ive always acted to be okay, to be so fine.. it was just then that i realized everything seems to be out of hand and its hurting me already.. i've got so much problems, well everybody does, but it was just at this minute that i was able to think about all of them.. and i was shocked when i found myself in the middle of all these troubles..
i'm failing at my studies.. i have so many dreams and all of these depends on how well i can be at my studies.. i needed to finish my studies., i've always been so confident about passing my subjects.. not that i feel so smart i can do it all, its just that I'M FAILING ALREADY and no matter how hard i try to put all these items, concepts, informations and all into my head, they just can't be absorbed.. i never had any difficulty focusing and reviewing before.. i can even review a 10 page handout 30 mins before the exam, be confident about it and still get a satisfactory grade.. but now, i read my noteS for 2 hours already, be confident about it.. but to find out, i failed at exam..! damn.. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
my mom just got back from the hospital like a week from now,. she's been ill for 2 years now.. she was recovering from a mild stroke and as far as i can see, she had recovered from that already.. then my dad just told me they got back to the hospital because she has gastritis and anemia.. and now, she has to recover again.. she feels weak like she had her 2nd stroke.. oh gosh, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? i'm so deeply hurt and worried about that.. i fear so much of losing my family.. nobody knows what i can do for them.. they just thought i'm just this bratt kid who needed to be in school for obedience sake.. for my sake.. nobody knew all my plans for them.. nobody knew how much i'm priorotizing my family more than myself.. i don't even have a fixed plan for myself but i've already established all my plans for them.. what am i gonna do without them?..
then i feel so alone.. i come home from school with nobody to talk to.. we just had a fight with my brother 5 days ago and we haven't talk since then.. am i a bad sister when i just wanted him not to spend all his time sitting in front of the computer, playing computer games until 2 in the morning and not sleep because he has to rush his project? would that make me bad??. he just yelled at me because i needed to type a report to be passed the following day.. because i had to disrupt him from playing.. and, for the sake of everybody to know, i don't have a good relationship with my aunt ever since i was born.. we talk, but not that much.. i just can't pretend no more.. i've been trying to reach out but it always ends up that way..i just thought it would be better for us that way..though it never seemed right but i don't know.. i just can't get along.. aNd so, my brother and my aunt talks togetehr, laugh together, makes crazy talks together.. and i? i just sleep.. i cry.. and sleep..
it's just so damn painful not to belong and at the same time fail on things you thought you could succeed.. and to make it worse, you just have nobody as in NOBODY to tell it to because they are so damn busy with their own probLems.. i just can't open up to my mom and dad about all of these things because they have bigger problems than what i have right now.. i can't afford to see them suffering because of me.. just because i'm too young and immature to handle simple problems.. i don't want anybody to think i'm such a bratt i'm crying over these petty things..
i don't know how long i can handle these pain.. everytime i think of these i can't help but cry and pity myself for having such fate.. im trying as much as i could not to think about it because the more i think about all these things, the more i feel alone and lonely.. when i'm out, i laugh as hard and as much as i can.. that's why everybody thought im fine with no worries nor troubles at all.. they thought i'm just this jolly, outgoing girl who has all the time in the world enjoying things not thinking much about life and what it brings to humankind.. that's why they never bothered to ask me what the hell is happening into my life.. they thought i'm strong enough i could handle it all.. but they never knew, from that moment when we have to go on our ways back home, i'm starting to cry already.. (TT)
