a month after

a month had passed and things remained to be vague. at some point i still see things in a blur like that when you wake up in the morning and you spend time blinking rapidly as if reorienting yourself to your own room.. to what a blanket and pillows look like. re-memorizing your wall color. remembering what you're name is, the date and what you have to do for the day.. as for me, i'm on the phase of blinking rapidly.. and yes, lately I've been reorienting myself every morning to the room i always find myself waking up.. things aren't crystal clear yet though i know it has to be.. in time.. 5 weeks has passed and i'm still adjusting.. though still a bit lost but it's quite tolerable.. it has to be manageable in 5 weeks coz another 6 weeks to go and i would again wander.. i don't have any plan yet after the training. though i'm pretty much confident i'm one of the best trainees here. and i could outperform most trainees, i'm not pretty sure if my human resources could back me up to be hired at this institution..

i've met a nurse here and from the way he carries himself i can easily smell the scent of intelligence overflowing.. and i wasn't wrong coz i found out later on that he was the top notcher on his batch during his training.. i felt a pinch of losing hope when he told us "it's not what you know that gets you in the institution, it's whom you know." Apparently, his co-project nurse (project nurse: employed as part of a program but not an employee of the institution) told me that Ivan weren't hired immediately but was rather passed to a program as a project nurse because 'there are no vacant position.' i was totally wrecked when i learned that my co trainee's brother used to be one of Ivan's batch mate and was ranked 25 but had been hired immediately and stayed in the institution for 4 years before leaving for Canada.. to make this unfair story short, Ivan do not have some human resources that could back him up to be employed in the institution and thus waited a lifetime until the fully-backed up rank 25 leaves the country before he could finally get in.! not to mention rank 10 and rank 15 landed on the job faster than him.. i don't get it!!! or maybe, yes i get it, it's called injustice and inequality.. and i'm hurt!

although i know someone here and she's the one pursuing me to come over and try my luck in the institution, upon learning all of these i couldn't help but get upset and question of whether i should still perform better..i feel heartbroken as i see my co-trainee being complacent because she's acquainted with the head of surgery dept.. (deeep sigh!)

i have to be optimistic.. maybe these are all part of the plan.. maybe, i have to know these truths not to be hurt and surrender but to be aware and perform better.. in this cruel world, i have the greatest back up master and that is HIM.. i trust him too much to let him carry on what's good for me.. Keep the faith!