going fine! everything is sad anyway or anyhow i look at it. just felt like i've been enduring for so long. Let me get tired thinking that everythings gonna be fine. let me get tired pretending i will be fine. let me get tired believing i could be happy. i wanna rest a bit. and times like this come and i'd wish it would be forever.

why did i live for the second time? why did i even opened my eyes after the operation? maybe Dr. anesthesiologist could have overdosed me. or Dr. surgeon accidentally cut the wrong artery. am i fooling myself believing that there's even a reason? i have a friend diagnosed with colon cancer. how can it not be me? (yes, i'm being selfish. but let me not care for once)

it never felt like these before. they say ending one's life is the lamest thing to do.. damn you people! who are you to say that???

i'm tired of reminding myself that everyone has their own problems and that i don't own up every trouble in the world. yes, i don't. but why does it seemed to be so difficult now? why does it seemed like everyone has abandoned me. why does it seemed that i'm not needed a bit. if i leave now, who would cry? who would get hurt? maybe my family and some friends would. but eventually, they'll recover. and forget.

i'm jealous of the people who can say anything they want when they want it. curse people and get away with it because they were drunk.what a stupid life. i've been drunk but i never lost control! why? coz i'm afraid nobody would stay if i would. coz i don't trust anyone that they would stay. maybe i was right all along.. nobody really stayed!

lucky enough for me that my parents survived after their accident more than a decade ago. coz if i had lost them that time, i honestly think i wouldn't be here now.

i once quitted life. this is actually my second hopeless letter. nobody knew about it. and again. this time. nobody would notice.

not-a-suicide note

Someday i'll be worth it.

One day, i would have the courage to not allow anyone, just ANYONE, to step on my parade.
Someday, i'll be worthy of the repect.
Someday, i'll get some praises.
Someday, i'll walk with my chin up and won't look down.
Someday, people won't see me as a passerby.
Someday, people would hear me out.
Someday, i wouldn't care what others would say.
Someday, you'll seek for my opinion.
Someday, i'll be the person you'll brag to your friends.
Someday, i'll be a sister you'd be proud of.


I hope i can endure till the end
Coz when that day comes, i hope it won't be too late.

i'm gonna be more brave..

so today i sent them a message saying that i miss them. I do. I miss them everyday. But I'm not the same girl anymore. and i'm still afraid they might not like her at all. Maybe i'm not ready to face them yet. I'm that type of a friend now who would rehearse some lines and would prepare some topics to converse with. I'm not expecting anything else anyway. i just wanted to tell them that. it's at least the only thing i'm sure of this time.

hakuna matata

i just made a big decision today. it's kinda hard. but i think i'm sticking to it. i don't know if it's right coz it's realistically and practically not right. how would you know whether you're throwing off an oppurtunity or you're making way for another oppurtunity?

well, maybe i needed to be wrong sometimes. and if it is, i'll mark this day and won't regret. coz i've made a decision and i'll stick to it. no matter the consequences. Hakuna Matata!

happiness

Maybe life is indeed unpredictable. You'd end up saying the words you'll never thought you'd say. And do the things you said you'll never do. you'll lose the people you thought would stay. And find yourself surrounded with people you never cared about.

And so, from now on, i will be happy. With or without the people i once considered important. With or without the dreams i pushed myself upon. of course, ill try the hardest but ill be happy at the same time. Theres a lot of hope and i am being hopeful. Forgiveness takes time. and i know someday ill forgive myself too. I know i'm getting there.

The woman I love the most

that person should definitely be me, i must say. but right now i'm refering to someone else. my mom.

how predictable.

i seldom really talked about her in this blog, to my friends, nor to anyone else. and i f i do, a phrase like "she's okay" would be good and long enough.  One, because, i'm obviously subbornly a daddy's girl. Two, i don't have much memories with her growing up (coz i would always choose to be with papa over her). Three, we weren't really close. Four, there weren't so much things to talk about her. Five, talking about her brings me a sense of pain and unannounced regret.

i remember her working at an office while i was young but she quitted later on for reasons i never found the courage to ask. She quitted her life to be a full time housewife and a mother of two kids. but since she got sick, she can't do any of it anymore. Now, she's a woman with insecurities.

