4/30/08
wArninG: whAt I'm sayinG now iS whAt i'm fEeLin riGht at thiS momEnt..
i waNt to givE up.. ayoko nA, maxado nA aKonG nasa2kTan sA mgA ginAwgAwa niyA... hE's mAkinG fun oF mE, so muCh aNd it'S huRtinG mE biGtimE..
hE cAn't evEn rEspeCt mE, hoW couLd he LovE mE thEn?? suCh An iDioT,. i'vE mAde seVerAl artiCLes abouT him.. suCh a wAstE of timE, i couLd hAve reviewEd mY hAndouTs anD impRovEd my gRadEs fOr thE Last 2 semEsters.. buT stupiD mE, i wAstEd my timE imAgininG, dAydrEaminG abouT him.! hopinG, wAitinG!..
i tRiEd chANginG.. if hE onLy knEW who i Was bEfoRE hE mEt me.. hE couLd hAve cuRsed mE to deATh.. whAt thE hEck!
iF you peOpLe onLy knEW whAt iT feELs LikE to finALLy hAve thE stRength to chAnge anD frEe youRseLf fRom sAdnEss.. iT feELs gReAt!.. iT feELs so aLivE.. iT feeLs so LighT!.. thEn a stRangER waLks inTo youR LiFe anD mAkes you fALL in Love foR him.. mAke you beLieve thAt you couLd actuALLy bE LovED!.. beForE you knEw it, hE's puShinG you bAck to whEre you wEre bEfoRe,.. aNd i don'T wAnna go bAck!.. i don'T wannA go bACk!., buT oftEntimEs, i wouLd finD mySELf actinG thE way i wAs bAck thEn.. i'd finD mySeLf in thE pLAce whEre i'vE beeN foR suCh a LonG timE.. i'd finD mySeLf wanTinG so muCh moRE.. i'd finD mySeLf so inSecuRe of othER peopLe.. i'd finD mySeLf so pessimiStic.. i finD mySeLf so LonELy.. i'D finD mysELf crYinG!.. i'd finD my oLd seLf.. why cAn't i go aWay!.??
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
anooo baaa???
ano bA kASi Ang sa2bihin mo?? bakEt anGHdami-dami monG paSakALye..? bAket d mo mAsabi... sabi mo mAy guSto kAng sabihin dibA?.., mAy guSto kAng sabihin nA noon mo pa binabALak sabihin sa akEn.. why? do you feeL it ALreAdy.? cAn you feEL na guSto kita? haVe you noticED aLreAdy?..
i jusT cAn't gEt it!.. i'vE knoWn you to bE somEboDy who aLwayS crAckS jokEs.. any timE oF thE day!.. whEn you stArtinG to gEt seriouS, i aLwayS preSumE thAt you'rE stiLL jokInG.. especiaLLy whEn iT comEs to mE., Lagi mo AKonG tinutukSo nA mAy guSto ako sA'yo.. yEs! you'Re too dAmn Right!! mEron ngA.. anD i decidEd to keeP it to mYseLf beCauSe of sevRaL reAsonS..
1. beCauSe i'm afrAid oF commitmEnt.
2. i'm afrAiD thAt you don'T feeL thE saMe
4. beCausE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!
5. beCause you LikE oR you're still inLovE with you'Re beStfrieNd despiTe of you hAvinG your giRLfriEnd
6. becAuse you aLways mAkE fun oF me.! daMn it! you aLways teAse mE that i'm inLovE with you anD iTs too damn fRustraTinG coZ it'S tRue!! i do.! buT you'RE maKinG fun of iT..! anD i juSt pity mySeLf foR thaT..
7. becAuse i feEL LikE your'E noT inTereStED..
anD noW, i've gathERed moRe reAsonS why i shouLd keeP it as a secRet..
1. beCauSe i don'T knoW iF i shALL beLieve you.. you teLL mE you wAntEd to SAy somEthinG to me.. you started to gEt seriouS anD thEn you Say i lovE you to me.. after aLL thoSe fooLishneSs, you thinK i wOuLd beLievE you juSt LikE thAt??
2. becAuse i thinK you'Re pLayinG saFe.. you'Re sayinG io LoVE you to me whEn in fAct you hAve a GIRLFRIEND.. whAt thE hECk wAs thAt.?? you wAntED to be sAfe?? okAy FinE, eithEr wAy, you win.. muSt i appLauDe you foR thAt??
3. i don'T thinK tou mEan iT whEn you saY i lovE you.. you reALLy don't.. why?? bEcauSe you Say i Love you even if you'Re noT.. right? you don'T reaLLy Love youR giRLfriEnd, do you??
So why shouLd i bELieve you noW? okAy, noT unLess you'll bReak up with your giRLfriEnd now!! as in noW.! see, you don'T... you won'T... why?? beCauSe you'Re afrAid daRLinG.! afrAid to bE Left aLonE.. afrAid to bE rejEctEd.! aNd so am i..
i jusT cAn't gEt it!.. i'vE knoWn you to bE somEboDy who aLwayS crAckS jokEs.. any timE oF thE day!.. whEn you stArtinG to gEt seriouS, i aLwayS preSumE thAt you'rE stiLL jokInG.. especiaLLy whEn iT comEs to mE., Lagi mo AKonG tinutukSo nA mAy guSto ako sA'yo.. yEs! you'Re too dAmn Right!! mEron ngA.. anD i decidEd to keeP it to mYseLf beCauSe of sevRaL reAsonS..
