maybe being bitchy isn't always bad..

i don't want to sound like a rotten bitch nor a possessed victim here.. i don't want to be sensitive or melodramatic.. in as much as possible i don't want to create a drama out of mere feelings and vibes. i'm a very objective and optimistic person but maybe times like this strikes me and i can't help it.. it always seems like i'm the rudest person here but if they only knew how considerate i'm trying to be.. you see people, i have this disease.. a self-diagnosed one. GERD. it usually attacks in the middle of the night, especially when i eat too much dinner and goes to bed early. so as much as possible i go to bed 3 hours after dinner.. i'm that kind of person who has the least tolerance to pain. no one knows how much i suffer when it comes.. as they were all sleeping deeply while i cry myself out of pain in the middle of the night.. it lasts for hours, 5 hours the least. and i end up purging trying to ease the pain. i've told her about it. she seems to care, but she doesn't. i wish she knew how it feels like so she doesn't have the nerve to insist to me that i should eat much at dinner or to eat very late. i'm tired of the same dialogues refusing to eat more or asking her to eat early. i'm tired of it..

and now i decided to blog instead of having my dinner. because it's too late to have one and i don't have the energy to force a smile and fight over taking another bite when i'm already full.. i don't want to say it coz i don't want to recognize it. i don't want to name what i'm feeling right now coz i'm afraid it may not exactly be it. but i feel like i'm gonna explode if i won't. so i'll say it anyway.. i'm pissed.. though i know i don't have the right to be but i am. and i can't help it. it just comes out naturally. i'm pissed coz she always seems to know all things and that she understands all of it. but truth is, she doesn't. and she doesn't care a bit.. she always act like the pathetic victim. she always make me feel like i'm a burden. and it troubles me coz i've never felt like i am. just now..

y do i care so much on what she thinks of me anyway? i've always been a free spirit. i do what i want to do and get it done when i want it done.. i'm trying hard to be nice here.. maybe it's time i show her how brat of a person i can be..