i can no longer expound any further, as i 've said, there's not much to talk about. she's timid like me. and that humbleness seemed to be annoying at times. she stays quiet even if she's hurt. remains silent even when wrongly judged and never retaliates even when mistreated. she just cries helplessly behind. i tell you, its very annoying. and stupid. i never understood her. how can someone stay calm even when she knows she's drowning? Until i learned how to swim.

thinking of her makes my heart flutter for i couldn't bring myself to think that i once took her for granted. that i was once her burden and reason of her troubles. i feel guilty that once i was a reason of her tears. and its way too painful realizing that she may had the other way. and i could have missed how beautiful of a woman she is.

she's not a doctor, nor a lawyer. not a bussinesswoman nor a teacher. she's my mom. maybe she's not the kind of a woman you'll be proud of but she's the kind of a mother you'll never resist to love. 

she's not the woman of the world but she's the woman i love the most.

this blog

i got the idea of remaining anonymous in this blog so i could vent out my feelings yet remain a private person. since i'm a shy type/control freak individual, this blog acts as the other part of me that people would never know about. it sees whatever that i wouldn't want to see. says whatever i would never dare say. and accepts the things i refuse to believe. a shock absorber. suposed to be. later on, i found myself limiting my entries so i could maintain and remain undiscoverable. i wonder if it was a good deal to pretend anonymous.  

stranger

 I have been hesitant to post about this coz it may seem nonsense or yeah, creepy👻. But anyway, this is a journal of mine and i never started this out being anonymous if im gonna hold back.

So, i have been checking out/following/stalking (whatever you'd prefer to call it) a certain blogpost of a stranger which i guess i've mentioned quite long ago. I was clicking the next blog icon till i came across to his blog and later on found myself hooked up. so okay, what's the point of me writing this down? I don't know either. It's not like he'll ever gonna read this or that he'll ever know. though, ill be glad if he would.

I sound like a fan now. Maybe i am. or a stalker? I hope not. Yet.. 😅

Ok, seriously why am i blogging about him. Some stranger who'll never gonna find out? Maybe that's basically the reason why. since im a control freak posting articles under the code name of tissue_paper03 it's a fearless act coz he'll never gonna know who i am.

Through the years that i've followed his blog i came to feel his presence. That someone out there is feeling or have felt the things that im going through. Since im not really the kind of person who disturbs a random person ranting about things im not sure they would understand, knowing someone out there who ever felt the same is comforting enough for me. It gives me the assurance that somehow, im not living alone.

There had been updates of his life that im left asking what made him did it. Or why had he chosen to let go instead of holding on. Or whether he really is happy coz he let go. Was it worth it to just let things be broken? I don't know the real story behind his every article. But later on found myself relating to it. that maybe it was the right thing to do at the moment.

from time to time, i check on to his blog but realizing that he never got to update for a year now gets me a little disappointed. i know its not a responsibility nor an obligation. But i hope one day he'll again continue.

Maybe, i just want you to know that someone right here have been swept by your articles. Well, along with many others perhaps. so to you, i hope you won't stop. It may seem nonsense or just plain nothing but it did helped me out. So, thank you.

I'm sorry..

i hope the friendship will be patched up someday.

I pray that somehow, even though i decided to take a break from all of it, and some people may have replaced my role in your life, i still occupy a place in your heart. i know things are a little bumpy now, well at least for me but i look forward to that day when we'll be able to catch up, and i'll be able to cope up.

For now, i'm sorry. i'm sorry if you feel that i may have abandoned you. even though not-so-good things happened, i believe things still remain to be the same. coz it used to be that way for us. later on i realized that's it's actually been a long time since we last hang out, and that maybe i have forgotten how it felt like anymore. for the first time in a decade, i felt lost and out of place with the people i've always been comfortable hanging out with.

I knew, something had changed. and that change can't be undone nor can it be halted. it has to happen for us to grow up. Sadly, it also means we have to grow apart. but whatever happens to friendship, i hope it won't at least end.