1. beCauSe i'm afrAid oF commitmEnt.
2. i'm afrAiD thAt you don'T feeL thE saMe
4. beCausE YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!
5. beCause you LikE oR you're still inLovE with you'Re beStfrieNd despiTe of you hAvinG your giRLfriEnd
6. becAuse you aLways mAkE fun oF me.! daMn it! you aLways teAse mE that i'm inLovE with you anD iTs too damn fRustraTinG coZ it'S tRue!! i do.! buT you'RE maKinG fun of iT..! anD i juSt pity mySeLf foR thaT..
7. becAuse i feEL LikE your'E noT inTereStED..
anD noW, i've gathERed moRe reAsonS why i shouLd keeP it as a secRet..
1. beCauSe i don'T knoW iF i shALL beLieve you.. you teLL mE you wAntEd to SAy somEthinG to me.. you started to gEt seriouS anD thEn you Say i lovE you to me.. after aLL thoSe fooLishneSs, you thinK i wOuLd beLievE you juSt LikE thAt??
2. becAuse i thinK you'Re pLayinG saFe.. you'Re sayinG io LoVE you to me whEn in fAct you hAve a GIRLFRIEND.. whAt thE hECk wAs thAt.?? you wAntED to be sAfe?? okAy FinE, eithEr wAy, you win.. muSt i appLauDe you foR thAt??
3. i don'T thinK tou mEan iT whEn you saY i lovE you.. you reALLy don't.. why?? bEcauSe you Say i Love you even if you'Re noT.. right? you don'T reaLLy Love youR giRLfriEnd, do you??
So why shouLd i bELieve you noW? okAy, noT unLess you'll bReak up with your giRLfriEnd now!! as in noW.! see, you don'T... you won'T... why?? beCauSe you'Re afrAid daRLinG.! afrAid to bE Left aLonE.. afrAid to bE rejEctEd.! aNd so am i..
Sunday, April 27, 2008
dAmn it!
hE'S too dAmn ewAn tLgA.! why thE hEck iS hE acTinG thAt wAy.??. why DoEs it fEeLs LikE hE wAnteD to sAy somEthinG to me.?? why iS hE LikE thAt.? i mEan, hE hAS hER giRLfriEnd foR GOd Sake, anD hE's sAyinG i Love you to me.. ???? whAt's hiS gaMe?? i cAnt compRehEnd..
why iS hE huRtinG me thiS wAy??
why iS hE huRtinG me thiS wAy??
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
hE's chANgED..
it's fRustratinG..
he onCe askEd mE a fAvoR if i couLd reSeaRch somEthinG foR him sinCe i hAve mY inTerNet conNeCtion aT homE.. oF couRsE i Can't saY no.. why wouLd i sAy no to a fAvoR? evEryboDy askS mE foR a faVor to sEArch somEthinG in thE nET, so whY wouLd i sAy no to him? OnLy to finD ouT juSt a whiLE ago thAt thE rEsEArch wAs foR thiS giRL whom hE hAd fALLen inLovE wiTh.. shE waS hiS bEstfriEnd in hiGh schoOL and hE feLL in LovE with hER., buT thE giRL rejEctEd him.. thAt rEsEarch wAS foR hER buT i wAs thE onE who did it., who am i?
although, hE hAs a giRLfriENd.. buT he conFirmEd juSt thiS aftERnoon thAt he stiLL LikEs thE giRL, his bestfriend,. hiS fiRst LovE.. ofcouRsE, thE feELing is stiLL thErE knoWing thAt hE's noT seriouS with hiS girLfriEnd., hE toLd mE thAt, i juSt don'T knoW if hE reALLy mEAnt it.,
buT hE's LikE my fiRst Love.. i think.. is hE? i'vE hAd seveRAL crushEs alReady buT thiS onE is so difFerEnt.. maybE beCausE he mAkeS me feEL LikE hE's intEreStED in mE, at timEs.. beCauSe at thE fiRst pLace thEre waS no afFection oR somEthinG whEn i fiRst sAw him.. hE waS a puRe stRangER anD i nEver intEndEd to be friEnds with him.. hE wAs juSt a cLassmAtE.. buT soOn enouGh, hE drEw cLosEr anD cLosEr to us.. to mE.. yEs, espEciALLy to mE.. i tRiEd so hArd to gEt mySeLF awAy fRom him.. i evEn tRieD haTing him anD saY neGativE thinGs abouT him juSt so i couLd givE mySeLf rEasOnS whY i shOuLd stAy awAy fRom him.. noW, mY beStfriEnds don'T LikE him beCausE of whAt i sAid 8 monthS ago.. i wAntEd to gEt aWay anD pRotEct mySeLf buT unFortunAtELy anD obviouSLy, i fAiLed,. i'm trAppEd.. hoW cAn hE do it? juSt whEn i deCidEd to acCept thAt i'm faLLinG foR him, hE droppEd mE..
