When suddenly, your bestfriend is no longer the best friend..

dated 3/15/13


WANTED: FRIENDS!

Seriously, where are they? What do I have left? whom do i have left?

I felt this the last time I saw her and since then it bothers me more than ever. I’ve never felt insecure over her other friends before for I knew I would always be the best friend. Along the way, I didn’t know what happened. Things seemed to be different. One, or maybe both of us changed and so is the friendship.  I didn’t know it was coming because I was busy with my own pain. The year went tough for me, maybe it was too for her, I didn’t know. I didn’t ask. I didn’t check. I pushed people away. I thought the ones who love me enough could wait and would stay. And yes, some held on, waited till I come back to life. While most of them pulled back and left. Sadly, she was one of them. She grew tired of me. Finally. And there goes our friendship for 10 years.

She found her new friends. Friends maybe who stayed with her when she needed a friend most too. Friends who understood her when I couldn’t be a friend to anyone else. Friends who held her hand when I’m busy mending my own self. Friends who didn’t leave her for some selfish reasons. Friends who aren’t like me.

I don’t wanna lose hope. Till now I still want to believe that were still are the best friends. That I am still her bestfriend coz she still is to me. I still want to think that maybe our friendship just got lost somewhere. That maybe it just withered and a little irrigation could save it.

I don’t know. Maybe I should just be happy for her and move forward too. It’s really hard now. It seems like my friend list had been reformatted. Everyone falls down at some point. Everyone has their own problem. We never expected each of us to be always there. That’s the reason why the friendship lasted. How can she replace me just like that? How can she be friends with everybody now except me? How can she blatantly claim other friends she just met to be someone who knows her very much.

I asked for renewed and improved life. But Lord, does that mean I can’t keep those that I already had?

Be Brave..

Deep down i know i have to blog so i could unload some weights that I'm having at the moment  but i just don't know where to start..

And yes, that's exactly the problem coz i don't know how to begin anymore. It feels like I'm back to to this post but somehow i feel even worse. Now i have a clearer picture of my dream, the motive, and the ambition but now I'm more scared that i might fall back even harder.

I know i shouldn't be. Coz whatever happens, two things are bound to happen, either you move forward or you learn a lesson. Both a good thing. I always remind myself of this everyday, along with other encouragements like be brave, just take the first step, etc. etc. but along the way my afraid-self kicks in and eventually wins. Im aware that this won't get me anywhere but i just couldn't help it. It's easier said than done. And its giving me a real hard time.

No i definitely won't surrender but i can't take the first step either. What am i supposed to do? Do i need more time? For what? Am i not wasting so much time yet?

I've missed some good opportunities and most of all friends coz i've given myself so much 'time'. That maybe the reason why i got sick  was because i'm moving too fast. That maybe i have to take things slow so i could enjoy the ride.

Then suddenly a realization struck me. You see i have this habit of putting a deadline to whatever i do. To listing down the things i need to do down to every detail. Of course it helps especially to someone like me who easily forgets things. Evidences..

 

But now, maybe i don't really need this. I have my own lifestory. I shouldn't compare the achievements of others to mine coz i will have my own. Maybe my career, my love just took a right turn on some streets and would be here soon.

Yes, i'll take it slow. Maybe the reason why I'm stressing out is because I pressure myself too much. And now, i won't anymore.. I'll take it one step at a time..

2012

at some point last year i swore to dedicate a post every first month to summarize the things i've done on the previous year. so this post shouldve been done a month ago. geez, procastinations!.

So what i did on 2012 were:

Bumming

Pig-eating

and Sleeping


yeah, that' basically what i did! what a dysfunctional human being, right?


kidding aside, there's so much things that happened the last year. most of it happened deep within me. Literally and figuratively.. =) i stayed in my home-hometown for the year but i learned a lot of things while living here:

in here, i've learned to be more conscious of my health and of others.

in here, i learned that family are supposed to take care of each other.

i learned how to take responsibility of my family and of the ones i love.

i learned that there are issues in every family.

i learned that there are things in life that cannot be controlled no matter how hard you fight against it.

i learned how to wait for my turn.

i learned how to pray hard for life.

i learned how to surrender my own battle.

i learned that i have to strive hard to get the things that i dream about.

i learned that i lived a fairly good and fairly luxurious life and that there are also some people who wished to have the things that i always had.

i learned to forgive and forget.

i learned that everyone commits mistakes and that everyone deserve second chances.

i learned that everyone fails, including me.

i learned to be more contented.

i learned to dream more.

i learned to take a closer look on the needs of other people.

i learned to appreciate and accept the lackings of life.

i learned how to laugh hard and loud.

i learned that it's fine if you sneeze and burp loudly. *i kinda enjoyed this one

i learned that farts could stink, whoever they came from. : p

i learned that kids can only reward you with one thing: pure love.

i learned that not all people are nice but they all have reasons.

i learned that politics are everywhere.

i learned that people will always have something to say about you.

i learned that not every people you meet will care for you.

i learned that people can change even if she's you're bestfriend.

i learned not to prejudge potential friends.

i learned that there are several mountains higher than me in this world.

i learned how to respect more the working class.

i learned that ipads, iphones, BMW's are of no help when you're dying.

i learned that a little help could mean a world to the person you're helping with.

i learned that a little smile could lift someone's spirit up.

i learned that real happiness is a choice.