In time things will be fixed up. i won't go along pretending everything is fine anymore. but that doesn't mean that i'm giving it up.

Sorry for doing this. And sorry for forgetting how it felt like. I'm sorry coz i forgot how to be a friend. Sorry, i changed. and forgive me now coz i'm taking a break from all of it. I'm a little broken now. And the friendship can't be fixed with a cracked up member in it.

maybe i should have remembered these

HIM... and moving on.

And yes, i was/am Facebook-stalking.. Guess what i found out? I found out that they were couples officially by 02/26/08. and so, i read back my obsessed diary entries starting December of 07. Geez, i thought they were together when they aren't and acted like they aren't when they were. Why did he made me feel that way when he had someone special already? I even spent Valentines day with him though i'm not pretty sure coz he seemed to had dinner with her afterwards. so why did he ever made me feel like he's pursuing me? Even looked me in the eyes while singing a love song during our program presentation in English (Speech). Said he misses me much in text. Said 'i love you' to me during English class. and that not every time that he's fooling around with me.

with these rants, i still come to same conclusion. He didn't like me that much. please move on girl. can't believe i'm still writing this down. I'm supposed to find someone else.

i knew i accepted it already. it's in the past and i have to go on. He has his own life and his own happiness now. it's about time i have to find my own too. 6 years a bit too much to hold on to something that never even started.

Though some attempted to make a move after, they never really got too far for i pushed them away early and they gave up pretty easily. Coz unless someone clearly state it, i will always put no malice in every special thing they do. i sound pretty insensitive or dumb, but i guess it's a lesson i learned from loving him. I guess i got too scared to fall again after. A control freak further fears of losing control.

i wonder now if there would still be someone out there who'll ever cross that boundary. i have a great wall built in front of me, sometimes i think i must try harder too but it's surprisingly hard for me to tear it down too.

I need a lot of hope and faith that someday, i'll find him finally.

*that white little flower you never gave

path..

i had a fight with my brother last night. the reason was petty. childish and simple. yet made me cried so hard. it was my second real cry after i moved in here and this one is the most painful. maybe because i'm carrying a full load right now. sad, upset, frustration, longing along with others all rolled up to consume me. i'm fighting real and i'm trying hard to stand tall even if deep within i know i'm nearing to surrender. like a balloon, flexible and elastic, trying it's might to keep in shape only to hold emptiness inside.

i didn't want this. if i may tell you, coz i feel like you've misunderstood.. I DON'T WANT THIS. i don't want to be in this position. be dependent on others. i don't know if you ever felt this. having to search all your life for what you wanted, then after realizing what it is, you found out that you have no place in it. it sucks!

i don't know if you understand a bit of what it feels like. maybe you do or maybe you don't. i just can't talk about all of these things to you anymore. coz you're busy hating me now.

i went through a seminar the last time and one thing the speaker said that struck me the most was: the deepest pain you'll ever have is when the people/family you have would be the first person to judge and doubt you. and it is.

as i've mentioned in my previous posts, i don't have friends right now. though i have some thoughtful ones left and i'm so thankful for that. but the closeness between us weren't like the ones whom i could send a plain sad-face text message and would console me without asking what childish act am i ranting again. sometimes i miss them. well , a lot of times actually. Coz now, its either nobody understands me, or nobody cares anymore.

i know you have your own pains right now. pressure juggling your work while coping up with your love life, while taking a step back on to your social life, and to add up a dependent, bummer brat sister would definitely get you crazy. i understand. at least, i try to. i know i have my own shortcomings in as much as i want to get rid of them so i won't be a burden to anyone else especially to you. i understand that you have your own worries and problems too. that's why i try as i might not to demand anything from you. i'm not your responsibility. and you don't owe me anything.


maybe i'm hurting now because i expected much. it's my fault. when i thought my world was falling apart (childish imaginary dramas), the only person who understood me well and protected me was my brother. So i thought, when i'll get to the point where i'll get frustrated chasing my dreams, my brother would also be there cheering me on. i was wrong. well, at least i still have my mom and my dad as far as i know. though, i don't have any idea how long they'll too gonna endure with me.

everyday, i pray that soon i'll find myself. i'll see light through this. i know this has a reason, a lesson somehow. i'll wait. i'll patiently wait. but what saddens me really was the idea of how much people i would still have left whenever that time comes.