hE hAd no fRienDs thEn, i wAs thE onE who intRoduCed him to evERyboDy.. i wAs his fiRst rEsoRt.. i wAs thE fiRst onE to unDerstAnd him.. i waS hiS fiRst friEnD.. anD i'vE faLLen foR him.. And i thouGht hE wAs too beCauSe we wErE cLosE anD hE waS so swEet.. hE oftEn teAsEs mE, hE givEs mE huGs oF whiCh i wAnt to conSidER as friEndLy huGs.. hE ofTen mAKEs eyE conTact.. hE mAkes fun oF mE moSt of thE timE anD stArts by stArinG at mE foR as LonG as i suRrEnDer to stArE at him bAck.. hE evEn conTinuEs staRinG at mE aftEr i suRrEndeR.. hE'S aLwaYs nEar mE., hE's aLwayS thERe.. oR was i just hALLucinAtinG oR somEthing?
noW everYthinG hAs chAngEd,. wAs it beCauSe i hAng ouT wiTh the pERsonS whOm hE doeSn't LikE.? thoSe pERsonS who happEnEd to bE my fRienDS foR yEars.? i cAn't stAy awAy wiTh my fRienDS.. i cAn't stAy aWay wiTh thEm juSt foR hiS compAny.. i mEan, hoW muCh assuRanCe do i hAve? i couLd stAy aWay.. of couRsE i cOULD, buT foR whAt? fOr whAt rEason? i don'T evEn knoW if hE LikEs mE oR noT.. hoW couLd i stAy? why shouLd i stAy? anD as timE pasSes by iT feELs LikE hE's founD somEbody as my repLacemEnt., i feEL LikE hE's hAppy witH hiS nEwfounD fRienDS.. althouGh we aRe stiLL fRienDs buT iT's noT LikE thAt anymoRE.. i don'T knoW,. noW hE hAs hiS fRienDS aLrEaDy anD iT fEeLS LikE hE doEsn't nEeD mE anymoRE.. so whY shouLd i stAy, whEn hE'S staRtinG to givE mE rEasonS whY i shouLd go aWay..
he onCe askEd mE a fAvoR if i couLd reSeaRch somEthinG foR him sinCe i hAve mY inTerNet conNeCtion aT homE.. oF couRsE i Can't saY no.. why wouLd i sAy no to a fAvoR? evEryboDy askS mE foR a faVor to sEArch somEthinG in thE nET, so whY wouLd i sAy no to him? OnLy to finD ouT juSt a whiLE ago thAt thE rEsEArch wAs foR thiS giRL whom hE hAd fALLen inLovE wiTh.. shE waS hiS bEstfriEnd in hiGh schoOL and hE feLL in LovE with hER., buT thE giRL rejEctEd him.. thAt rEsEarch wAS foR hER buT i wAs thE onE who did it., who am i?
although, hE hAs a giRLfriENd.. buT he conFirmEd juSt thiS aftERnoon thAt he stiLL LikEs thE giRL, his bestfriend,. hiS fiRst LovE.. ofcouRsE, thE feELing is stiLL thErE knoWing thAt hE's noT seriouS with hiS girLfriEnd., hE toLd mE thAt, i juSt don'T knoW if hE reALLy mEAnt it.,
buT hE's LikE my fiRst Love.. i think.. is hE? i'vE hAd seveRAL crushEs alReady buT thiS onE is so difFerEnt.. maybE beCausE he mAkeS me feEL LikE hE's intEreStED in mE, at timEs.. beCauSe at thE fiRst pLace thEre waS no afFection oR somEthinG whEn i fiRst sAw him.. hE waS a puRe stRangER anD i nEver intEndEd to be friEnds with him.. hE wAs juSt a cLassmAtE.. buT soOn enouGh, hE drEw cLosEr anD cLosEr to us.. to mE.. yEs, espEciALLy to mE.. i tRiEd so hArd to gEt mySeLF awAy fRom him.. i evEn tRieD haTing him anD saY neGativE thinGs abouT him juSt so i couLd givE mySeLf rEasOnS whY i shOuLd stAy awAy fRom him.. noW, mY beStfriEnds don'T LikE him beCausE of whAt i sAid 8 monthS ago.. i wAntEd to gEt aWay anD pRotEct mySeLf buT unFortunAtELy anD obviouSLy, i fAiLed,. i'm trAppEd.. hoW cAn hE do it? juSt whEn i deCidEd to acCept thAt i'm faLLinG foR him, hE droppEd mE..
