i don't wanna fall for someone who happens to be my fRienD., i mEAn, he isn't just a friEnd to me, fROm day 1 i looked up to him as a bRothEr.. except frOm the fact that he has some resemblance with my brothEr, his gestures was all like him.. thAt couLd bE the rEason why i bEcame so cLose thAt i opEn up mostLy everythinG to him.. noW, i don't know what is happeninG coz it feeLs like i'm driftinG awAy frOm him.. maybe because there's nobody eLse around that's why i'm kinDa afraid that i myt faLL.. i don't wanna love him.. i do, i mean as a frienD, like the way a sister loves her brother.. the way a sister cares for a brother.. but other than that, i don't want to consider anything eLSe.. that's just the way it is.. and i don't want to go neaR the border to risk somethinG.. come on, falling for him would be like an incest..

maybe, i'm just a bit jealous because he has found her girL.. OMG, thAt mEans, i'm a possessive sister?! ahaha.. well yeah maybe.. because he has found his, and i haven't found mine.. that makes me feel like i'm left behind.. and it makes me sad..

what if, everybody else has found the love of their lives? i would be left.. alone.. diba? yes, i can manage somehow, i have some friends still.. but at the end of the day, i would be still be going home alone.. sleeping with nobody to tell goodnight to.. gosh, i'm starting to hate this.. why does everybody seemed to have their love life, some even have love lives, making empahasis on the plural form of it, ad its so pity of me that i don't even have any..

i'm beginning to fail on thinGs.. love.. (hell yeah, been failing the whole time).. friends ( like my old barkada starts to disintegrate already).. studiEs (the one thinG i thouGht i wouLd always be best at).. daughter (i think i'm beginning to).. sister(one thinG i'm most afraid to fail at).. dream of becoming a doctor (i still want it, but i'm not xur if i have to continue dreaminG for it..) OMG! thinking of all these, it makes me sick!..

i want to concentrate! i want to focus.! but it seems i can't!.. how can i motivate myself?? when my drEam seems to turn its back on me..

thinGs definiteLy had chAngEd..

now i can see him through the eyes without worryinG that i may get caught., i did like him too much,. and now, i don't know.. all i know is that he remains to be special to me and i don't have any hard feelinGs towards us enDing up as fRiends and sometimes just mere acquaintances.. i'm happy for him if ever he's happy.. i'm happy for knowinG him, and definitely i had the greatest time bonding with him.. sometimes, when i see him we taLk the way we used to and by the moment he walks away, i draw a smile on my face thinking how i was able to move on and be happy on the thinGs that had happened.. i knw from the bottom of our hearts, we may not be the best friends ever but we know we've been real fRiends at somE point..

right now, i'm still searching for that one perSOn.. that person i can count on.. the one whom i can tell all my stories with.. all my aspirations, my failures and worries.. my sentiments.. why can't finD him? why can't he finD me? im not demanding for a heart poppinG love stoRy, i just want a true fRiend, someone who wouLd stAy with mE and Listen to me without worryinG that he may be Late for his date with her girlfriend.. you know what i mean.. without me worrying that someone may get angry with me nor with him.. am i waiting for too lonG?? i'm losinG my patiEnce and i'm losing my faith..