To my Aunt

this post i want to dedicate to this person whom i wrongly despised all through the years. My aunt.

i think I've mentioned, if not talked about her in few of my posts. And I may say I'm not gonna retract the things I've written in there coz that's basically what i felt those times.

You see maturity comes with age. When you were little, you always look forward to your upcoming birthday and you practice adding up one tiny finger to your actual age when you're asked how old you are. But as you grow older, you begin to wish life could turn back so you could be a happy kiddo again.

I never felt these even when i was already in college, when life took a sudden twist right in front of my eyes, basically because you were there. I just wanted to hurry up, graduate, leave the house and leave you. Coz i was sick and tired of you. I couldn't wait to be independent, be by my own and one day won't look back coz I've reached far enough. Coz I've proven myself well. That I can get through life without the help of anybody. So I finished school by the age of 19. A little younger than the usual. An achievement- supposed to be. For i intend to leave you guys the soonest time.

Three years after and I moved to the city. Nothing fancy really. I began to realize that there are things you need to sacrifice so you could grow up. And for me, for us, it's the comfort of being home. In here I learned how to fit myself in a space same size as my room along with four other borders. Well, to cut all the drama short, I learned about living. And it's not as easy as I thought it is. Papa never taught me how to live it. You did. 

In all honesty, what i'm really trying to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times I have offended you. And most of all, in any way, showed disrespect towards you.

Things were rough between us. Admit it, we don't really get along. but one thing i realized is that even if we clash a hundred times, you would still be my aunt. And you are a family. And whether you like it or not, I am your niece. Deal with that! hehe. Kidding aside, I really won't wish for anything better that could have happened between the two of us. Coz if things were different, I might not realize your existence in my life.

And thank you. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for teaching me the basic things i have to learn in school. you are after all, a teacher.
*i don't know why i'm writing this one. it's as if there's an epiphany that i'm gonna die before any of you.

Thank you for the letter/card you gave as a present to me on my graduation. today, i consider it as one the greatest gifts i have ever received, along with all  the members of the family. even though i never even thanked you for that.

I really couldn't ask for more, i really shouldn't ask for more coz i have the best people whom i knew at the end of the day i could depend on to.

I just want you to know that i don't hate you. in fact, i'm really thankful for all the things you've done. people make mistakes, i have my own share of it and so do you.

Now, i have to strive harder not because i want to get far away, but to get closer. I hope someday i could provide you also the comfort of life you were willing to share with me. I hope someday, i could also stand strong whom you could lean on to when things gets a little dizzy for you too. i hope someday, you'll be more proud because you raised a child like me.

When suddenly, your bestfriend is no longer the best friend..

dated 3/15/13


WANTED: FRIENDS!

Seriously, where are they? What do I have left? whom do i have left?

I felt this the last time I saw her and since then it bothers me more than ever. I’ve never felt insecure over her other friends before for I knew I would always be the best friend. Along the way, I didn’t know what happened. Things seemed to be different. One, or maybe both of us changed and so is the friendship.  I didn’t know it was coming because I was busy with my own pain. The year went tough for me, maybe it was too for her, I didn’t know. I didn’t ask. I didn’t check. I pushed people away. I thought the ones who love me enough could wait and would stay. And yes, some held on, waited till I come back to life. While most of them pulled back and left. Sadly, she was one of them. She grew tired of me. Finally. And there goes our friendship for 10 years.

She found her new friends. Friends maybe who stayed with her when she needed a friend most too. Friends who understood her when I couldn’t be a friend to anyone else. Friends who held her hand when I’m busy mending my own self. Friends who didn’t leave her for some selfish reasons. Friends who aren’t like me.

I don’t wanna lose hope. Till now I still want to believe that were still are the best friends. That I am still her bestfriend coz she still is to me. I still want to think that maybe our friendship just got lost somewhere. That maybe it just withered and a little irrigation could save it.