hE hAd no fRienDs thEn, i wAs thE onE who intRoduCed him to evERyboDy.. i wAs his fiRst rEsoRt.. i wAs thE fiRst onE to unDerstAnd him.. i waS hiS fiRst friEnD.. anD i'vE faLLen foR him.. And i thouGht hE wAs too beCauSe we wErE cLosE anD hE waS so swEet.. hE oftEn teAsEs mE, hE givEs mE huGs oF whiCh i wAnt to conSidER as friEndLy huGs.. hE ofTen mAKEs eyE conTact.. hE mAkes fun oF mE moSt of thE timE anD stArts by stArinG at mE foR as LonG as i suRrEnDer to stArE at him bAck.. hE evEn conTinuEs staRinG at mE aftEr i suRrEndeR.. hE'S aLwaYs nEar mE., hE's aLwayS thERe.. oR was i just hALLucinAtinG oR somEthing?
noW everYthinG hAs chAngEd,. wAs it beCauSe i hAng ouT wiTh the pERsonS whOm hE doeSn't LikE.? thoSe pERsonS who happEnEd to bE my fRienDS foR yEars.? i cAn't stAy awAy wiTh my fRienDS.. i cAn't stAy aWay wiTh thEm juSt foR hiS compAny.. i mEan, hoW muCh assuRanCe do i hAve? i couLd stAy aWay.. of couRsE i cOULD, buT foR whAt? fOr whAt rEason? i don'T evEn knoW if hE LikEs mE oR noT.. hoW couLd i stAy? why shouLd i stAy? anD as timE pasSes by iT feELs LikE hE's founD somEbody as my repLacemEnt., i feEL LikE hE's hAppy witH hiS nEwfounD fRienDS.. althouGh we aRe stiLL fRienDs buT iT's noT LikE thAt anymoRE.. i don'T knoW,. noW hE hAs hiS fRienDS aLrEaDy anD iT fEeLS LikE hE doEsn't nEeD mE anymoRE.. so whY shouLd i stAy, whEn hE'S staRtinG to givE mE rEasonS whY i shouLd go aWay..
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
dated 4/7/08 1:27 pm
thE sAd pArt oF dReAminG iS whEn youRE rEaDy to AccEpt anD bELievE in iTs sTory, you suDdEnLy WakE up.. :(
-tissue_paper03
fRom phonE dAtEd 14/03/08
I always wondered if you really lyk me or not.. I always ask why youre acting that way.. Why youre always teasing me.. Why suddenly sweet? Why youre acting differently towards me than the rest of the group.. Why you often calls my name.. When it feels like you integrate my name for every simple and stupid jokes you hear.. I've always been like a psychologist coz i read people and most of the time, im right.. And i assumed that somehow at the back of your mind, you like me too..
But why can't i read you now? Why cant i understand things now? Why can i be so sure of my predictions now? Why can't i comprehend with these things which i've always been so relaxed to deal with before? Why have you changed so suddenly? Why does it hurts me? So much i haven't even known it could be this hard.. Now i don't know anything.. It feels like i'm a stranger in the field where i've always known its ups, downs and turns.. I feel like i'm a kindergarten starting to learn things..
It upsets me so much. You've done something sweet yesterday that i felt like ive been right all along.. Then came this morning and felt suddenly different.. Way far different.. I felt like i've missed a century. I cant merge in anymore..
When you thought you knew something even at the back of your hand, you suddenly wake up and realized you were actually sleeping..
dated 4/7/08 1:05 pm
i Am conVincEd and i mAde uP mY minD.. :( hE's noT inTo me.. hE hAs hiS gF anD fLirtinG somEboDy eLsE aLReaDy pLus hE diDn't gReeT mE on mY biRthdAy.. hE hAs founD his nEw giRL comPanion, a wAy muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding.. anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him.. my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
dated 4/7/08 1:05 pm
i Am conVincEd and i mAde uP mY minD.. :(
hE's noT inTo me.. he has his gf and flirtinG with somebody else already plus he didn't greet me on my birthday.. he has found his new girl companion, a way muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding..
anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him..
my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
hE's noT inTo me.. he has his gf and flirtinG with somebody else already plus he didn't greet me on my birthday.. he has found his new girl companion, a way muCh bEttEr, prEttiEr and smArtEr thAn i do., thEy'Re moRe cLose now thAn bEfoRE not to mEntion thAt hE LikEs hER bEfoRE and moRe poSsibLy evEn toDay.. pRobLem is, i doN't knoW whEre i shALL pUt mySeLf now.. iT's sAd buT i shouLd gEt away.. noT acTuaLLy gEt awAy buT kEep my diStAnce to hiM.. thouGh, i juSt cAn't pRetEnd.. mAybE i CouLd buT i'vE nEvr bEen hAppy pRetEnding..
anyWays iT wouLd onLy bE foR two monThs.. oF couRse iT's gonNa bE sad thAt i'm noT going to sEe him thAt ofTeN aLreAdy buT mAybE it wouLd hELp a Lot.. iT couLd hELp a LoT coZ i wAntEd to ForGet thE FeELing thAt i Like him, thAt i'm fAlling foR him..
my aDviSer (iT's my cazn acTUaLLy) toLd me thAt i shouLd puT to my minD thAt this iS juSt a cRuSh so thAt i couLd pRevEnt mySeLf fRom hoPinG.. mAybE, i shOuLd do thAt.. oh mY, ihAtE it.. i tRULy hAtE thiS!!!!!!!!!
dated 3/29/08 6:40 pm
i onCe agAin askEd foR a siGn!
