path..

i had a fight with my brother last night. the reason was petty. childish and simple. yet made me cried so hard. it was my second real cry after i moved in here and this one is the most painful. maybe because i'm carrying a full load right now. sad, upset, frustration, longing along with others all rolled up to consume me. i'm fighting real and i'm trying hard to stand tall even if deep within i know i'm nearing to surrender. like a balloon, flexible and elastic, trying it's might to keep in shape only to hold emptiness inside.

i didn't want this. if i may tell you, coz i feel like you've misunderstood.. I DON'T WANT THIS. i don't want to be in this position. be dependent on others. i don't know if you ever felt this. having to search all your life for what you wanted, then after realizing what it is, you found out that you have no place in it. it sucks!

i don't know if you understand a bit of what it feels like. maybe you do or maybe you don't. i just can't talk about all of these things to you anymore. coz you're busy hating me now.

i went through a seminar the last time and one thing the speaker said that struck me the most was: the deepest pain you'll ever have is when the people/family you have would be the first person to judge and doubt you. and it is.

as i've mentioned in my previous posts, i don't have friends right now. though i have some thoughtful ones left and i'm so thankful for that. but the closeness between us weren't like the ones whom i could send a plain sad-face text message and would console me without asking what childish act am i ranting again. sometimes i miss them. well , a lot of times actually. Coz now, its either nobody understands me, or nobody cares anymore.

i know you have your own pains right now. pressure juggling your work while coping up with your love life, while taking a step back on to your social life, and to add up a dependent, bummer brat sister would definitely get you crazy. i understand. at least, i try to. i know i have my own shortcomings in as much as i want to get rid of them so i won't be a burden to anyone else especially to you. i understand that you have your own worries and problems too. that's why i try as i might not to demand anything from you. i'm not your responsibility. and you don't owe me anything.


maybe i'm hurting now because i expected much. it's my fault. when i thought my world was falling apart (childish imaginary dramas), the only person who understood me well and protected me was my brother. So i thought, when i'll get to the point where i'll get frustrated chasing my dreams, my brother would also be there cheering me on. i was wrong. well, at least i still have my mom and my dad as far as i know. though, i don't have any idea how long they'll too gonna endure with me.

everyday, i pray that soon i'll find myself. i'll see light through this. i know this has a reason, a lesson somehow. i'll wait. i'll patiently wait. but what saddens me really was the idea of how much people i would still have left whenever that time comes.