I don’t know. Maybe I should just be happy for her and move forward too. It’s really hard now. It seems like my friend list had been reformatted. Everyone falls down at some point. Everyone has their own problem. We never expected each of us to be always there. That’s the reason why the friendship lasted. How can she replace me just like that? How can she be friends with everybody now except me? How can she blatantly claim other friends she just met to be someone who knows her very much.

I asked for renewed and improved life. But Lord, does that mean I can’t keep those that I already had?

Be Brave..

Deep down i know i have to blog so i could unload some weights that I'm having at the moment  but i just don't know where to start..

And yes, that's exactly the problem coz i don't know how to begin anymore. It feels like I'm back to to this post but somehow i feel even worse. Now i have a clearer picture of my dream, the motive, and the ambition but now I'm more scared that i might fall back even harder.

I know i shouldn't be. Coz whatever happens, two things are bound to happen, either you move forward or you learn a lesson. Both a good thing. I always remind myself of this everyday, along with other encouragements like be brave, just take the first step, etc. etc. but along the way my afraid-self kicks in and eventually wins. Im aware that this won't get me anywhere but i just couldn't help it. It's easier said than done. And its giving me a real hard time.

No i definitely won't surrender but i can't take the first step either. What am i supposed to do? Do i need more time? For what? Am i not wasting so much time yet?

I've missed some good opportunities and most of all friends coz i've given myself so much 'time'. That maybe the reason why i got sick  was because i'm moving too fast. That maybe i have to take things slow so i could enjoy the ride.

Then suddenly a realization struck me. You see i have this habit of putting a deadline to whatever i do. To listing down the things i need to do down to every detail. Of course it helps especially to someone like me who easily forgets things. Evidences..

 

But now, maybe i don't really need this. I have my own lifestory. I shouldn't compare the achievements of others to mine coz i will have my own. Maybe my career, my love just took a right turn on some streets and would be here soon.

Yes, i'll take it slow. Maybe the reason why I'm stressing out is because I pressure myself too much. And now, i won't anymore.. I'll take it one step at a time..

2012

at some point last year i swore to dedicate a post every first month to summarize the things i've done on the previous year. so this post shouldve been done a month ago. geez, procastinations!.

So what i did on 2012 were:

Bumming

Pig-eating

and Sleeping


yeah, that' basically what i did! what a dysfunctional human being, right?


kidding aside, there's so much things that happened the last year. most of it happened deep within me. Literally and figuratively.. =) i stayed in my home-hometown for the year but i learned a lot of things while living here:

in here, i've learned to be more conscious of my health and of others.

in here, i learned that family are supposed to take care of each other.

i learned how to take responsibility of my family and of the ones i love.

i learned that there are issues in every family.

i learned that there are things in life that cannot be controlled no matter how hard you fight against it.

i learned how to wait for my turn.

i learned how to pray hard for life.

i learned how to surrender my own battle.

i learned that i have to strive hard to get the things that i dream about.

i learned that i lived a fairly good and fairly luxurious life and that there are also some people who wished to have the things that i always had.

i learned to forgive and forget.

i learned that everyone commits mistakes and that everyone deserve second chances.

i learned that everyone fails, including me.

i learned to be more contented.

i learned to dream more.

i learned to take a closer look on the needs of other people.

i learned to appreciate and accept the lackings of life.

i learned how to laugh hard and loud.

i learned that it's fine if you sneeze and burp loudly. *i kinda enjoyed this one

i learned that farts could stink, whoever they came from. : p

i learned that kids can only reward you with one thing: pure love.

i learned that not all people are nice but they all have reasons.

i learned that politics are everywhere.

i learned that people will always have something to say about you.

i learned that not every people you meet will care for you.

i learned that people can change even if she's you're bestfriend.

i learned not to prejudge potential friends.

i learned that there are several mountains higher than me in this world.

i learned how to respect more the working class.

i learned that ipads, iphones, BMW's are of no help when you're dying.

i learned that a little help could mean a world to the person you're helping with.

i learned that a little smile could lift someone's spirit up.

i learned that real happiness is a choice.

wishes...

Do not give up what you want the most, for what you want now.

I hope someday, it'll come true...