i asKed God fOr a siGn on mY biRthdAy.. iT's quiTe impoSSibLe, buT mAybE thAt's why i CaLL it a siGn.. if hE wouLd cALL me On my biRthdAy anD grEet me.. i onLy askEd foR a cALL, noThinG eLSe. i don'T nEed a teXt oR gReEtinGs on fRiendster,i jUSt neEd a phOnE cALL fRom him.. iF noT, thiS thinG im fEeLing fOr a Long time is hoPELess.. imA foRgEt aLL abOut thoSe tEaSings anD pRetEnsionS.. imA foRgEt aLL my hopEs fOr him, fOr us.. why? coz it'S huRting mE.. so mUch thaT i'M aFrAid i cOuLdn't bEaR it fOr a Long timE.. i'm noT uSeD to thEse FeeLings bEfore and i don'T hAve any idEa hoW to dEAL with it., thAt's whY it huRts..
i aLwayS askEd God foR siGns anD he aLwayS givEs me poSitivE onEs.. i'm conFusEd.. mAybE, im juSt LikE impAtiEnt oR somEthing.. mAybE i juSt nEed fAith.. i knoW it'S so kuLet na, pEro ok, thiS is thE Last.. iF hE LikEs me thAt muCh and hAs pLans on tELLing mE thAt hE LikEs mE and if i'M SpEciAL enouGh foR him, hE wouLd cALL me anD gReEt mE on thiS sPEciAL dAy oF minE.. imAgine, it'S my 18th biRthDay and i'm ExpEcting oR hoPing For a Guy to GreEt me.. anD it'S him.. so sPeCiaL dAy oF minE.. so whY cAn't he GrEet mE?
mAybE i cAn gEt thRough.. i juSt nEed to knoW.. i juSt nEed a siGn.. God pLeaSe hELp me.. thiS is thE Last, rEgArding thiS matTer.. it'S a moRe pErsonAl siGn now, juSt givE me thiS siGn.. eiThER hE'LL cALL mE oR noT.. juSt thiS onE.. pLeasE.. i'LL waiT..
i asKed God fOr a siGn on mY biRthdAy.. iT's quiTe impoSSibLe, buT mAybE thAt's why i CaLL it a siGn.. if hE wouLd cALL me On my biRthdAy anD grEet me.. i onLy askEd foR a cALL, noThinG eLSe. i don'T nEed a teXt oR gReEtinGs on fRiendster,i jUSt neEd a phOnE cALL fRom him.. iF noT, thiS thinG im fEeLing fOr a Long time is hoPELess.. imA foRgEt aLL abOut thoSe tEaSings anD pRetEnsionS.. imA foRgEt aLL my hopEs fOr him, fOr us.. why? coz it'S huRting mE.. so mUch thaT i'M aFrAid i cOuLdn't bEaR it fOr a Long timE.. i'm noT uSeD to thEse FeeLings bEfore and i don'T hAve any idEa hoW to dEAL with it., thAt's whY it huRts..
i aLwayS askEd God foR siGns anD he aLwayS givEs me poSitivE onEs.. i'm conFusEd.. mAybE, im juSt LikE impAtiEnt oR somEthing.. mAybE i juSt nEed fAith.. i knoW it'S so kuLet na, pEro ok, thiS is thE Last.. iF hE LikEs me thAt muCh and hAs pLans on tELLing mE thAt hE LikEs mE and if i'M SpEciAL enouGh foR him, hE wouLd cALL me anD gReEt mE on thiS sPEciAL dAy oF minE.. imAgine, it'S my 18th biRthDay and i'm ExpEcting oR hoPing For a Guy to GreEt me.. anD it'S him.. so sPeCiaL dAy oF minE.. so whY cAn't he GrEet mE?
mAybE i cAn gEt thRough.. i juSt nEed to knoW.. i juSt nEed a siGn.. God pLeaSe hELp me.. thiS is thE Last, rEgArding thiS matTer.. it'S a moRe pErsonAl siGn now, juSt givE me thiS siGn.. eiThER hE'LL cALL mE oR noT.. juSt thiS onE.. pLeasE.. i'LL waiT..
dated 3/24/08 10:58 pm
nali2to na nmAn ako!
hindi ko pa xa nKi2ta ngAun.. ahmm, nKitA ko pLa xa kAninA anD posSibLy nkItA din niYa ako pEro d kAMi nAguSap kAsi mALayo xa., i miSs him! so muCh.. hehehe.. hnd, totoo nAmi2S ko tLgA xa!. snA mAtapoS n LhAt nG mGa 'to pRa wEr okAy nA nmAn.. hAaays.. snA..
hindi ko pa xa nKi2ta ngAun.. ahmm, nKitA ko pLa xa kAninA anD posSibLy nkItA din niYa ako pEro d kAMi nAguSap kAsi mALayo xa., i miSs him! so muCh.. hehehe.. hnd, totoo nAmi2S ko tLgA xa!. snA mAtapoS n LhAt nG mGa 'to pRa wEr okAy nA nmAn.. hAaays.. snA..
