get a life!

i want to live!.. i want to enjoy life.. i can't live the way i've been living lately.. i don't want to face the world and bow down at every person i meet.. hey! i'm a nurse for God sake!.. i should also be respected.. i want to face the world.. enjoy it.. live with it.. i don't want to stay where i've always stayed and wait for death to rescue me.. i have to face what the world has prepared for me.. i need to conquer it!.. and i will!

the wedding..

a lot of things happened today and i'm quite overwhelmed on what i should blog right now.. realizations and thoughts just came popping out anytime and anywhere.. whether it be the on wedding, the accident or just as rest my head on the window of the car, i ponder on how life could change in an instant..

20, 15, 10, 1, or half a year ago, our relationship was a little bit boring. just plain stable when its unstable. we used to play games, quarrel about it then ends up playing the same game again.. when little girls need to have a buddy in order to play bahay-bahayan more realistically, you were my buddy.. when girls needed to have a buddy to tell something about their crushes on and kilig encounters, you were that buddy to me..

you were my buddy when we talk about our parents, what we like and we don't like about them. and how a monster transforms when they scold us.. you were my buddy when we started talking about our first real crush, first love. YOU, talking about your first kiss and.. your first encounter.. haha.. remember how we used to hate our girl neighbors? janet and emy? and the fact that we never even tried to befriend them even if they actually did nothing wrong to any of us.. how we used to dream about the future? about our prince charming? The life we dream of having..

we were not inseperable, but were actually there for each other.. see the irony? and i only began realizing this just now? we weren't sisters, but we are.. it wasn't a must to take care of each other, but we did..

never did i thought i would be writing this sort of thing to you.. coz i was used to having you just there.. JUST THERE.. just there when i need you.. just there when i don't.. just there when i want to talk? just there when i want to be alone..

maybe, some family issues tore us apart. but even i, doesn't have any idea why i always come running back to you in the end.. when i wanted to choose the ones close to me and my family, breaking the bond between us, i still found myself retreating and ends up healing that bond..

i cant name all the worst and happy memories i had with you.. all i know is that you, after all that happened, the heartaches, the issues, you were my first bestfriend..

now, tears suddenly fall from my eyes remembering the things and memories we once used to share.. the times when i felt okay even if i wasn't because you were there.. the times when you would rather stay at my place even if your mom/dad wants you to stay at your home.. when i was confined at the hospital, and you were sleeping beside me and was mistaken to be the patient.. how you always scold me when you see me drinking soda.. and even now, as is see you sitting there with the man you have married, and i carry towards you your wedding gifts, you still manage to make scolding-face at me for having a plastic bag of soda on my other hand..

honestly, when i heard the mayor saying "i now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. BLANK".. i got the chills, i got the fear, i got scared, i got lonesome, i felt alone.. because you, being Mrs. BLANK, means that you need to have your family as your priority.. that even if i wanted to chat with you and bond with you, there would be times when i should't and i couldn't anymore.. it means, you will not always be Just There.. just there when i need you.. like the old times.. it means, i have to grow up and fix myself.. look after myself , even if i couldn't, i should.. coz i can't drag you in it anymore.. someone else's owns my first bestfriend.. but i love you, so i decided to be happy for you.. because now, you have found a reason to live.. i should live on in as much as you do.. you're a sister to me more than a cousin,, even sisters don't own each other..

i still have too many things to say, but i can't go on.. for now.. i'm getting too emotional.. someday i'll find time to finish this letter..

what god wants me to know..

You may think you have challenges, but you have so many blessings. Sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. Once you focus on the gifts instead of the problems, your whole perspective will change and you will see blessings everywhere.

this is an article in the newspaper which has been re-posted by someone i know.. it strikes me this much for its what i'm feeling and been praying exactly for the past few months..
Dear You,

I will admit that sometimes I really do wonder if you exist.

There is a part of every little girl’s heart that envisions her prince charming. At age three, it is usually of a man who can save her from the wrath of an evil stepmother, wake her from eternal slumber or give her that true love’s kiss.

In elementary school, he becomes the boy with the least cooties, the one who’s willing to cross the playground to share his Oreos even if it makes him a target for the week of all the other boys.

Come high school, it’s that boy you stand with at prom, who your father stared down at the door, who provided you with an experience complete with photos you will cringe at a decade later, a corsage that yellows in the refrigerator, and a faded memory of a night that seemed almost too magical to be real.

Nineteen years into this life, however, and still unwilling to give my heart away, I am still that same little girl who hopes for her prince charming. And although I wonder why it has taken you this long to sweep me off my feet and whisk me off to your palace on horseback, I know that it is probably because meeting you will be better than any fairytale I could’ve read as a kid.

A couple of heartbreaks and a few years wiser though, I will admit that there are times when I question your existence. Because I have yet to meet the guy who makes me hear songs like “All My Life” or “A Whole New World” in my head when I see him does not mean I don’t hope that it’ll ever happen.

I may already know you or may still meet you someday—something I leave completely up to God because I’m pretty sure our story will be epic.

However, I can’t promise you that I’d make the world’s most perfect princess. In fact I’ll probably keep you on your toes and amuse you with my eccentricities—there are a lot of them. I’ll probably steal a bunch of your T-shirts and turn them into shirt dresses, or drive you slightly mad with my obsessive compulsivity and my need to fix your collar constantly.

I can promise to be your best friend however—that person you can rant to after a rough day, the hand you can hold when you get sad, or the person you can text when situations get awkward.

I’ll probably mess up your hair sometimes and hug you for too long, but that’ll only be because I absolutely adore you. I’ll bury my head in your shoulder during scary movies and make you feel like superman when you kill those flying cockroaches that really shouldn’t exist. I’ll cook your favorite food on your birthday and try my best to make friends with your mom.

I’ll respect your nights-out with the boys and make you seem like the perfect guy to my barkada. I’ll watch basketball or soccer games with you, and not complain when you cheer too loudly at the TVset.

I’ll know the difference between giving you space and being constantly there for you—even if it means sitting and playing video games with you or taking hot chocolate runs when it rains.

I’ll listen to your music and we’ll go on epic adventures together—seeing the world, taking awesome pictures, eating awesome food, and never running out of things to tell each other along the way.

I won’t be waiting for you to sweep me off my feet and take me on a magic carpet ride, because I know I won’t need anything like that to fall for you—I will love you for you.

You will be that someone to make goofy faces with in pictures, to lace fingers with when I’m lonely, and to take long walks under the stars with on the beach.

You’ll be the guy who takes me the way I am—and will laugh as I burst into Disney song or pick out pink wallpaper.

You’ll be that someone I envision a future with—us filling out visa forms as we travel the universe, picking out our first dog together and arguing about what to name it, or being snap-happy stage parents in our preschooler’s annual mini-plays. And I keep hoping that maybe someday when we find each other, you will become that someone whose smile I wake up to in the morning and the last one I speak to every night.

So to the man I know does exist, and who will help me maybe make sense of the world someday, this man I can’t wait to love. Please know that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. But for now, I wait. Fingers crossed and palms held together, I hope that you’re out there somewhere, waiting for me, too.

With the hope I will be yours for always,

Me