2015

Draft dated jan 21, 2015

Happy new year to me and to you if theres ever somebody reading this post of mine.

And so, yes my new year flashback practice continues. When id think about it at fist, i kinda thought of an empty canvas coz honestly i did just one thing this year. Work. So basically there goes my whole 2014. Summarized in just one word.

January passed with no to few memories. I got to watch fireworks from a small window of my cousin's room and there i wished things would get better. Greeted and kissed my dad a happy new year and slept. Probably one of the worst new year celebration i had.

Love month came by just the same february i got to know through the years. Except that this time ive worried a little bit more of the fact that i still had no one beside me whom i could spend couples day with. And oh, someone did ask but i was shocked and i was scared to say yes so... yes, it blew him off just too soon. End. Of. The. Story. I guess, i wont ever date my entire life.

March was my birthmonth and my tito and tita had a vacation here after 3 years. So i was able to catch up to some of their whereabouts. We went on for a dinner and i overheard them planning for some surprise birthday carols for me. So when carolers appeared behind my seat singing a birthday song, i was half surprised but i pretended to be shocked so i couldnt spoil and dissapoint a moment.

April and May were work months. I got to meet my new headnurse to whom helped me gained my confidence back at work. I got to work hard coz i knew someone believes that im doin my best at work. I lost weight coz i was givin my all. Which led to..

June where i was placed under knife for the second time. My appendix was also taken off my body. Guess it takes another organ to be removed so i could go back to life. I hope.

July, August, September, October were all work days for me. Only by september i was rotated to another area which was more peaceful, less workload, more rest for me. Probably a reward for working so hard on previous duty months. Few days however before i leave and i found myself weeping. Sepanx maybe. Right then i knew ive been separated from the best headnurse im ever gonna meet in my lcp days.

November and December, finally i was able to go back to my roots. I went home for my moms birthday and for the xmas holidays. I was reminded of who i was and the people who would always be there no matter what. I was happy.

Few years back and i only wished of one thing. To pack my bags and leave home. I never thought of what i want or what i will do. I thought i juat needed to get out and everything would follow. Probably one kof the many irrational decision young ones make.

So there goes my 2014. I pray and hope for a happy and healthy 2015.

keep the faith

i checked into my facebook account and i'm reminded of the things that i've thrown away. of the things i should have been grateful for.

that once, i had everything that i wish i still have today. guess, you'll really never know what you're bound to lose.

along with these, i've realized there's no point in regretting over and over again. maybe it pays to settle down a bit and watch things unfold and maybe just maybe, things will fall into place.

there's still a lot of things to be grateful for and a lot more to look forward to. maybe as you grow older, the meaning of happiness changes. it becomes simpler yet harder to attain.

so don't worry now my dear self. things only gets better. this too shall pass and one day, you'll know why. 

Cheers to misery!

here's to working myself out to be able to climb this far.. to forgetting the ones i had so i could reach the top. working in a prestigious institution gives you pride, the angst and confidence. but it doesn't give you that happiness..

makes me wonder even more, am i at the right track? why is there not much of a difference from where i was before?

to making decisions

i did love him.

today, i smile bitterly of the past. of course, saying it could have been better is an understatement. i can only say it would be different. different from what it is now, if only i had been more brave. 

im usually one who believes that regrets are pointless because there's always a reason why everything happens. whatever or however painful they are. but times like this pass by and im left wondering what could have been if only i was bolder and more decisive. i wonder if life could have been better. or if i may have been wrong maybe i could have known how it feels like to be one.

if i can only be dead in the end, i should have at least known how to live.

cheers now to you, for seemingly to be genuinely happy. for pursuing the dreams i once doubted you'll ever gonna reach. for all the right things coming your way. and for that life i may never get the chance to be a part of anymore.

i hope and pray you'll stay that way. happy. and constantly wearing that bright confident smile of yours. i'll lead myself on too. so that maybe someday, you'll be happy as well that i was able to make it happen too.

maybe things was never meant to be. and we weren't.