dated 3/22/08 11:33 pm
wAtDAhEck!!
okay, the last time na ngsuLat ako diti, di ko pa siya pinapansin at kinakausap.. ngayon friends na kami, i don't know kung gaano kafriends, basta friends.. i just can't get it na,. i always wished for something better between the 2 of us, pero bakit parang ntatakot naman na ako ngayon.. well, i kiNdA feel some pasaring kasi coming from him and i just can't confirm if he's trying to tell me something.. i don't know.. people say that you could just tell if he's into something and i feel that.. kaso ayoko naman na magjump into something, baka masaktan lang ako Lalo..
well, the past few days kasi we don't have time to talk that much because our skedulE don't match, even though we're klasmeyts we have different committee, that's why.. we don't even have a chance to see each other actually.. then one time, during one of the few meetings we had this week, he asked me kung pwede ko ba siyang samahan magpagupit and i said yes.. for the rest of the day he kept on mentioning about that pagupit and i said yes.. came afternoon and my friend asked me if she could join us on the ride since we have the same route and i said yes.. all the while i noticed that him and this other friend was like making a way that i would accompany him to that parlor and it feels like there's something that should be going.. i really felt like they wanted to get rid of this friend of mine out of my side.. our side.. and when they felt like they couldn't, he decided to postpone the parlor thing and i would just accompany him the day after.. so again i said yes..
morning after, and i saw him on our duty and he never mentioned about that topic anymore.. Like days after, i've never seen him,.. During the play, we didn't talk nor smiled at each other.. we went home saying nothing to each other.. And we're bound not to see each other for the rest of the Holy week.. Last night there was a Text message saying that there would be a free call, so i asked for a sign that if there would be a free call and he would call me then he's really up to something.. that night, he sent me a text message.. a quote first.. a non-sense quote.. and i don't reply on to quotes sent to me.. afterwards, he sent me another text message that says: (hE mEntionED my nAme, so it wAs inTenDed fOR mE) i miss you so much.. i replied to him casually likE i was trying to make fun of that statement.. and i kinda smell some seriousness in his text messages.. i just don't know.. maybe i have to wait until monday to find out what he meant with his text messages.. i hope he really meant what he said though...
okay, the last time na ngsuLat ako diti, di ko pa siya pinapansin at kinakausap.. ngayon friends na kami, i don't know kung gaano kafriends, basta friends.. i just can't get it na,. i always wished for something better between the 2 of us, pero bakit parang ntatakot naman na ako ngayon.. well, i kiNdA feel some pasaring kasi coming from him and i just can't confirm if he's trying to tell me something.. i don't know.. people say that you could just tell if he's into something and i feel that.. kaso ayoko naman na magjump into something, baka masaktan lang ako Lalo..
well, the past few days kasi we don't have time to talk that much because our skedulE don't match, even though we're klasmeyts we have different committee, that's why.. we don't even have a chance to see each other actually.. then one time, during one of the few meetings we had this week, he asked me kung pwede ko ba siyang samahan magpagupit and i said yes.. for the rest of the day he kept on mentioning about that pagupit and i said yes.. came afternoon and my friend asked me if she could join us on the ride since we have the same route and i said yes.. all the while i noticed that him and this other friend was like making a way that i would accompany him to that parlor and it feels like there's something that should be going.. i really felt like they wanted to get rid of this friend of mine out of my side.. our side.. and when they felt like they couldn't, he decided to postpone the parlor thing and i would just accompany him the day after.. so again i said yes..
morning after, and i saw him on our duty and he never mentioned about that topic anymore.. Like days after, i've never seen him,.. During the play, we didn't talk nor smiled at each other.. we went home saying nothing to each other.. And we're bound not to see each other for the rest of the Holy week.. Last night there was a Text message saying that there would be a free call, so i asked for a sign that if there would be a free call and he would call me then he's really up to something.. that night, he sent me a text message.. a quote first.. a non-sense quote.. and i don't reply on to quotes sent to me.. afterwards, he sent me another text message that says: (hE mEntionED my nAme, so it wAs inTenDed fOR mE) i miss you so much.. i replied to him casually likE i was trying to make fun of that statement.. and i kinda smell some seriousness in his text messages.. i just don't know.. maybe i have to wait until monday to find out what he meant with his text messages.. i hope he really meant what he said though...
dated 2/8/08 9:59 pm
hindi ko xa kinAkaUsAp nGayOn...
bKit?? hnD ko aLam, hnD ko aLam kunG pAno xA kA2usapIn.. wLa nMan xAng ginAgaWang mAsaMa sa to2o Lng kAso, hnD ko aLam.. pRang nPa2God Lng akOng kAusApin xa.. anO b yAn, saB ko sa SaRiLi ko ka2uSapin ko xa pRa kHt papano hinDi mAn niyA ako gUsTO hAppy nMan ako kSi anDyan Lng xa sa Tabi ko.. pEro bKit nMAn nApa2God nMan aKong mKiPagTwaNan at mKiPgLokohAn.. aLam ko nMan na gAnun tLga xa na mAhiLig mAgbiRO kAsi Ganun din nMAn ako, pEro nKa2pAGod!..
