to making decisions

i did love him.

today, i smile bitterly of the past. of course, saying it could have been better is an understatement. i can only say it would be different. different from what it is now, if only i had been more brave. 

im usually one who believes that regrets are pointless because there's always a reason why everything happens. whatever or however painful they are. but times like this pass by and im left wondering what could have been if only i was bolder and more decisive. i wonder if life could have been better. or if i may have been wrong maybe i could have known how it feels like to be one.

if i can only be dead in the end, i should have at least known how to live.

cheers now to you, for seemingly to be genuinely happy. for pursuing the dreams i once doubted you'll ever gonna reach. for all the right things coming your way. and for that life i may never get the chance to be a part of anymore.

i hope and pray you'll stay that way. happy. and constantly wearing that bright confident smile of yours. i'll lead myself on too. so that maybe someday, you'll be happy as well that i was able to make it happen too.

maybe things was never meant to be. and we weren't.

Valentine

i guess, i'm a high maintenance girl. or maybe just a person with overflowing pride. maybe i'm picky or perfect-driven. maybe i'm hard to please or just plain confusing or boring. 

it's valentines day today, and i find myself blogging. it shouldn't be much of a big deal coz its been like this for nearly 24 years. but i'm left wondering how happy must it feel like for a lot of people are throwing themselves out for it.

how can i be worthy of such? for that man who'll wrap off his coat on you when your cold. or that man who'll sneak out a phone call from a meeting to check out if you have eaten. that man who'll hold your hand when you're sick. or that man who'll drive you home even if you live in opposite end of the boulevard. that man who'll say yes even if you blurted out a no, coz he knows you actually mean yes but was so shy to say so. that man who'll stare at you and smiles for reasons you both don't know. that man who'll be willing to jump into a fight when he sees you're helplessly in trouble. that man who'll make you laugh even on those day that you don't even want to smile. or that man who'll cross oceans for a kiss. 

when can i be worthy of it? when can i be worthy of that man who knows what he wants and sticks into it. for that man who never wavers.

maybe i'll wait for him for tomorrow. or maybe forever. maybe he's just somewhere down the street. or maybe he doesn't even exists.

today is a valentines day. and honestly speaking, my heart's a little broken today..

have a happy valentine's day everyone!