Valentine

i guess, i'm a high maintenance girl. or maybe just a person with overflowing pride. maybe i'm picky or perfect-driven. maybe i'm hard to please or just plain confusing or boring. 

it's valentines day today, and i find myself blogging. it shouldn't be much of a big deal coz its been like this for nearly 24 years. but i'm left wondering how happy must it feel like for a lot of people are throwing themselves out for it.

how can i be worthy of such? for that man who'll wrap off his coat on you when your cold. or that man who'll sneak out a phone call from a meeting to check out if you have eaten. that man who'll hold your hand when you're sick. or that man who'll drive you home even if you live in opposite end of the boulevard. that man who'll say yes even if you blurted out a no, coz he knows you actually mean yes but was so shy to say so. that man who'll stare at you and smiles for reasons you both don't know. that man who'll be willing to jump into a fight when he sees you're helplessly in trouble. that man who'll make you laugh even on those day that you don't even want to smile. or that man who'll cross oceans for a kiss. 

when can i be worthy of it? when can i be worthy of that man who knows what he wants and sticks into it. for that man who never wavers.

maybe i'll wait for him for tomorrow. or maybe forever. maybe he's just somewhere down the street. or maybe he doesn't even exists.

today is a valentines day. and honestly speaking, my heart's a little broken today..

have a happy valentine's day everyone!

that was last year

its January. its the first month of the year. its that time of the year when you wanted to make things right. when you wanted to start a new life. when you are supposed to be grateful and hopeful so you can be like it for the rest of the year.

and yes, i am. for the most part. but i feel not the same today. blame it to the bed weather, i feel kinda laid back today.

anyways. i'm supposed to be talking about the things that happened last year. it's kinda ironic now. maybe i should have done this last December, not today. it ruins the hopeful vibe you know.

So here it goes..

2013 was a tough year for me for i spent most of it searching for things that I've lost and wanting to regain all of it back. in the end, i gave everything up, including myself.

it was last year that i realized the burden and responsibility of now being an adult.

it was last year when i had printed an impossible copies of my resumes only to get accepted by a few.

it was last year when i have literally traveled and walked on for miles to search for a job.

it was last year when i cried myself out of jealousy and frustration.

it was last year when i begged for friends not to leave.

it was last year when i cried a lot, forced a smile and forgot how to laugh.

it was last year when i was a mere pain in the butt to the family.

it was last year when i met and dealt with lots of people but made friends to only a few.

it was last year when i spoke the least words.

it was last year that i learned i have some sickness developing.

it was last year when i have shut a lot of doors.

and it was last year when i realized that i have lost my old self and it's too damn hurtful that i couldn't bring her back anymore.

BUT

it was last year when i got in from the job that i had waited for years.

it was last year when i found that one friend who never left.

it was last year that i learned that in order to reach the end, you have to start from the beginning.

it was last year when i learned how to settle and be contented with the things that i have on hand.

it was last year when i learned how to say no and stand by it.

it was last year when i never waver from prioritizing my family first.

it was last year that i learned that nothing lasts forever.

things are still bumpy today.

now that i'm a newbie in most fields. i still have a long way and a whole lot of things to learn. but being able to feed my own stomach is already a progress.

though some of the doors that i have shut down hasn't been opened yet. maybe they will in time. when things aren't too painful to even think about anymore.

things are starting to unfold now. and maybe next time i write this sort of thing on my blog, i'll have my answers to my why's last year.

so 2014. please be nice to me and my family. Goodluck!

liking

i think i'm liking someone.. is it even real?

i often ask God to let me have someone whom i will love and who'll love me. i usually ask Him to let me meet that person. but since that day, i began to ask Him a different favor. why do i think of him more? why do i ask God for him? why did I beg my now resting in peace grandparent's blessings to help me ask God so i can be with him? why do i wish it's him i've been waiting for?

is it even real?

and why does my heart skips a beat and aches when i see his photos from the networking site? i'm thinking a lot about him more than i should. i'm wondering how he feels. And though i know he's busy minding about her girlfriend, i couldn't help but hope that maybe a day will come.

maybe i can't be that girl he'll ever like. or maybe he's thinking i'm not the girl he'll ever get. and it's a little sad coz if he only knew. i don't really care about whom to please now. i don't really care about what people might say now. i only wish to be happy. just say you the word and for sure things will be different.