pRang ayOko nMan ng siTwasYon nmin ngAyon na sObRang cLose pERo aYaw ko nMan na hnD kami fRenDs na hnD kAmi ngPapancNan.. hnD ko tLga mainTindiHan, bSta aYaw ko 'toNg nAra2mDaman ko., hnD ako nAsisiyahAn sa nAraramDaman ko, nAhi2Rapan tLga Ako.. kUnG aLam Lng niya....
bKit?? hnD ko aLam, hnD ko aLam kunG pAno xA kA2usapIn.. wLa nMan xAng ginAgaWang mAsaMa sa to2o Lng kAso, hnD ko aLam.. pRang nPa2God Lng akOng kAusApin xa.. anO b yAn, saB ko sa SaRiLi ko ka2uSapin ko xa pRa kHt papano hinDi mAn niyA ako gUsTO hAppy nMan ako kSi anDyan Lng xa sa Tabi ko.. pEro bKit nMAn nApa2God nMan aKong mKiPagTwaNan at mKiPgLokohAn.. aLam ko nMan na gAnun tLga xa na mAhiLig mAgbiRO kAsi Ganun din nMAn ako, pEro nKa2pAGod!..
pRang ayOko nMan ng siTwasYon nmin ngAyon na sObRang cLose pERo aYaw ko nMan na hnD kami fRenDs na hnD kAmi ngPapancNan.. hnD ko tLga mainTindiHan, bSta aYaw ko 'toNg nAra2mDaman ko., hnD ako nAsisiyahAn sa nAraramDaman ko, nAhi2Rapan tLga Ako.. kUnG aLam Lng niya....
dated 2/6/08 1:28 pm
must i hope for something??
she has a girlfriend already.. though, he admits na he doesn't love the girl at all it still hurts.. hnd ko alam kng ma-ha-happy ba ako or matuturnoff kasi at the first place pang-play lng niya yung girl.. i believe na no matter how a person flirts the whole day, there's still this special person whom she thinks about before going to bed at night.. unfortunately for me i don't think im that special to him.. he treats me extraspecial most of the time but i know i'm not that extraspecial in his life.. i'm just a friend and a mere friend..
although sa totoo lng i dnt consider him naman na extraspecial sa buhay ko.. he's my friend.. sabihin na lng natin na special friend ksi nga dba i feel something different about him..
ewan ko, hindi ko alam, bkit parang nafafall out na ako sa kanya.. he's too mature to act and think naman.. kung gusto talga niya ako, he could have done something na diba? napapagod na akong maghintay sa kanya.. konti n lang talga.. sa barkada, hes often the one who advises our friends about their love life's.. about what seems to be right to do., and he's most of the time right naman,. so why can't he do anything about his 'reAL' lovelife then.. if ever that lovelife would pertain to me.. he's not doing anything, except the things he's been doing for the past 9 months.. that's a clear clue!.. i'm not of his interest.. i think he knows what he should do if ever he really likes somebody because he sounds too mature about decisions in relationships, and he's not doing it to me.. probably, he's doing it for somebody else..
i'm SUCH a friend!..
can i ask for another clue? i just wanted to feel loved at valentines day.. i hope could find love on that day.. sana maging happy ako that day.. sana hindi ako madissapoint that day.. sana...
she has a girlfriend already.. though, he admits na he doesn't love the girl at all it still hurts.. hnd ko alam kng ma-ha-happy ba ako or matuturnoff kasi at the first place pang-play lng niya yung girl.. i believe na no matter how a person flirts the whole day, there's still this special person whom she thinks about before going to bed at night.. unfortunately for me i don't think im that special to him.. he treats me extraspecial most of the time but i know i'm not that extraspecial in his life.. i'm just a friend and a mere friend..
although sa totoo lng i dnt consider him naman na extraspecial sa buhay ko.. he's my friend.. sabihin na lng natin na special friend ksi nga dba i feel something different about him..
ewan ko, hindi ko alam, bkit parang nafafall out na ako sa kanya.. he's too mature to act and think naman.. kung gusto talga niya ako, he could have done something na diba? napapagod na akong maghintay sa kanya.. konti n lang talga.. sa barkada, hes often the one who advises our friends about their love life's.. about what seems to be right to do., and he's most of the time right naman,. so why can't he do anything about his 'reAL' lovelife then.. if ever that lovelife would pertain to me.. he's not doing anything, except the things he's been doing for the past 9 months.. that's a clear clue!.. i'm not of his interest.. i think he knows what he should do if ever he really likes somebody because he sounds too mature about decisions in relationships, and he's not doing it to me.. probably, he's doing it for somebody else..
i'm SUCH a friend!..
can i ask for another clue? i just wanted to feel loved at valentines day.. i hope could find love on that day.. sana maging happy ako that day.. sana hindi ako madissapoint that day.. sana...
