hopeful

i'm about to log off, bury my head on bed, stare into the darkness and wonder how my life will turn out 2 months from now.. but i came across a blog post from a stranger and i began to remember how ambitious i was 4 years ago.. how i clearly pictured myself leaving home, heading for my dream.. but like a real photograph, the image seemed to fade off in time.. now i couldn't really see the person in it, nor the dream she is after for. if only i could be that person again. optimistic. independent. brave. ambitious..

i wish that person is still here, buried inside a body with a weakling faith. and in this 2 months, i hope i could and i need to retrieve her back. coz the first step towards my dream is just 2 months away.

funny how i have to come across that blog post this time. maybe to remind me that i have to stand back up and get on track. and i will.

My Prayer

God's message for me on this day:

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

i'm scared starting life in the city.. away from the ones i love.. away from the luxury of life i used to have.. i'm scared that i might get lost in track. i'm scared i couldn't make any friends.. i'm scared i would be bullied at.. i'm afraid i couldn't make it at lung center.. and i'm afraid that i would surrender the battle..

Lord, please help me.. give me strength that i would be able to face these alone. i know you have better plans for me than i have for myself. whatever it is, i'm asking you to give me wisdom to understand even if it's beyond human reason and strength to endure the battle.. i could just stop here but i trust you too much to surrender. or maybe i'm ambitious enough to dream that i can make it. at the end of the day, it will always be your will my Lord that i have to obey. what i'm truly asking for is to let me not regret the life i chose to have, the life i chose to live when the time comes that i finally have to kiss my tomb and bid goodbye to the world.