after 3 years...

i've known your name for 4 years now..3 years had passed.. life has changed for good. i know i can't go back coz i knew i was willing to move on.. i did.. i did try. i found new friends, new likes and dislikes, new ambitions, new love interests, new crushes, new acquaintances, new me.. or so i thought. through the years, i honestly felt like i was over you. and up to now i would want to think that i really am.. i wish i am.. i don't wanna mess up your life anymore. i don't wanna jump in after throwing you off. i don't wanna confuse you with your almost perfect life.. the kind of life i know you were so ambitious about.. Or, is it just that really? or am i just making excuses coz i couldn't admit that i'm scared? i'm scared of facing you off. i'm scared, still for all these years damn it, that i may get caught.!

i thought leaving you without saying any word would make me feel better.. i thought it would be easier to just creep out of your life and pretend that nothing happened.. to the point when we could pretend that we don't know each other anymore.. after 2nd year college, we've never seen each other the way we did on that year. 2nd year, i could easily erase it on my memory the way i easily forget someone else's name in a few minutes.. the way i forgot how the year went for me when i was 14 or 15.. the way i forgot most of the year's events in grade school. but i couldn't forget 2nd year college, just maybe because you were there.. the moments when i thought i lost my friends, someone lost like me appeared and i've found my way.. it was you.. you were the first person who made me feel that i'm stupid, i could be stupid and it's okay to be stupid.. you're that very first person who made me feel that a stranger could trust me with his simple secrets and childish pains.. you were that person who showed me that even the strongest person can be insecure, hurt and disappointed.. that a cool front act is just a front act.. i couldn't name all those things i felt i learned from you coz some were learned consciously while some, you taught me subconsciously.. most importantly, i would not forget that you were that person who for reasons i still couldn't figure out made me feel happy in a totally different way and intensity.. when i could wake up in the morning feeling not hazy at all. and going to school was almost like a task i was glad of doing and looking forward to every night before i go to sleep.. as if living would always turn out to be easy!.

BUT, sh*t happened! and i was the one who threw the first punch! now i regret it. for the longest time, i admit i regret it.. i was hurt coz i felt like time was travelling past us and we're still standing at the same line. i was anxious. i was thinking what would happen if we won't see each other often anymore. i was scared..or maybe you don't really like me that much so you couldn't take the next step.. maybe, i was just taking your gestures personally.. and that maybe i was just plain stupid for leading myself on.. so after a year of knowing each other very well, with secrets only the two of us shared, i decided to backed off.. and i know it was sudden for you.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry if i treated you just that way. I was thinking, maybe i just wanted to know if i mean anything to you.. and see if you'd care to chase after me. i don't know, maybe you tried.. i but i never had the chance to prove you did.. i thought maybe forgetting you and what i thought we had would be better.. so the next day, it’s as if i don't know you anymore. and for a while, it felt good. before i knew it, you've treated me the same.. and we became strangers.. 3 years had passed, and we're still strangers. i wonder if i ever crossed your mind all these years?. just before closing your eyes to sleep, weren't there a time when you'd think of me and how things went by for us? have you ever thought of us being friends again? it may have been less than a year, and though things never get the way i wish it could have been but i knew the friendship we had was something real and the closeness we had wasn't superficial.. someday, maybe, you'll gonna read this.. or maybe you won't. that would depend on me having the guts to face you and accept that i was wrong and stupid.. in any case, i still hope someday you would.

i wonder how would you react if you knew all of this? i remember what you're reaction was when everyone were teasing us and threatened us that we might actually end up together. you said “someone is occupying my heart already.” and i was crushed. coz i knew however informal the setting is, and no matter how we always make fun of things and people around us.. no matter how you made the situation funny and made it look like you were just fooling around. i knew from the bottom of my heart that that statement was half-meant.. and i was crushed.. if i remember right, that was the final straw for me giving you up. and it still hurts me now. coz i did give you up..

maybe i could have got you. maybe you could have been with me.. maybe i could have known how to be happier and have been more secured with you.. i know that you're girlfriend now wasn't really your first choice but seeing how you've made it so far now, i'm getting jealous whenever i think about her and you. you're on your 3rd year of your relationship now.. it could have been me.. but i wasn't.

when i see you now on your facebook telling 'i love you' to your girlfriend and telling her how much you miss her makes my heart ache. seeing how you've grown up but still having that aura i've always liked about you, it makes my heart ache. thinking of the past, how well and how bad you treated me makes me smile and makes my heart ache.. seeing you achieving your ambitious dreams, reaching the life you've wanted without me makes my heart ache the most.. coz i realize, maybe it was actually the best decision to drop it off in order for you to have all these things with you.. in order for you to be happier. just like now.. :'(

a month after

a month had passed and things remained to be vague. at some point i still see things in a blur like that when you wake up in the morning and you spend time blinking rapidly as if reorienting yourself to your own room.. to what a blanket and pillows look like. re-memorizing your wall color. remembering what you're name is, the date and what you have to do for the day.. as for me, i'm on the phase of blinking rapidly.. and yes, lately I've been reorienting myself every morning to the room i always find myself waking up.. things aren't crystal clear yet though i know it has to be.. in time.. 5 weeks has passed and i'm still adjusting.. though still a bit lost but it's quite tolerable.. it has to be manageable in 5 weeks coz another 6 weeks to go and i would again wander.. i don't have any plan yet after the training. though i'm pretty much confident i'm one of the best trainees here. and i could outperform most trainees, i'm not pretty sure if my human resources could back me up to be hired at this institution..

i've met a nurse here and from the way he carries himself i can easily smell the scent of intelligence overflowing.. and i wasn't wrong coz i found out later on that he was the top notcher on his batch during his training.. i felt a pinch of losing hope when he told us "it's not what you know that gets you in the institution, it's whom you know." Apparently, his co-project nurse (project nurse: employed as part of a program but not an employee of the institution) told me that Ivan weren't hired immediately but was rather passed to a program as a project nurse because 'there are no vacant position.' i was totally wrecked when i learned that my co trainee's brother used to be one of Ivan's batch mate and was ranked 25 but had been hired immediately and stayed in the institution for 4 years before leaving for Canada.. to make this unfair story short, Ivan do not have some human resources that could back him up to be employed in the institution and thus waited a lifetime until the fully-backed up rank 25 leaves the country before he could finally get in.! not to mention rank 10 and rank 15 landed on the job faster than him.. i don't get it!!! or maybe, yes i get it, it's called injustice and inequality.. and i'm hurt!

although i know someone here and she's the one pursuing me to come over and try my luck in the institution, upon learning all of these i couldn't help but get upset and question of whether i should still perform better..i feel heartbroken as i see my co-trainee being complacent because she's acquainted with the head of surgery dept.. (deeep sigh!)

i have to be optimistic.. maybe these are all part of the plan.. maybe, i have to know these truths not to be hurt and surrender but to be aware and perform better.. in this cruel world, i have the greatest back up master and that is HIM.. i trust him too much to let him carry on what's good for me.. Keep the faith!

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Feel God's light shining within you and take a step to inspire someone else to shine. As you share this vision today with just one soul, that reaches ten lives that touch a thousand.