dated 12/31/07 mnla
a week from now, im gonna see him again..how does he look like now? yeah, i wanted to see him soon but seeing him would mean i have to attend my classes, do and possibly pass my requirements, take exams, perform unending return demos.. in short, seeing him and having his company would bring me to a mental suicide.. in order for me to satisfy my emotional needs, i have to deal with all those s***s of mental suffering.. yet all through this vacation i never got the chance to worry about schoolworks.. all i ever think of is him and the sweet company he's giving me..
my worries are for myself coz i'm starting to fall for him.. i worry that i'm gonna fall so deep for him.. i've been protecting myself from hurts that i could get from loving people of the opposite sex. i've been covered up by the people around me whom have been hurt by what they call love and prevented me from getting into it.. they were deeply hurt. upon breakups or conflicts, they would all come to me. i could almost imagine how frustrated and sad they are. they would all look the same. teary eyed, full of silence. you could even smell the tension they're into. then they would bow their heads down as if its the only resort to catch themselves up from losing their self-esteem. sits quietly, run their fingers through their hair and cry. they pour out their sentiments i cant barely understand.. they talk about LOVE..
i always try to say something, but as far as everyone could see it, my words are worthless, they're nothing.. for they came from somebody who knew nothing about pains in love. but i wanted to keep them company, if thats the least thing i could do to lessen their pain.. they often tell me afterwards how grateful they are to have me as their friend., and i'm not even aware of what i did.. but then they come to me when love crisis strikes them again... and again.. and again..
through all these experiences i've witnessed, i came to realize loving is hard and painful. i'm aware of where i stand and i know i'm not that strong.. everyone could have also expected me to be weakling.. that's why i don't, in as much as THEY don't want me to fall inlove knowing that i can't handle the pain it would bring.
my worries are for myself coz i'm starting to fall for him.. i worry that i'm gonna fall so deep for him.. i've been protecting myself from hurts that i could get from loving people of the opposite sex. i've been covered up by the people around me whom have been hurt by what they call love and prevented me from getting into it.. they were deeply hurt. upon breakups or conflicts, they would all come to me. i could almost imagine how frustrated and sad they are. they would all look the same. teary eyed, full of silence. you could even smell the tension they're into. then they would bow their heads down as if its the only resort to catch themselves up from losing their self-esteem. sits quietly, run their fingers through their hair and cry. they pour out their sentiments i cant barely understand.. they talk about LOVE..
i always try to say something, but as far as everyone could see it, my words are worthless, they're nothing.. for they came from somebody who knew nothing about pains in love. but i wanted to keep them company, if thats the least thing i could do to lessen their pain.. they often tell me afterwards how grateful they are to have me as their friend., and i'm not even aware of what i did.. but then they come to me when love crisis strikes them again... and again.. and again..
through all these experiences i've witnessed, i came to realize loving is hard and painful. i'm aware of where i stand and i know i'm not that strong.. everyone could have also expected me to be weakling.. that's why i don't, in as much as THEY don't want me to fall inlove knowing that i can't handle the pain it would bring.
note from phone.. dated: 31/12/07
does it actually have to feel this way? everyday i think of him.. about the things we've been through, imagining things i want us to go theough, how he looks lyk wen w/ me. his family, his friends, his exes, his crushes.. whoever, whatever that is about him.. even the worst things about him.. i kinda feel lke i'm missing him.. of course i can't see him, it's xmas vacation.. though i'm hoping there's this divine intervention that would happen between the 2 of us, but i guess it wont.. of all crushes i had, hes the only one whom had failed me regarding those hopeful coincidences i'm talking about.. you know, i alwys have this strange feeling that i'm going to meet my crush at a certain place, that's why my whole consciousness drags me to that place.. then i'm gonna see him.. but when it comes to him, i fail.. well maybe im just a bit paranoid hir coz i got to see him everytime, he's my classmate and my friend you know so its actually not a need for a divine intervention.. ryt??. i'd better think about that more often to wake myself up..
dated 1/24/08 11:14 pm
Potah!!.. ayoko na!..
why can't he like me back?? why can't they like me back?? cno ba may diperenxa? yes of course, i know, it's me.. well then what am i supposed to do?? must i get tired? do i have the right to be disappointed at the first place?
why can't he like me back?? why can't they like me back?? cno ba may diperenxa? yes of course, i know, it's me.. well then what am i supposed to do?? must i get tired? do i have the right to be disappointed at the first place?
sEntimEnts oF a tiSsuE pAper..
dated Tuesday, December 04, 2007, 7:19:07 AM
One rainy day, I got up early to do my usual activity. Take a bath, eat my breakfast, fix my things and go to school. I only have 2 subjects in the morning and later that afternoon, I would be free. While I was waiting for the jeep to be filled up, a woman on her late 40’s came by with a roll of tissue paper on her left hand and a dark blue umbrella on her right. She actually reminded me of my super strict teacher way back in grade school. She had the why-don’t-you-move-over-I-am-a-tiger-and-I’m-going-to-eat-you aura that made everybody moved forward leaving her a space on the seat that is usually occupied first in jeepneys. You know what I mean. But when she’s about to invade the sanctuary we were in, the roll of tissue got out of hand, fell on to the ground and was sunken into the water. Like a sweet potato smashed on to the floor. That created murmurings from the mouth of the old lady.
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